17 September 2009


O I have to be honest; I am so blessed to have such good hearted and wonderful friends, and the fact that they just know how to lift my spirits just make it so much better. Well that’s the start to this message.

As some of you would have seen from my Facebook status, I had a bit of wishful thinking and that was all it was. I really hoped that this time it would have been the positive I wanted, but then again it was only the first month on my treatment, but then again, how many months am I suppose to wait, how many times am I suppose to test, how many more comments am I suppose to deal with. I just H*te infertility, I know it’s a strong word, but that is how strong I feel about it.

So I you would gather, I have another BFN which I really didn’t need, but while I’m complaining about infertility someone else had to deal with a bigger issue than that, but you know what the worst part of it all was…. It was hubbies’ cold heartedness towards this whole thing. You would think that he might have just felt something this time with me, seeing that he is going through a lot with me, but nothing…. When I told him last night, he came back with arg no… and that was it. Nothing more nothing less!

I really needed some comforting, but that wasn’t an option, nor was talking about it as he kept himself busy outside. Ya and that’s maybe how he deals with it, but I can’t. By now you should think that I must be used to the negative part, but I can’t seem to overcome this feeling of seeing AF or seeing the – it’s just so unfair.

Over and above this whole thing, I read in the newspaper that a guy shot both of his children 2 and 3 years of age, and then shot himself, and that makes me question why I have to battle through life to get pregnant and why these things happen with other. Why is it that young children can fall pregnant in a wink of an eye, and 29 year old me, can’t seem to get that right.

Man, I just don’t feel like a woman right now… I feel so so so much less!

16 September 2009


Hi There,

Well it has been a while since I last wrote anything, but like I said before my life has become a nightmare with all the work on this side, but in between we’re still planning our family.

Today is actually supposed to be CD1 for me, but my aunt flo still has not arrived. I don’t mind of cause, and am very eager to go home and just buy lots and lots of tests and sit there and test and test and test till I get the positive that I so desperately need, or on the other hand, I feel like just relaxing sitting back and wait for Aunt flo, and if she’s not arrived till day 32 (because I have a 27 day cycle) then maybe get a bit exited and do the test. Either way it’s going to have a positive or negative emotional reaction, but the question is which I am willing to take. Work of cause could be a huge influencing factor, it could just be stress related and that could be why I haven’t started yet, or it could be our homeopathic medicine which could have thrown the cycles off….

I want to… or I don’t want to get my hopes up. I know that a lot of you ladies out there have gone through exactly the same. The emotions run high and you really don’t know which way to turn. I really desperately want this to be my BFP in life….

So do I test, or do I wait for cycle day 28 to pass and see what happens