04 January 2008

Farewell 2007 and Hello 2008!

If one could only see your own life through the eyes of a stranger! Wouldn’t your life look so perfect…? Well unfortunately for some of us it’s not the reality… 2007, was a year of many heartache, many failures, and a few happy days. We started the year with my brother in law, who fell very ill on old years eve and we had to rush him of to the hospital… Well the year ended with a bang… well so I think… We spend time with the family, and this time round, they were all able to attend, alive, kicking and no injuries… everyone except me… Or should I say, sorry little I (well I just feel sorry for myself these days). This for me, was the year were I had to face my biggest fear, I had to jump up, and I had to expose myself, put myself in the limelight, and I did. For us it was the year in witch we decided that we would like to plan our family. Not plan in a way that many might think… well let me take you back… back in the day… You see I have been married for 9 years, in witch I have always said that a child will come when it is time for the child to arrive. Never once did I think about my motherly clock, about the fact that one might have issues, when you are young, this is truly the last thing on your mind. In about 2003, myself and my husband started talking about seriously starting to plan our family and since then we have tried, well I guess you know what I’ll say…. Ya… With no luck! Unfortunately for the both of us, by then all his family members had started with their families, as they have all started to turn heads to us… and every time they have started to ask… I turned my head to my husband and shyly smiled, and replied with the only reply I could seem to think up… We not planning yet, we are not ready yet, AND by the time you go home, you want to cry yourself to sleep that night, because even with you saying that, you know it’s not true… It just doesn’t want to happen. All the negative thoughts run through your mind… It’s me, what if and so on and so on… I went from gynaecologist to gynaecologist, always the same old story, pap smear, testing here, testing there, scrape, laparoscopy, all injections against measles, mumps you name it… the list is so long one can’t even remember every little detail and how many, but from moving from the one to the other I always had the same story, there is nothing wrong, you will be able to conceive naturally. Going to our GP, was a different story, seeing that one is still young and naïve, you think that all clinics/Hospitals works on referrals… so off you go to the GP, sitting in the waiting are, you ponder on how in life are you going to tell him that you need help, but you don’t want his help, you need someone that he can refer you to, but every time I landed up at the GP’s office luck wasn’t on my side, for some reason I always had something else, cough here, a pain there, or there was something else picked up during the blood testing. I didn’t even feel sick, but I had some or other thing that they had to clean out first, either my salt levels were high, or I had a virus in my blood or something, and so time flew pass… Well in October 2007 one Friday afternoon, once again we went of to the doctor, well hubby was a bit sick (Flu), but I was as healthy as the fittest athlete… While making the appointment I mentioned that it will be for both of us. So arriving at the doctors’ waiting room, I once again sat and ponder on how I will pop this question to him. Time was not in my favour, so we got called into the rooms. After the whole examination of the ill patient (My husband) it was my turn… So Dr. Umm…I… we want to start planning a family, and have testing so many times, that we now desperately need to do something else. Before I could even try to explain my whole story, he came back saying that we need to make an appointment when my husband is healthy and they will send us for test… I got so upset… thought to myself HELL NO…! On our way home, I sat there sulking, and my husband could see that this time round, thing will not just go away… I poured my heart out… It is difficult enough dealing with what I have to deal with and now over and above all this, the Dr tells me to come back… Arriving at the office Monday 15 October 2007, I started browsing the web, in search for assistance. Answers to all these things running through my brain! Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this? What am I doing wrong? What can I do? What can I do, was the best question ever… one might not think so at that point in time, but by browsing on what can I do about infertility, I stumbled across a webpage containing all information related to infertility clinics within South Africa. Well click here, read… click there… read… Amazing things is happening, things that could help us… Yes maybe this journey that I want to embark on will not be easy, but it’s sure worth the try… Moving from the one page to the other, I came across a clinic which to me was situated right, which is easy accessible, and so I started browsing the clinics web, mmm, looks like a stunning place, but hey, how does one ever know that this place is the right place… I started searching the web for forums in which they discuss infertility and their experiences with the specific clinics. Mmm looks like the ladies that use them are hopeful, they feel confident, and they truly have placed their trust in the fertility specialist…. I grabbed the phone, and started dialling the number. Then I put it down… what are you thinking, nothing is wrong? Then I grab it again, and slam it down again. Ran out of the office for a meeting, in which I couldn’t even concentrate as the thoughts crept into my little busy overworked brain… I have to. Coming out of the meeting I took a walk to my office and convinced myself to make the call. If everything was okay, why then panic, they could only confirm it, or…. O NO... please no or… Got in the office and started dialling the number. The receptionist that picked up the phones voice is warm and caring (or so it sounded) She asked a few questions and then promptly responded… We have an opening on 30 November 2007; Hell so quick was my response… She: Is this then to soon… Me: No, No, umm thanks its fine, I’ll take it… On my way to my husband, I could think of ways how to break this news to him. Well if he would feel anything like I did, mmm, arrived at his work to pick him up for the day… I started asking about how his day was… and left him the opportunity to do the same… I started explaining my day, and halfway through I just couldn’t resist the temptation and mumbled it all out… “We will be seeing a FS on 30 Nov” He started off asking all these questions, why, for, there is nothing they can tell us that we don’t know… I just kept quiet, deep down I knew he felt the same as what I did before I made the call. I gave him a smile and drove home… The day of the appointment was nerve wrecking, overwhelming and emotional… But hey a, girls got to do, what a girls got to do…There we were sitting in the waiting area waiting for our FS to arrive from another procedure. All the couples sitting in this area is staring at everyone, and now and then you’ll either get a hidden smile or a lady who comes out of an office tearful, and so our time arrived to go in… Sitting in the Drs’ Office is more nerve wrecking than sitting in the waiting room, it almost felt like sitting in a principles office for something I did wrong… When Dr walked in, I felt like the room could just open up and swallow me… But instead, nothing happened! Dr introduced himself and started to explain how they as a fertility clinic operate… Sjoe, what a stunning place… from there, I had to go empty the bladder and go to the scanning room…. The assistant in the scanning room came in… Hi there broeks off please, Dr will be with you shortly. So there you lay… cold and you know that we will lay there feeling hotish… blushing, or feeling very uncomfortable… but hey, Dr made me feel very comfortable, he explain the whole process, even though it was just an internal scan, but I really felt like I was in good hands. Now what next… After the scan, coming out of the room, I got escorted to a consultant’s room, where she explained the blood testing over your cycle days… O well, easy… They just take blood twice, one on cycle day 1 if it starts early, or cycle day 2 should it start late on CD 1… can’t be that difficult… O yes... hubby also does a test… O and then of cause you still have to phone when you start to make an appointment for a HSG… what the hell… yes a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). So on CD1, I was hysterical when I started, excited, angry that it came so quick, and really nervous. I contacted the clinic, and they calmly explained the process… so not today, also not tomorrow, the day after you test… test one… then the day after that you test day 2… Great understood, and off I go for testing… mmm what happens to all these results… Please don’t ask me… I still don’t know… Now the appointment for the HSG, and semen analysis… (Ha-ha) this must be very embarrassing for a male… the ego thing you know. So contacted the clinic, and made an appointment for 21 Dec 2007, almost the end of the year I know, but there is no time to waist and no trying stopping me... Well now the lady explains, you need to remember that you need to make an appointment for the semen analysis to. Please bring this with, or will you husband come through with you… O well, another day of being brave, all on my own, and no one who cares… Just kidding, Hubby couldn’t get off work, so I thought I will do it on my own, can’t be that bad anyway. That morning, planned my morning perfectly, I had to go shower, dress, put on make-up, blow-dry my hair and then, o yes then, get the stuff in the cup, and run and drive like a women with some or other mad disease… Hell what if they stop me… what if I don’t make it in time… what if there is a whole bunch of roadblocks.... O well we will just have to deal with it when we get there… So I got the container, rushed off to the car, started, reversed and off I went… Came to the Clinic quickly booked in the container for the analysis, completed my forms, made an appointment to see the doctor for the results (damn only on 21 January 2008), paid and off I went for the HSG. While I was sitting there watching all the ladies come out of the room, they all came out a bit puffy eyed, but said, hey it’s not that bad. You’ll see, and they walked out of there as if nothing has just happened. And so the one to the other went in and came out. Then of cause it came to my turn. I went in, normal procedure… brooks of, then the assistant place a little pad on top of your clothing, and the Dr comes in. Hell it’s not my doctor, he is on leave, so I need to settle down and see what is in store…. Damn it’s painful, I don’t know maybe my toleration of pain is just not high, but I felt so emotional, I looked at the monitor and couldn’t really understand what I was seeing, I know he talked me through it all, but I just couldn’t listen… For someone who is so scared of needles and for someone who doesn’t like to be cut open, why does this always have to happen to me…? Anyway, the assistant (a lady) came over and I’m so sure she could see that I was really stressed and in pain, she held my hand and chatted to me, not that I really listened, all I could think of is just to get done… Afterwards they gave me time to collect myself… mmm not much collecting needed cause I totally lost myself through the years… but anyway, wipe the tears, get dressed and off you go… When I got back in the car… boy…. I just cracked, I couldn’t stop crying. It was as if they have taken something from me. It was painful, I hated it… anyway, went to hubby to tell him I’m fine, and when I saw him I just cried my eyes out… and it took him a few minutes to calm me down… and off I went home… Home is a great place to be, and all I have to do now is wait, wait, and wait. Wait for the time to pass to go and hear the results of all the test conducted… I suppose I have to just wait and see! And so time will take us into 2008. This is a poem, which really inspired me, a poem that keeps me going, that gives me hope! The Chosen Heart Longing for a child to love, I'd wish upon the stars above. In my heart I always knew A part of me was meant for you. I think how happy we will be, Once I adopt you, and you adopt me. I dream of all the joy you'll bring, Imagining even the littlest things. The way it will feel to hold you tight, And tuck you in every night. The drawing on the refrigerator door, And childhood toys across the floor. The favourite stories read again and again, And hours of games with make-believe friends. The day you took my outstretched hand, A journey ended, but our lives began. Still mesmerized by your sweet face, Still warmed inside by our first embrace. I promised to give you a happy home, And a loving family all your own. A house you've now made complete, With laughter, smiles, and tiny feet. A parent is one who guides the way, Know I will be there everyday. Rest easy as each night you sleep, A lifetime of love is yours to keep. Longing for a child to love, I'd wish upon the stars above. In my heart I always knew, A part of me belonged to you.

1 comment:

  1. I was also very teary. I also experienced alot of pain and self pitty. Men don't always understand what we are going through, and why we get so emotional.

    I'm here if you want to talk


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