17 September 2009


O I have to be honest; I am so blessed to have such good hearted and wonderful friends, and the fact that they just know how to lift my spirits just make it so much better. Well that’s the start to this message.

As some of you would have seen from my Facebook status, I had a bit of wishful thinking and that was all it was. I really hoped that this time it would have been the positive I wanted, but then again it was only the first month on my treatment, but then again, how many months am I suppose to wait, how many times am I suppose to test, how many more comments am I suppose to deal with. I just H*te infertility, I know it’s a strong word, but that is how strong I feel about it.

So I you would gather, I have another BFN which I really didn’t need, but while I’m complaining about infertility someone else had to deal with a bigger issue than that, but you know what the worst part of it all was…. It was hubbies’ cold heartedness towards this whole thing. You would think that he might have just felt something this time with me, seeing that he is going through a lot with me, but nothing…. When I told him last night, he came back with arg no… and that was it. Nothing more nothing less!

I really needed some comforting, but that wasn’t an option, nor was talking about it as he kept himself busy outside. Ya and that’s maybe how he deals with it, but I can’t. By now you should think that I must be used to the negative part, but I can’t seem to overcome this feeling of seeing AF or seeing the – it’s just so unfair.

Over and above this whole thing, I read in the newspaper that a guy shot both of his children 2 and 3 years of age, and then shot himself, and that makes me question why I have to battle through life to get pregnant and why these things happen with other. Why is it that young children can fall pregnant in a wink of an eye, and 29 year old me, can’t seem to get that right.

Man, I just don’t feel like a woman right now… I feel so so so much less!


  1. You are a woman. And a beautiful woman at that. We are all 100% women even though we cant get pg! Sorry for the BFN, every time it's like a kick to the chest. The worst of it will pass, and then onwards and hopefully upwards!

  2. Hi Clare,

    Thank you very much for the message. It's great to know that there are people who support you through all of this. I really don't like the feeling, but it's like you say, the worst will pass and then hopefully it will become upwards and onwards

  3. I used to feel that way all the time, BFN after BFN. Life is unfair and it's hard to NOT take it personally. I found it difficult to commiserate with my husband at times, he felt bad but not in the same way. He felt more miserable at the thought that he couldn't make me happy. Please don't give up on him or yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

  4. Hi Stefanie~I came here through Deathstar.

    This post really struck a chord with me. My husband repeatedly fell short in the sympathy department through all of our BFN, and even through the miscarriages. At one point, I seriously considered leaving him. Yeah, the man I was trying to have a child with, I also wanted to leave.

    It took me a very long time to realize that men process much more differently than we do. It is something that drives me crazy, and to be honest, I don't completely understand.

    Just a little reassuring hug and attempt at understanding our tears and desperation.

    The point to this rambling comment is that I am sure he is feeling much of what you are, but even HE doesn't know what to do with those feelings. We cry...men shut down. Men are "fixers" and if they can't fix something, it completely throws off their psyche.

  5. Hello!

    My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my (not very updated) blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

    I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

    Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com . I have included the criteria for participation below.

    Feel free to pass information along to anyone you know who might be interested in contributing to this study.

    Best of luck to you!

    Member of a married, heterosexual couple
    Both you and your spouse are between the ages of 20 – 45
    You do not have any biological or adopted children living in your home
    You are not currently pregnant
    Either you, your spouse, or both has received an infertility diagnosis
    You have received treatment for infertility in the past six months, or plan to do so in the next six months
    Both you and your partner are willing to participate & have access to the internet


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