21 April 2008
Another weekend has flown by... It feels like I never had a weekend break away and here I am back at work. Luckily for me I’ll be off for a whole week next week, but first I have to get through this week and all its challenges. So this weekend was fun, we went to my sister in law for a braai on Friday night, which was nice for a change as it wasn’t at our home. Saturday was fun, Pieter agreed to go shopping with me, we went to look at new garden features for our home, I went and bought new spinning shoes, and we just enjoyed the day. Sunday was better though. We went to watch Theuns Jordaan perform, now normally I don’t listen to this type of music, but I have to be honest, that man… girls… “Hy mag maar”. I really enjoyed it, afterwards we went and bought a DVD and CD, waited for him to sign it, and I took a picture with him… Yes… a nice picture… Do you feel jealous yet? And then of cause tomorrow (22 April 2008) is my day out of the office. I’m going out on a business trip. I’m flying to Cape Town for the day. We will be leaving at 10 and will return at 17:10 tomorrow night. So I’ll only get back in Johannesburg at about 19:00. Now I feel sorry for myself, because… ya you guest it, I’ll only get home at about 21:00, but still, it aught to be fun. At least there is some things in life that could still make life interesting. I truly miss all of you. I haven’t been chatting on the forum for a while now, as I just couldn’t get myself to go and say anything. I miss your comments and I miss our chats… Keep well
09 April 2008
I know I haven’t been the best blogger ever, but I just couldn’t get myself to write anything these couple of days. I just couldn’t pick myself out of the slump. Dealing with family and family problems, dealing with my own issues and resentments has just become so much that I lost perspective. At least I managed to squeeze in some time for personal activities, I never use to get a lot of time for myself as one tend to run after everyone else, but I decided that it’s time to look at for Stefanie, and I am. I started spinning, which is great fun, my sister in law joined me about 5 days ago, and she is also now spinning with me every Monday to Thursday, which gives her some personal time to. Some days I just wonder why it is that people need to try and exhaust themselves to try and forget what they are going through emotionally. I haven’t been able to go back for acupuncture, nor have I seen the inside of the doctors rooms since 25 March 2008, just can’t seem to focus anymore. Even though hubby thinks that I just don’t want any children now. I don’t think he really understand how I feel, hey I don’t even know myself how I feel, but I think my mindset is just not right. I have read all the blogs ladies who are on the exact same journey and try and find perspective on my life again, but I just find it so difficult. And there I go again. The negative little old me, I don’t want to feel this way, and I don’t want to feel like the victim in this story, but I do feel sorry for myself at this point in time, I just need to find a way to pick up my chin again. I’m sure I will work through this; I know I’m stronger than this. I want to end this message with the following: The beauty of life doesn’t depend on how happy you are... But on how happy others can be because of YOU!!! "Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams"
I think that people don’t really realise what any adoptee is going through to find the missing pieces of their lives. I have browsed a whole bunch of web pages and so many adoptees feel that they should have been aborted. One don’t always know what exactly is going through these peoples minds, and what drove them to feeling this way, but the more you read the more you’ll find that people who has been adopted find themselves wheel spinning on the thoughts that they have been thrown away. Being an adult female who has been adopted and who is now struggling with infertility, I somewhat wonder why life has to be so hard on me. I’m sure that if I had direct access to all my family records and illnesses surely I would be able to find the missing link, if there is any of cause. I struggle with the thought that my mother has so easily given up on us. She has so easily given all four of us up for adoption without leaving any trace for us to be able to reunite. Then when you talk to people who are not in the same boat, they make you think of more than just these resentments. A very close friend of mine said to me that it’s easy to judge at this point in my life, but that I don’t really understand what has driven my mother to give us all up. What was her main purpose, and the thing is the more I think about it, the more I feel ill in my stomach. I can’t judge her or her situation (my mother of cause) but the one thing I know is that your life will never be complete. Yes and for most of you this statement might seem silly, but think of it this way. You know who you are. You know your family, you know your brothers and sisters if any, and you know your history. I might be in the most comfortable position as I know my mothers family, and some history to the family, but if I think of my two brothers and sister, I can’t even try to imagine how they must try and solve their puzzle pieces. Then of cause there is this burning question. The question whether they know they have been adopted, whether they would even want to know their history. Most adoptees feel that they don’t want to know their birth family, they are happy with what they have, and in some cases people only discover that they have been adopted way to late to even try and search. My question is… What do you feel? How do you feel about searching for birth relatives? I need some direction please