31 January 2008


I guess some of you that read this page know exactly what I’m talking about if I say Ferti-boost, but the other may not know…. So let me explain

Ferti-boost is a natural hormone-regulating and stimulating product, for the treatment of infertility. You get a month’s course, designed to be repeated over a 3 – 6 month period, with 3 medicines each for the male and the female. The package comprises of a Homeopathic formula (x2) a Chinese Herbal formula (x2) and a Western Herbal Formula (x2). It is designed to help aspiring parents suffering from “Unexplained infertility” where more aggressive therapies aren’t indicated.

Founder of the LIFE CENTRE in South Africa, Dr Colin La Grange is a respected Homoeopath, Acupuncturist and Doctor of Chinese Medicine. Carte Blanche, has aired two segments (22.08.2004 & 23.04.2006) on the success and uniqueness of Dr Colin's fertility treatments, highlighting success stories that are a result of a combination of the treatments offered at the LIFE CENTRE and the use of Ferti-boost. The second segment resulted in one of the biggest telephonic responses to an aired Carte Blanche segment in the program's twelve years on air.

They say Ferti-boost works on 5 levels as per the Ferti-boost webpage.

1. Ferti-boost stimulates the body's natural ability to produce and regulate the hormones necessary for healthy reproductive function:

  • Oestrogen - for follicle and egg development and laying down the endometrial lining
  • Progesterone - for maturation of the endometrium and sustain the pregnancy; precursor to both oestrogen and testosterone.
  • Testosterone - for maturation and production of health good quality sperm and production of oestrogen
  • LH - pituitary hormone for the release of the egg from the follicle at the time of ovulation and the stimulation of the follicle to become the corpus luteum; stimulation of the interstitial cells of the testicle for the production of testosterone
  • FSH - brain hormone that stimulates the production of both follicles and sperm

2. The homoeopathic medicine in Ferti-boost aids the ability of the reproductive tissues to respond appropriately to the hormones when they are present in the blood stream, and to regulate correct feedback controls.

3. Ferti-boost prevents the negative effects that stress has on the reproductive function by reducing the levels of physiological cortisol to:

  • prevent a drain on the progesterone levels, and therefore the testosterone and oestrogen levels
  • normalise the blood sugar levels as the insulin cortisol ratio is brought under control to prevent insulin resistance often seen in polycystic ovarian syndrome

4. Chinese Herbal medication helps to re-balance the physiological system involved in the manufacture of blood and Qi of the "kidney" and "spleen" systems. These systems determine egg and sperm quality, as well as nourish the uterus. If improved, the uterine circulation and ability to make the proliferating endometrium can then convert into the secreting endometrium capable of supporting implantation. "Liver blood stagnation" is prevented, which in turn helps prevent the congestion and oestrogen dominance associated with endometriosis formation.

5. Western Herbal and naturopathic medicine provide the nutrients necessary for the building of sperm endometrium and eggs. They also provide essential nutrients such as the vitamins, minerals, and amino acids necessary for the production of eggs and sperm.

Most people will notice positive changes within the first month, such as improvements in well-being, energy levels and menstrual cycles. Ferti-boost is recommended as a three to six month program as the body takes time to regulate, and sperm take seventy-two days to be manufactured from stem cells to mature sperm. For women, Ferti-boost is designed to form one good quality follicle and egg per month, making sure the lining of the uterus responds by growing in the first half of the cycle and maturing adequately in the second half of the cycle thus creating a perfect balance.

For those who have used Ferti-boost before. Let me know what you think?

21 January 2008

Just Life

Disappointed… Depressed… Sad… emotional… this list can grow to one endless thing. I can’t even try to explain how I’m feeling inside. In my heart I truly hoped that my luck has changed… but the only luck I have is “UN” luck… or that’s how I feel. Well 21 Jan 2008 was a depressing, emotional day for me. Had to be at the Dr for the results of all the testing, so got up early morning, got totally stuck in traffic, and got to work late… then I thought well, that had to be it for the day. I had at least the bad experience, so the rest of my day must be filled with joy and good things. So at about 9:00 off I go to the Doctor. Unfortunately for me, Hubby couldn’t go with. So I had to be brave and just do this on my own. Got there a bit early, so I had to sit and wait… every lady that came in, smiled and put their heads into one or other book, and never looked up. I was desperate to talk, but there were no one to talk to… It felt like hours passing, but in actual fact it was minutes, anyway, I went through to the consultation room … My heart pounded in my throat as if I was sitting and waiting in the principles’ office. I sat there staring at the traffic and every little bit of chaos on the road, when suddenly doctor came in. “is your husband here” came the question, to which I could only reply no. Well then, out came all the testing stuff, and the big explanations… You see, when a doctor takes out all these things it almost feel like evidence of a crime scene to which they are making a discovery, they start with the good news, and work it down towards the bad. Overall you’re fine… (What a relieve I thought)… but… why always but at the end of any sentence. Anyway, it looks as if I am fine; I once again have to go for 2 more ops. Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy, but don’t worry, the doctor said, this is for a good cause. Then came my 20 questions, but why, is this preventing us from having children, what is my chance of improving the possibility…. Etc…etc… and the overall answer is… well there is none… you see, overall things might look fine, but you never know what is happening inside… the only thing that worries me a lot is the fact that I have had these things done, and the outcome of it was clean… now once again I have to go. Over and above all this, physically and mentally I’m not prepared to. I just can’t. I know that people might think that this is cheap talk for someone that wants children, but I just can’t go through this now. Well on Hubbies side they want to do another semen analysis, as the current analysis shows that there is a current problem with mobility and quality. He now needs to go back for another test, which I think everyone knows that for a male this must be very traumatic. It’s really not the greatest news for anyone, as no one want to hear that they have any shortcomings. Anyway… this is life… So after the news, I returned to the office and worked like nothing has happened in my life. That evening on our way home I had to explain everything to Pieter (my husband), as I explained everything one could see that there is some worry in his eyes. He was concerned about a lot of things. Luckily I have a very expressive husband, who doesn’t really keep anything back… He then said, he really feels uncomfortable with the feedback, not that we don’t believe that it’s true or not, but he want to try homeopathic meds or maybe just get the input from our General practitioner (GP). So we got home, had load sharing… and then, the mean Mr cold grabbed me with both hands and I landed up in bed with meds. While at the GP’s office, Pieter decided to ask him to check out our results and provide us with his opinion. Anyway, he has now requested the test results, and I need to call to find out what is happening…

16 January 2008

Sending and tracking

Well I officially went to the post office on 14 Jan 08, and send off the letter and stamp that the registrar needed to send me a copy of the file. Ya that little file that know everything about you, which you don’t know yet. Once again patience is of the essence… and patience is not what I have. I send of all the details pertaining to my brothers, mother, grandmother, grandfather and everyone else that could lead me to any answer to a guy I discover through a lady that also does tracing. Anyway this guy is so much closer, and really helpful. He contacted me and asked me more about what I know, I had to explain the whole process, and hopefully I will be able to get the answers that I so desperately need by next week sometime, or other wise I will be able to hear what he was able to trace. Sometimes it makes it easier on you when someone is searching with you. I don’t know if he will find anything that I haven’t found or tried to find, but it still gives me hope. It makes me feel as if I’m not alone in this. At least someone helps me, and it helps me a great deal that I can speak to him regarding this. Eventhough I haven’t met him, and have only spoken to him, I perceive him to be a passionate person. Passionate enough to help me find my family… And so, I have to wait… why is it that one always has to wait for everything. I know they say that good things will come to those who wait, but hey… what’s the time limit to wait… Another waiting episode of: The days of my life!

15 January 2008

Life... not so complicated after all

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today?' So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?' So she did and she had a grand day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.' So she did and she had a fun, fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. 'YEA!' She exclaimed, 'I don't have to fix my hair today!' Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly...... Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

You’re not alone in the journey of life

There’s not a single woman in the world that hasn’t struggled or overcome difficulties at some point in her life. We all face challenges and discouragement At this very moment you may be facing one, whether it’s related to money, health, children, partners, family or careers, it’s all part of being alive. Recognise that obstacles are part of your journey. Don’t let them stop you and never give up. Instead, think of them as milestones one passed, you’ll be closer to your goals. Remember, with every challenge, you become stronger, wiser and more prepared for the rest of your journey.

14 January 2008

While I wait

There is never a dull moment in my life. So while I wait and see what the future holds, I just dig deep and research everything that might potentially come my way. A bit hasty I know, but I’ll rather read everything, than nothing. Well being a PM helps a lot when one has to plan for anything in your life, and so with all my projects, I prefer to be prepared and plan. I know this is not a project, and mustn’t be seen as one, but hey… this is me. Over and above all that is currently happening with my big wait for my answers, am I also planning for a birthday party for my godchild, who is turning 5! It keeps me busy, and keeps my mind of all the negative things I think up. The party has been arranged for 26 Jan 08, and I truly hope it will be a great success. I’ll share some pictures after that. Anyway, I started reading the book by Tertia Albertyn, So close: Infertile and addicted to hope. What an amazing book. I can’t believe that one person can go thought so much in life, and still be positive. For those who haven’t read it… you’re loosing out on a very special experience. I have also started with charting; I have been doing it for a while, but not really eagerly. So I decided that if things have to happen for me, I need to pull my weight. So I am positive about this, and do the temp thing everyday, effectively same time… the whole toot. What a strange feeling this is. You wake up, and where every other person will wake up, get up and do what ever they want… I wake up, remember to temp, lay there wait for it, document it, and then the rest will follow. It just feels so strange. I thought I’ll share some info that I have read up during last week. All of cause about ovulation During ovulation, the egg that has matures in your ovary is released and settles into one of your fallopian tubes, then after ovulation, this egg will survive for only approximately 24 hours. If you have a 28-day cycle and your ovulation occurs about the 14th day, it means that your most fertile times occur during days 11 to 17 of your cycle, but taking into consideration that not all women have 28 days cycles. The challenging but is to pinpoint the precise day of ovulation. The easiest, but least precise way is to chart your CD’s on a calendar bearing in mind that your CD1 begins on the first day of not spotting, but when you experiences regular flow. Once you know how many days your cycle generally is you subtract 14 days from the predicted end of the cycle to determine time of ovulation. Another option is the BBT Chart (Basal body temperature). To measure your BBT, you simply take your temperature every morning when you wake up and chart it on a calendar. Your BBT should rise about a half degree two days after a surge in your LH (luteinising hormones) occurs, indicating that ovulation has happened. Physical release of the ovum (egg) probably occurs on the day prior to the first temperature elevation. You can also buy an ovulation predictor kit. They’re available without a prescription, and are simple to use. You’ll be able to predict ovulation 24 to 36 hours in advance. The kit works by measuring increases in a woman’s LH level just prior to ovulation. But after reading all this, small print still says that it is not the most effective ways. And so I end this note for today.

11 January 2008

Blast from the past

Another day, another bit of details… I think that everyone wishes that I will just give up this fight. You can not imagine how a whole lot of doors close when you ask about your past. Your adoptive parents look as if they know, but they don’t tell…. And so the story of my life is locked away in the past… a past that doesn’t seem as colourful as what one would like it to be. Once you start with such a journey, you open up such a huge can of creepy crawlies… worms or what ever you want to call it. On 09 Jan 2008, I discovered that the registrar of adoptions can provide me with copies of my adoption case file content, which of cause is great news. All I have to do is to provide them with a registered stamp obtained from the post office, including a letter stating that you want the copies… Interesting you might think, but how is it that they never tell you these things up front, and 10 years down the line, I only find this out. Mmmm makes me wonder…. Let me ponder on this one for a while… I got hold of my step grandfathers’ details the other night. Great I thought at first, but when I worked out the details he is suppose to be about 74, cool age to be, but in today’s rush of a life, one never seem to see the daylight at that age, or so I believe. I tried to get hold of him, and guess what, I was right. Unfortunately I got hold of the information a bit late in my life. He has passed on in 2003. But I will still not give up hope. I also discovered my moms’ funeral pamphlet, which has a few names in of the carriers as well as some other details on who has buried her. So I contacted them in search for the details they have on file. This detail is old, so they would have to go into archives, but I’m full of hope about it. Maybe... Just maybe there might be something. Something that leads me, one more step closer to completing this puzzle.

09 January 2008

and the clock is ticking

Another day has pass and so the clock is ticking and we’re getting closer to the 21st. Not as quick as what I would like, but, I must stop wishing for tomorrow, as I would wish my whole life away… I feel so stressed out… nothing seems to go my way, and it is all thanks to the big wait… The thoughts that’s running through my mind is a never ending story, and I can’t seem to focus on any thing else. I have spent my whole day in meetings today. Sitting in these meetings making decision for other people, which seems to be the easiest thing in the world, but why is it that when you need to make your own decisions it is just not that easy. Anyway, I have spent time yesterday on the forum I subscribed to for the fertility stuff, and read up on one of the messages, they have mentioned all the cost involved in all the procedures. Never would one imagine that it could be so expensive to some people to try and fall pregnant, and for the others it just happens naturally. I still think I’m cursed. I am so scared of needles, and operations and stuff, and I have to go through this. You know it is just not an easy thing to try and do alone. Hubby decided that he didn’t want to get the family involved. He wants us to go through this all alone, as he is so scared that they might get their hopes up, and that we wouldn’t be able to deal with the questions and answers afterwards. He feels that it would be easier should nothing happen for us, to just let it go, without anyone knowing, just letting go and keep on saying that we don’t want any children to make it easier to bare with. For me it’s a bit different. I kind of need some support, I know he is suppose to be the one that has to support me, but I just can’t share everything with him. He is very set in his ways, and sometimes it just feels that I overcomplicate things, and he gets easily upset about it. Maybe he is as scared as what I am, and just doesn’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know. I tried to explain some of the procedures to him yesterday afternoon while driving home just to prepare both of us for things that might still come our way. Preparing us for the financial and emotional side of thing, which I still think wasn’t the best thing to do… for him its cast in stone type of thing, you either can or you can’t. If you can’t then it’s easy, you move on with your life, and if you can, now what is stopping you. He doesn’t really want to hear about all the other nitty gritties that bugs me so much daily. For hubby it’s all about wait and hear before you speak to me, and for me it’s all about what if? This is just another day… counting down to the 21st

and so the search continues...

I’m so sure that if you are in search of anyone, you have had all the bad experiences trying to get your adoption records. Even though it’s all about you, all about your life, you have a huge struggle obtaining your own identifying information. Sad you say…but true... an adoptee could be denied access when they are looking for biological parents, and when looking for these information about you adoption you’ll find that there are a whole lot of doors closing on you. The question is... how does one find your siblings/parent, and with the current South African law, it is not stated that siblings could look for one another. Which I think should change, but then of cause I would say that… There are so many adoption registries, but you’ll never know which one to choose, which one will really help you in your search. There are plenty, which you’ll even find my name on, which talk about assisting with an adoption reunion, but the chances are that your natural relatives might not even read that. I mean the whole search is about finding adopted family that may be a sibling, cousin or even a parent, but how do you find a sibling, if the sibling doesn’t know about their adoption, how do you even find a sibling if the sibling doesn’t know about you, and will never search for you in return. Even though I knew that I have been adopted, because I was adopted within the family of my mother. There was a whole lot of stuff we never knew… Give me the time to tell you my tale. The information that I have is very sketchy and was obtained on 25 July 2006. My natural mother was born in 1961, who was married to a guy, from who she fell pregnant, (with my oldest brother born 1978). I’m not sure if he knew about my mothers’ pregnancy. What happened then…? I don’t know all I know is that the child was born and my mother gave him up for adoption. Now my mother had 2 brothers, they had no idea that this child (my eldest brother) had been born and adopted. She then met someone else in her life, to which she didn’t get married, but fell pregnant again, (this is with little me born 1979), anyway my mother gave me up for adoption after she got married again and my grandparents adopted me. My mother then fell pregnant again (this time my youngest brother born 1981), thereafter she passed away. I was then adopted by my mothers’ brother and his wife. Anyway, through this all no one really knew of my eldest brother. I obtained information that guided me in terms of my brothers, and where I discovered that I also had a sister, a sister of whom there is no details available. I know that she is the eldest of the 4 of us, but that’s what I know. One of my mothers’ brothers is still alive, and I contacted him, to find out why they have never shared the information related to my older brother and sister. To my amazement he was just as stunned as what I was. They never knew… How is it, that your whole family falls apart and no one knows… every thought has gone through my head about this, but the people who have all these answers has passed on. From all the information I were able to obtain from all the family members at that time, me and my brother had the same father. Then the shock of my life… I received a letter, after I have requested more information on the stuff I got. This letter stated that we don’t have the same natural father as I mentioned above. Mine was still alive and the detail of him is on file. What a shock. I felt as if my whole world had collapsed that I lost something that I wouldn’t be able to get. Then in desperation I decided to search for him. Him I call him, because all I have is a Mr. and surname. Thinking of it makes me feel sick. How is it that you call your biological father Mr. Mr whoever you are. So I started completing all the documentation in search for Mr. Whoever. The registrar of adoptions has sent of a letter to his last known address and will send a total of 3 to which he has to reply should he want to meet with me. Till now, I have heard nothing. The first letter has gone of, and I suppose the 2 others are to follow. Let’s just give it time. I have to realize that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I can’t build my little empire in a day, and therefore I need to be patient…

08 January 2008

What about sharing information

I thought that adding this message might help a few of us in search of adoptees’. There are so many sites where one can log information, search for birth parents, but when it comes to actually trying to all the information it is one mission… Mission possible…. Not impossible… Adopted Children Although adopted children have became part of another family, we may want to know more about our birth family, to know where we come from, family history and so much more. We want to feel both accepted by our adoptive family and comfortable about our origin and identity. Most of the adopted young people think about meeting with birth relatives, which results in one major search, which is a long and painful road… Birth relatives Birth relatives mostly has a strong need to be reassured that the adoptee is alive and well, and sometimes would also like more news on health and progress. Although this news sometimes brings back painful memories, most birth parents and relatives feel they would rather have it than not. A regular exchange of information between birth relatives and adopted parents may help to smooth the way if the adopted child proposes a meeting when he/she is grown.

Easier said than done… but the registrar of adoptions reports that 90% of adopted children are successful in finding their birth parent. Sixty percent of the birth parent is not willing to make contact. Well about everything else Fairly comprehensive documentation is kept with the registrar of adoptions in Pretoria. Some of these documents are legal document which may not be destroyed, so the registrar keeps:

  • The consent form of the biological parents
  • The application for adoption of the adoptive parents
  • The social worker’s report on the adoptive parents
  • The social worker’s detailed profile of the birth parent (Should the adoption have taken places at agencies like Johannesburg child welfare, this profile is kept in the agency’s archives.)

Great news is that the adoption records are kept for 70 years. The social worker’s profile contains as much identifying detail of the birth parents family, background history, interests, hobbies and circumstances of the adoption. Details such as birth dates, identification numbers and the full names of the birth mother’s parents are recorded if available. This aids tracing if the mother remarry and changes her name. If some of the information is not available the department of home affairs is able to provide some assistance in obtaining the information. A photograph of the birth parents, which is rare, completes the adopted child’s background.

In our adult life these documents are of vital importance to us, should we feel that we need to trace our origin. I think that once you start your search most adoptees feel that they have a fantastic home, and a very loving family, and they don’t want their adoptive parent to know about their search for fear or upsetting them. Most of the people who search are not looking for love, but they either need more background details to complete their picture.

07 January 2008

In search with no Luck!

To begin a message like this is not a very easy thing to do. I have longed for so many years to actually get to the day that I will be able to trace my past. Being 1 of 4 children that has been adopted is not a very pleasant situation to be in… Well at least not for me, I have tried for so many years to track down my brother, that at times I felt that there will never be a happy ending to this fairy tale… Fairy tale, yes well, that is how I try to see this situation, cause in every fairytale, there is a happy ending… Unfortunately life just didn't have that planed for me, nor should I say till now, and let me just be positive about the future. You see I was the fortunate one, I have been fortunate enough to be adopted by the brother of my mother, and he and his wife has been very good to me, and has also encouraged me to find my siblings. You see my life of searching officially started on: 14/10/2003, this was the day when I got my first bit of information that I so desperately searched for. My mother fell pregnant with me and I was born in 3/12/79, after which my brother was born on 9/05/1981. My mother has past on shortly after that. I was however adopted like I said within the family, but my brother was not. When I reached the age of 18, my adoptive parents and I started looking for my brother; in my search I have contacted the registrar of adoptions in Pretoria for assistance. Never once did I think, that there might be any underlying secrets, well I opened up a whole big can of worms for myself, and the emotions that came with it. Well upon receiving information back from all the authorities and people I contacted I then discovered that I not only have one brother but in fact I have 2 brothers and one sister that none of the family members has been aware of. That seemed to be great news… so I think! And so immediately, I started looking for all of them. They are my blood, the only family I have left (except for my uncle who is also still alive, and thanks for that). Well I found that my one brother was born on 09/05/1981 and my other brother was born on 29/06/1978, and for my sister, she was never registered and therefore there were no records of her on file... This information really made me feel that this time I had the opportunity and information, enough for me to track my siblings and so the whole search began. Many forms had to be completed and sent of to the registrar of adoptions, in which they attempt to track your siblings. I posted information on the tripods web in desperation, and where ever I could find an adoption site… On 10/12/2003, I have received a call from the authorities, which informed me that they were not able to find my older brother due to the fact that both his adoptive parent had past away; As for my younger brother they found that the adoptive family were not aware that he might have any family that were alive and therefore they felt that they didn’t want to put him through, heartbreak and confusion. It just feels that my search had come to an end. A dead end - with no way out! I will do anything to finally meet them. I know to re-unite won't be easy for any of us, as we grew up in different families with different values and ways. Maybe it would be more difficult than I thought, but I would have liked the chance to be able to finally meet the 2 most important people in my life. I don't believe that anyone could understand the effect this search has on a person, until something like this happens to you. With this I end my Message, and wish all of you searching for someone the best of luck.

04 January 2008

Farewell 2007 and Hello 2008!

If one could only see your own life through the eyes of a stranger! Wouldn’t your life look so perfect…? Well unfortunately for some of us it’s not the reality… 2007, was a year of many heartache, many failures, and a few happy days. We started the year with my brother in law, who fell very ill on old years eve and we had to rush him of to the hospital… Well the year ended with a bang… well so I think… We spend time with the family, and this time round, they were all able to attend, alive, kicking and no injuries… everyone except me… Or should I say, sorry little I (well I just feel sorry for myself these days). This for me, was the year were I had to face my biggest fear, I had to jump up, and I had to expose myself, put myself in the limelight, and I did. For us it was the year in witch we decided that we would like to plan our family. Not plan in a way that many might think… well let me take you back… back in the day… You see I have been married for 9 years, in witch I have always said that a child will come when it is time for the child to arrive. Never once did I think about my motherly clock, about the fact that one might have issues, when you are young, this is truly the last thing on your mind. In about 2003, myself and my husband started talking about seriously starting to plan our family and since then we have tried, well I guess you know what I’ll say…. Ya… With no luck! Unfortunately for the both of us, by then all his family members had started with their families, as they have all started to turn heads to us… and every time they have started to ask… I turned my head to my husband and shyly smiled, and replied with the only reply I could seem to think up… We not planning yet, we are not ready yet, AND by the time you go home, you want to cry yourself to sleep that night, because even with you saying that, you know it’s not true… It just doesn’t want to happen. All the negative thoughts run through your mind… It’s me, what if and so on and so on… I went from gynaecologist to gynaecologist, always the same old story, pap smear, testing here, testing there, scrape, laparoscopy, all injections against measles, mumps you name it… the list is so long one can’t even remember every little detail and how many, but from moving from the one to the other I always had the same story, there is nothing wrong, you will be able to conceive naturally. Going to our GP, was a different story, seeing that one is still young and na├»ve, you think that all clinics/Hospitals works on referrals… so off you go to the GP, sitting in the waiting are, you ponder on how in life are you going to tell him that you need help, but you don’t want his help, you need someone that he can refer you to, but every time I landed up at the GP’s office luck wasn’t on my side, for some reason I always had something else, cough here, a pain there, or there was something else picked up during the blood testing. I didn’t even feel sick, but I had some or other thing that they had to clean out first, either my salt levels were high, or I had a virus in my blood or something, and so time flew pass… Well in October 2007 one Friday afternoon, once again we went of to the doctor, well hubby was a bit sick (Flu), but I was as healthy as the fittest athlete… While making the appointment I mentioned that it will be for both of us. So arriving at the doctors’ waiting room, I once again sat and ponder on how I will pop this question to him. Time was not in my favour, so we got called into the rooms. After the whole examination of the ill patient (My husband) it was my turn… So Dr. Umm…I… we want to start planning a family, and have testing so many times, that we now desperately need to do something else. Before I could even try to explain my whole story, he came back saying that we need to make an appointment when my husband is healthy and they will send us for test… I got so upset… thought to myself HELL NO…! On our way home, I sat there sulking, and my husband could see that this time round, thing will not just go away… I poured my heart out… It is difficult enough dealing with what I have to deal with and now over and above all this, the Dr tells me to come back… Arriving at the office Monday 15 October 2007, I started browsing the web, in search for assistance. Answers to all these things running through my brain! Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this? What am I doing wrong? What can I do? What can I do, was the best question ever… one might not think so at that point in time, but by browsing on what can I do about infertility, I stumbled across a webpage containing all information related to infertility clinics within South Africa. Well click here, read… click there… read… Amazing things is happening, things that could help us… Yes maybe this journey that I want to embark on will not be easy, but it’s sure worth the try… Moving from the one page to the other, I came across a clinic which to me was situated right, which is easy accessible, and so I started browsing the clinics web, mmm, looks like a stunning place, but hey, how does one ever know that this place is the right place… I started searching the web for forums in which they discuss infertility and their experiences with the specific clinics. Mmm looks like the ladies that use them are hopeful, they feel confident, and they truly have placed their trust in the fertility specialist…. I grabbed the phone, and started dialling the number. Then I put it down… what are you thinking, nothing is wrong? Then I grab it again, and slam it down again. Ran out of the office for a meeting, in which I couldn’t even concentrate as the thoughts crept into my little busy overworked brain… I have to. Coming out of the meeting I took a walk to my office and convinced myself to make the call. If everything was okay, why then panic, they could only confirm it, or…. O NO... please no or… Got in the office and started dialling the number. The receptionist that picked up the phones voice is warm and caring (or so it sounded) She asked a few questions and then promptly responded… We have an opening on 30 November 2007; Hell so quick was my response… She: Is this then to soon… Me: No, No, umm thanks its fine, I’ll take it… On my way to my husband, I could think of ways how to break this news to him. Well if he would feel anything like I did, mmm, arrived at his work to pick him up for the day… I started asking about how his day was… and left him the opportunity to do the same… I started explaining my day, and halfway through I just couldn’t resist the temptation and mumbled it all out… “We will be seeing a FS on 30 Nov” He started off asking all these questions, why, for, there is nothing they can tell us that we don’t know… I just kept quiet, deep down I knew he felt the same as what I did before I made the call. I gave him a smile and drove home… The day of the appointment was nerve wrecking, overwhelming and emotional… But hey a, girls got to do, what a girls got to do…There we were sitting in the waiting area waiting for our FS to arrive from another procedure. All the couples sitting in this area is staring at everyone, and now and then you’ll either get a hidden smile or a lady who comes out of an office tearful, and so our time arrived to go in… Sitting in the Drs’ Office is more nerve wrecking than sitting in the waiting room, it almost felt like sitting in a principles office for something I did wrong… When Dr walked in, I felt like the room could just open up and swallow me… But instead, nothing happened! Dr introduced himself and started to explain how they as a fertility clinic operate… Sjoe, what a stunning place… from there, I had to go empty the bladder and go to the scanning room…. The assistant in the scanning room came in… Hi there broeks off please, Dr will be with you shortly. So there you lay… cold and you know that we will lay there feeling hotish… blushing, or feeling very uncomfortable… but hey, Dr made me feel very comfortable, he explain the whole process, even though it was just an internal scan, but I really felt like I was in good hands. Now what next… After the scan, coming out of the room, I got escorted to a consultant’s room, where she explained the blood testing over your cycle days… O well, easy… They just take blood twice, one on cycle day 1 if it starts early, or cycle day 2 should it start late on CD 1… can’t be that difficult… O yes... hubby also does a test… O and then of cause you still have to phone when you start to make an appointment for a HSG… what the hell… yes a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). So on CD1, I was hysterical when I started, excited, angry that it came so quick, and really nervous. I contacted the clinic, and they calmly explained the process… so not today, also not tomorrow, the day after you test… test one… then the day after that you test day 2… Great understood, and off I go for testing… mmm what happens to all these results… Please don’t ask me… I still don’t know… Now the appointment for the HSG, and semen analysis… (Ha-ha) this must be very embarrassing for a male… the ego thing you know. So contacted the clinic, and made an appointment for 21 Dec 2007, almost the end of the year I know, but there is no time to waist and no trying stopping me... Well now the lady explains, you need to remember that you need to make an appointment for the semen analysis to. Please bring this with, or will you husband come through with you… O well, another day of being brave, all on my own, and no one who cares… Just kidding, Hubby couldn’t get off work, so I thought I will do it on my own, can’t be that bad anyway. That morning, planned my morning perfectly, I had to go shower, dress, put on make-up, blow-dry my hair and then, o yes then, get the stuff in the cup, and run and drive like a women with some or other mad disease… Hell what if they stop me… what if I don’t make it in time… what if there is a whole bunch of roadblocks.... O well we will just have to deal with it when we get there… So I got the container, rushed off to the car, started, reversed and off I went… Came to the Clinic quickly booked in the container for the analysis, completed my forms, made an appointment to see the doctor for the results (damn only on 21 January 2008), paid and off I went for the HSG. While I was sitting there watching all the ladies come out of the room, they all came out a bit puffy eyed, but said, hey it’s not that bad. You’ll see, and they walked out of there as if nothing has just happened. And so the one to the other went in and came out. Then of cause it came to my turn. I went in, normal procedure… brooks of, then the assistant place a little pad on top of your clothing, and the Dr comes in. Hell it’s not my doctor, he is on leave, so I need to settle down and see what is in store…. Damn it’s painful, I don’t know maybe my toleration of pain is just not high, but I felt so emotional, I looked at the monitor and couldn’t really understand what I was seeing, I know he talked me through it all, but I just couldn’t listen… For someone who is so scared of needles and for someone who doesn’t like to be cut open, why does this always have to happen to me…? Anyway, the assistant (a lady) came over and I’m so sure she could see that I was really stressed and in pain, she held my hand and chatted to me, not that I really listened, all I could think of is just to get done… Afterwards they gave me time to collect myself… mmm not much collecting needed cause I totally lost myself through the years… but anyway, wipe the tears, get dressed and off you go… When I got back in the car… boy…. I just cracked, I couldn’t stop crying. It was as if they have taken something from me. It was painful, I hated it… anyway, went to hubby to tell him I’m fine, and when I saw him I just cried my eyes out… and it took him a few minutes to calm me down… and off I went home… Home is a great place to be, and all I have to do now is wait, wait, and wait. Wait for the time to pass to go and hear the results of all the test conducted… I suppose I have to just wait and see! And so time will take us into 2008. This is a poem, which really inspired me, a poem that keeps me going, that gives me hope! The Chosen Heart Longing for a child to love, I'd wish upon the stars above. In my heart I always knew A part of me was meant for you. I think how happy we will be, Once I adopt you, and you adopt me. I dream of all the joy you'll bring, Imagining even the littlest things. The way it will feel to hold you tight, And tuck you in every night. The drawing on the refrigerator door, And childhood toys across the floor. The favourite stories read again and again, And hours of games with make-believe friends. The day you took my outstretched hand, A journey ended, but our lives began. Still mesmerized by your sweet face, Still warmed inside by our first embrace. I promised to give you a happy home, And a loving family all your own. A house you've now made complete, With laughter, smiles, and tiny feet. A parent is one who guides the way, Know I will be there everyday. Rest easy as each night you sleep, A lifetime of love is yours to keep. Longing for a child to love, I'd wish upon the stars above. In my heart I always knew, A part of me belonged to you.