What a Mess!

Today is one of those days where I regret everything. Have you ever had one of those days? P and I had one hell of a fight last night, and really about petty stuff. I can’t believe that I stooped so low to attack him back after he really said some stuff that hit home, but which truly did hit deep. Why is it that sometimes one says or do stuff that you regret later. I know that you are suppose to place a guard in front of your mouth and watch what you say, but hey I was one hell of a b*tch last night. P was in one of his moods yesterday, and I’ll normally deal with his temper and stuff, but for one reason last night was just one of those nights where I just couldn’t keep anything for myself anymore, and I lashed out. I said everything I wanted so say for so long, and over and above it all, I said the meanest thing…. You see, during our time at the previous clinic, P really didn’t go through everything I did but most of the time I had to attend my appointments, testing, operations and just everything by myself. I know that he tried to be there, but every time something was scheduled it just turned out that he wasn’t there. The one time with my HSG I asked my sister in law to accompany me, because I knew how I’ll feel, cause I normally feel invaded and very emotional, then P confirmed that I must cancel with my sister in law as he will be with me, when the day arrived, he suddenly had to go into work and I was all on my own… Yesterday P again had so many excuses about when sessions are to be scheduled, how long in advance and and and, but it really felt as if he wasn’t considering me. It really just felt as if P wanted everything to revolve around him, and as he was just going at me, I totally lost it. Sometimes it feels that I am being punished for things I did in my life, or that I’m not blessed with a child yet because of our fights, and today as I sit here writing this, I feel terribly sad. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I don’t know how to deal with the situations and I feel so emotional… most of all I need someone who understand what I’m going through, and I just feel alone today…

NEW CLINIC!

It has been a while since I last wrote something decent on my blog, but time just ticked away so quickly that one doesn’t seem to find the split second to write something and actually publish it. So as you know, we decided that this year we’ll set a goal to which both of us will work towards, and this goal is to have a little bundle of joy in our home, included in this we wanted to go to a new fertility clinic. Anyway this is the new day….. You know when nerves just gets the better part of you, mmm, well Friday morning was my turn… now the day when patience were dished out, I was definitely last in the queue, cause I didn’t get a lot… got up, got dressed and off we went to the new clinic, arrived, filled in all the forms and waited in the waiting room to see the new doctor…. Never did I know I’ll be sitting on the exact same chair, the exact same spot for 2 and a half hours, oh my greatness I could feel how my bum goes num, how my feet starts to tingle and how my whole body went into the slump of tiredness…. As we sat there waiting to see the new doctor, both me and hubby got a bit frustrated about the time we had to sit and wait to see him, even though our appointment want 11:30 we only got to see the doctor at about 14:15, which is a long time for people who normally can’t sit still for 10 minutes. Anyway, eventually we got to see the doctor, had a very nice, but long conversation explaining our past, and what we would like to achieve, and explained our expectations, the doctor in tern explained their process what potentially lie ahead for us and of cause concerns… he then did a mucus test and a sonar, which clearly indicated that I’m 2 – 3 days away from ovulation… (Oh my gosh… oh my gosh I ovulate! YIPPY) so yes you got it… planning time…. Dr explained an old “Boere raad” to me which I had to do from Saturday – Monday… and then on the 30th I would have to go for a blood test…. Then again on 3 April for another hormone and pregnancy test, if CD1 doesn’t arrive before then…. I have to be honest, I really like this doctor, I really felt comfortable with him, and he took the time to explain everything nicely. We never felt rush or anything, so I’m truly glad we had this opportunity to see him… So ladies please keep all your fingers and toes and legs and arms and everything knotted up for me… we would truly be blessed if it could happen this way… no the only thing we need to do is wait and see if that nasty little miss with her nasty little car is coming to visit…