A BIT OF EVERYTHING

O wow, our leave was great. I really felt so refreshed when I returned. You can't believe what a wonderful time myself and hubby had and that we managed to have a very pleasant and relaxing time together.

and then....

we both had to return to work, and both of us are stressed out again.

but a number of things changed for me as well. I have been telling you all about this very exciting thing that I didn't want to jinx, well I might have. I was desperate to move on from where I currently work, I have tried to cope with what I had to go through, but I think mentally I just wasn't at the right place. So I went for a couple of interviews, but I don't think that my heart and mind wanted the same thing...

anyway, I just think that my brain told me that it was the right thing to do, but I realized that I'm happy where I am, I really love my job, I love all *some* of the people I work with and that I am wanting to leave because of decisions that I believe was wrongly made. Well I still think so but who cares what I think.

So just before I left, we received a notification advising us that we have been assigned a coach. I initially didn't feel so pleased with this, but realized what an amazing coach I got, and how I will be able to learn so much from my coach. So after I returned I spend a couple of sessions with my coach and WOW, I really think that I am at a much better space, I really value my coach so much. I managed to learn in a very small period that things *IS WHAT IT IS* You can't change it, but you can sure as hell change your attitude about things, and I am trying, and let me tell you IT'S WORKING. Stuff I really wanted to happen in my life, which I so desperately wanted for so long on a career level, suddenly doors are opening, don't know if everything will work out the way I hope, but yet again *IT WILL BE WHAT IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE*  but please hold thumbs, and hopefully I will be able to share a very exciting post one day telling you all about my Job or something great that happened.

So anyway - my birthday is one of these days, and my anniversary! I just can't believe that time has gone so fast. I will be married 13 Years this year on December 5, and turn 32. I'm very excited about it! I just can't wait for all my presents and all the love that is shared on birthdays and anniversaries, but then on the other hand I can't wait for the Festive season either. I am like a child during this time of the year, maybe because it starts so early for me with my birthday, and hey - i don't just want one gifts for all 3 the occasions I want plenty from hubby *smile*

Hope you all will have a break during the festive season, and that you will be spending time with family and friends... unfortunately I will be working...

• Will you be creating menus?
• Will you be cooking?
• What will you be preparing for the festive season?
• What's your plans for the festive season?

Hope to hear from you soon

Merry Christmas

To all you wonderful people out there. I hope you had a wonderful time with family and friends

From Stefanie

HAVE YOU EVER?

1. Have you ever regretted making a decision?
2. Have you ever felt that a decision has impacted your life negatively?
3. Have you ever felt alone?

Well that’s exactly how I feel

So here is my story… and I stick to it :-)

So here’s explaining the “making a bad decision part” about a year ago I was confronted with a opportunity to work permanently at my company, and I had to leave the contracting house I was working for permanently I really enjoyed working for the contracting house however being a contractor you really didn’t have a lot of stability and contracts and areas kept on changing and I was working away from home at times which impacted the family planning part of our lives. The interview was great okay the 3 interviews I had… It really sounded like a stable environment and an environment where I could grow it sounded like this was a well establish area and that there were lots of opportunities for me. It sounded like a place where I could be myself and enjoy my work as I love what I do and would never want to change my profession so I took the opportunity to come work permanently at my company. I resigned from the contracting house even though I was really enjoying the work there! My first couple of projects in the new company was great and especially the first one and I had a great opportunity to proof what I’m worth, but then it all started….

Now let me explain the “Regretting making a decision” part

My boss is the type of person who prefers to tell the entire team stuff as the team needs to understand where one is emotionally and personally. So I had to explain all the fertility treatment stuff with my boss and my colleagues in order for them to understand when I pop out the office for tests or for treatment and for them to understand when you go through anything emotionally (not that I think some people even care about all these things, and I still think that some people are uncomfortable with me sharing all this). I really didn’t want to share all the struggles with infertility because I feel that this is personal, it’s something I need to deal with and only our closes friends and family really know about our struggle but eventually I had to share this in order for me to get time off to go for appointments, test and all those things, it all worked out kind of okay.! The team knew where I went and they really didn’t ask a lot of questions and when I left they had no issues with me leaving earlier or coming in later. Now a year later I find it more and more difficult to make any type of appointment as work time always has to come first, you see there is no employment act that states that you are allowed time off for these type of treatments and it really depends on you boss and the company. So you’re not allowed to just take time for appointment at the clinic, and when I now have to go for any type of treatment I need to do this between the opening hours and 12PM as the appointment are only scheduled in the mornings till 12. So I’m kind off in a catch 22. I can’t get time off and when I do ask I have to answer a lot of questions which makes me uncomfortable, and in some cases when I try and put in leave my leave is rejected because of the projects that I work on and deliverables that is coming up. So this kind off make me regret making the decision to move when I had all the opportunity with my previous employer. (Please just note that I by no means say my employer is bad it’s a great company to work for it’s just that infertility and time off kind off suck at this present moment)

Now let me explain the “Have you ever felt that a decision has impacted your life negatively”

You see for some reason I always end up being hurt some time. It’s actually such a long story but I’ll try and explain this briefly. There are times that people actually don’t care when children are part of adult conversations, or there’s times that you actually don’t notice them, but when children is part of these conversations they actually do listen, whether they understand what is being discussed or not… believe me they listen, and when they hear I always thought that they will not discuss this or bring this up because they were not suppose to listen or that they didn’t understand what was said… but O boy was I so wrong! We have wonderful friends; friends we got to know and grew very close to over the last couple of years, almost 4 years to be exact. They have lovely children and I really love being with them and I really love their children. They have always been there for us and their children have spent a bit of time over by us as well. I would really not want to loose them as friends, but on Friday nigh I got a wake up call again, and to be honest it was hurtful, so much that I had to cry myself to sleep. On Friday night we quickly went over to our friends’ house as hubby felt like having a drink with our friend and I was spending some time between the children. It was really very relaxing to just sit there and watch TV with the kiddies, but then one of the children mentioned that I don’t have children and that I wouldn’t have (I don’t want to explain the whole conversation), but it HIT HOME… IT HIT DEEP. And I would have never expected it to touch me so much but it did, and me and hubby ended up (after we left) fighting over the fact that I hardly have any time or that I hardly make any time to sort myself out and to carry on planning for our future and for our child. So now I know that I have negatively impacted my live by the choice I made to move from the contracting house even hubby feels the brunt of my decision. I made the decision to move, I knew that I had fertility issues and I knew that we had to do treatments and my decision has officially impacted that and hubby is just getting more and more frustrated. It’s because of my choice to have more stability in my life and now I just regret this decision as this officially negatively impact my life and it’s terrible

Now lastly let me explain the “I feel alone part”

After we left our friends house, I felt very crappy, I really felt so emotional (and like I said I don’t really understand why but the comment hit home) and I was chatting to hubby about it to kind off vent. I really had to get this out of my system. I really felt hurt, but hubby just added to this whole thing and it turned out to be a big fight. I suppose it’s because he never really talk about the infertility. He carries on as if we have a normal life without any issues, and then at times he has his little explosions and Friday night was one. After his little explosion I kind of felt as if I keep him back in life, I feel that he could have had a full life with children which he always have wanted, but instead, he is stuck with me… - Okay here’s some self pity I know – he is stuck with someone who can’t seem to get it right to give him children, whose body has always let them down and I can see what that is doing to him and it hurts me. I have mentioned time and time again that if he feels that it is time for him to move on to be happy with children that he should. I’m sure I’ll manage on my own I’m sure I’ll survive and I’m very sure that God will someday bless me with a child. I keep hoping, I keep praying and I keep wishing.

With this I end off the post for today, and I thought I’ll leave you all with a small message to break the depressing mood of this post. Forgive me for venting on my blog today, but I really needed to vent and I knew that my blog will be a safe place for me to vent and be supported by my Blog friends!

Only You

A person can make you feel high,

A person can make you feel low.

But only you can decide,

Which way you want to go.

A person can hurt you mentally,

A person can hurt you physically.

But only you can place,

A limit on your abilities.

A person can cause drama,

A person can cause a situation.

But only you can create,

Your own reputation

A person can make you laugh,

A person can make you cry.

But only you can make,

Decisions for your life.

So

Don't live by what people do,

But live by what you know is true.

IUI UPDATE

On Wednesday night after work and on my way home later than usual, my best friend from school phoned and invited us over for supper. It was so glad that she invited us over as I really didn’t feel like preparing anything. I desperately needed the sleep as I had evening classes on Monday and Tuesday, and I felt a bit stressed out for the IUI, so off we went. After we ate and sat and watched a movie with them it was time to go. We all gathered outside and her 2 children greeted us like they always do (They are such loveable children) my friend gave me a big hug and wished us luck for Thursday. She then grabbed our hand and asked everyone to stand there and hold hands while she will say a prayer, however as she started the tears took over and I could actually see how emotional she is about what we are experiencing. It is such an honor to have a friend like this. She is such an amazing person and I’m truly blessed to have her in my life.

So Thursday morning started very bright and early, and P and I had to rush off to the Clinic seeing that it a bit of travel for us. Got there P delivered our little swimmers and then off he went as his boss is kind of funny with him wanting to be late and be with me. So I told him to just go I don’t want any issues at this stage of my life. Anyway so Pre-ovulation IUI was done. I am a bit skeptical as the Ovulation predictors kit showed that I ovulated already. Then again Friday morning myself and P went very early, dear hubby was such a sweetie, he then once again delivered our little swimmers and this time round he had breakfast before he had to rush off to work, which left me feeling a bit in a better mood than Thursday.

So eventually I returned to the Clinic and had to sit and wait for my turn. When I went into the little procedure room I sat and waited for Dr to arrive and felt very teary eye. Starting to question everything in my head, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give myself the answers, but I really had all these questions. Dr Then stepped in, he completed the IUI and off he went to the next room. While I was laying there all kind of emotions got the better of me as I lay their and having a little cry. I don’t know why I feel like crying but I do. Afterwards I picked up my progesterone cram and Utrogestan tablets and headed to work where I have a jam packed day filled with lots of issues.

Of cause the weekend follows all of this, and let me tell you what an exhausting weekend but it was fun. My friends little girl played netball and my godchild rugby, and it’s so amazing to see these little once try their utmost best at this weird and wonderful game. So Saturday morning was my first day of progesterone cream and the night my first Utrogestan, which didn’t leave me with any side effects, except for the fact that my breasts are so tender that even the water from the shower makes me want to cry. I have never experienced so much tenderness in my breasts ever before. It’s been to such extend that I kept on waking up during the night whenever I moved or turned. I don’t know why it feels like this, but what I do know is that I’ll have a couple of sleepless nights till the tenderness settles.

SO LADIES AND GENTS… my 2WW (2 Week Wait) has officially started and I will be testing sooner thought as Dr is a bit concerned so I will test on cycle day 26 which is 17 May 2010.

Wish me luck and send me tons of baby dust I really need it!

A photo of me and my best friend S (S is the lady on the right)

PARTY TIME 5 DEC 2009

Hi there,

Okay so I thought I will share a bit of what is happening in my life at the moment…

The BIG BIG 30, is on its way, just a couple of days to go and then I’ll be in my dirty thirties

So while this is happening, on the 5^th of December I’ll be married for 11 years as well.

P and I decided that we will plan a bit of a family and friend gathering, which initially started off very rocky, as one of my projects consumed most of my time and I really didn’t have any time to spend on these arrangements. I phoned so many venues, caterers and decorators, that I really didn’t keep track of everyone I spoke to. Never the less I didn’t seem to find someone that I could really say met everything I was looking for. There are stunning venues, the problem for me was that most of the food, décor etc turned out to be close to 100% the look and feel of a wedding, and this off cause was something I really didn’t want. I didn’t want to have a wedding all over again, nor do I want to have that same look and feel. Sherry fountains were out, sit down meals was out, draping and lighting was the least bit on my mind.

So anyway, after speaking to this one venue that actually did a lot of investigation she came up with a wonderful idea, however the amount I had to pay to entertain 70 guests was so ridiculous. How can you pay approximately R800 per person and that excludes dessert and drinks.

The alternative was to just do it myself.

So ya that’s where I am, I am planning a 30^th and anniversary party for the 5^th of December, and all but 9 guests will make it, which means I have 61 people to entertain the night. The food has been arranged, the drinks, the snacks, the venue, the welcome drink punch and the best of all, the music. Of cause nothing like a wedding, it’s a braai, salads, pot breads, proper snacks and hopefully lots of fun. I’m feeling a bit more relieved now that all the payments and planning has been completed, and now all I have to do is pick up a few stuff on the Saturday and bobs your uncle! Then we still had to plan for all the family to sleep over, and no one really wanted to be pushed into a guest house. So the idea is that most of them will fit into the house, and the youngsters will then camp out in the yard (ha youngsters… I don’t feel that old to be called old) and then I have my dear best friend also sleeping over. I’m so glad she is able to make it!

Okay then hubby decided last night that it’s perfect timing for us to not camp out in tents anymore (Which by the way I liked, because it seemed to have a very relaxing effect on me) but he then wanted to buy a Caravan. So off to the dealer we went last night after looking at the one caravan on the internet, he especially came and unlocked it for us at 18:00 last night, and we so loved the one. So we officially paid the holding deposit, and will be able to collect and pay the balance on Saturday next week (Which of cause is the day of the party), then we have to wait for 5 days and off we go camping for a full 9 days…. YIPPY!

This is what is happening in my life at this time in a nutshell.

Hope to write back soon

LOVE X 7

Yippy… yippy, I’ve got my first Blog award from Emma over at http://aksapphire.blogspot.com/ thank you very much The rules of accepting this award are simple: list seven things you love, and pass the award to seven bloggers you love. Well here it goes

• I love my Husband

Well I believe that I don’t even need to explain this, but I want to. Even though he isn’t always the most understanding, loving or emotional person he is my life. I can’t imagine my life without him. I would never have imagined that we would have gelled this well, we met when I was in Grade 8, and we’re still together today. I love him to bits…

• My family and friends

Every family does have their ups and downs, but hey have been so supportive in times that I really needed them; they also understood when I pushed them aside and never questioned me while I did that.

• I love my 2 Dogs

They are so sweet, they’re like children in our home, and now that it’s so cold and wet, they even spend time indoor… Shame even hubby feels sorry for them needing to be outside!

• My Job

I really love what I do, Project Management is truly the one thing I’ve ever done, which I have no regrets of. It gives me opportunity for growth and it gives me opportunity to be myself.

• Cell phone

I just can’t go without my cell; I’m always on the phone, talking, sms, mms or emailing someone. I get my mails on my phone and love it, and am always available…

• Entertaining

There is no greater time to entertain. I just love entertaining people. We always have something up our sleeves, always have family and friends over, and arrange something weird every now and then… well just like this… we had a “malete” dressed as hobos, and it turned out to be great fun

• Being me

I know that a lot of people have issues with themselves, and so do I, but I love being me. I love living the life I have, being able to be the positive, sparkling me! I love having the family and friends I have, the home I live in and just being able to stand up in the morning, hearing the birds chirp, being able to walk, and talk and at the end of the day, being able to go home, to a place that I adore (because I did the decorating) and it’s mine!

• and now for the 7 Blogs I love (in no particular order)

http://babymakingoneohone.blogspot.com/ http://everythinggiveneverythinggone.blogspot.com/ http://in-due-time.blogspot.com/ http://katery.wordpress.com/ http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com/ http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com/ http://flower1908.blogspot.com/
That's it from me, no you have a great day!

8 x 8 ALL ABOUT ME

I GOT TAGGED!
tHE RULES:

1. Mentioned who tagged you: Clare over at (http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com/)
2. Complete the list of 8’s
3. Tag 8 people

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

• The 4th of June, hopefully I’ll have a BFP
• The weekend, so I can be home again
• Spending time with my husband now that I’m working so far from home
• I’m getting older (30) but it’s so exciting in December
• Another December, cause I just love the festive times
• Going for a interview, and hopefully I’ll get the job
• Seeing a old friend, which I haven’t seen in a while
• Mmm, Lunch, I’m so hungry right now

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY

• Me and hubby washed the doggies (they look so pretty)
• Bought security cameras for the house
• I did my hair at the salon… (will post a picture, I use to be blond and bob… now wait and see)
• I went for my injection at the hospital bright and early
• Had a stunning breakfast with hubby
• Did washing, and cleaned the house a bit – seeing that we spend our Saturday with friends watching the Rugby
• Had a craving for Biltong, and so I had to get some
• Watched a bit of television before going to bed

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO

• I so whish I could just become pregnant
• Do either professional dancing or something
• Overcome my fear of needles so I can just do my own injections
• Have time off whenever it’s needed
• I wish I could do decoupage (but I’m not very patient with it)
• Go ice-skating (but I can’t at this moment)
• I wish I could do more reading
• Making handmade cards with own handmade papers

8 SHOWS I WATCH

• Sewende laan
• House
• Grays anatomy
• Days of our lives
• Touched by an angel
• Ugly Betty
• Supernatural
• Medium

8 FAVOROUTE FRUITS

• Cherries
• Strawberries
• Bananas
• Watermelon
• Grapefruit
• Melon
• Grapes
• Kiwi

8 PLACES I’D LIKE TO TRAVEL

• Italy
• Swaziland
• Holland
• Switzerland
• Egypt
• Brazil
• Australia
• Bangkok

8 PLACES I’VE LIVED
Mmm, this is a tricky one, all in SA though

• Carolina
• Homelake
• Eikpark
• Krugersdorp
• Roodepoort
• Ermelo
• Greenhills
• Welkom

8 FOLKS I’M TAGGING
I know that not everyone get the time to do this, or have done this before, here’s my list
Baby Manatee

• He restoreth my soul.
• In Due Time
• Infertile Myrtle
• Infertility Rocks!
• Journey of Faith - a path to motherhood
• Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Pampers
• With God, All Things are Possible!

AND I HOPE YOU’LL BE ABLE TO DO THIS!
Tag you’re it!

FUN IN THE SUN

They say that a break does one wonders, and I now believe it’s true. We officially took some time of from 24 April – 3 May 2009, to spend Fishing and camping trip with my hubby and his sister and brother with their families. Now the preparation didn’t really go as well as I planned for, seeing that I’m a firm believer in planning everything to the “T” but it all worked out wonderfully. My and SIL went through on Friday 24 April, and off cause as you know me, we got lost, but hey I did set the GPS to the coordinates we received, and by the time we reached our destination we were standing between rows and rows of corn farms. Eventually we had to turn around and head all the way back. So we reached the right destination this time, and with all the stuff we had to take through my poor little car was packed, and SIL had to keep the eggs on her lap to prevent them from crushing… look as this

Anyway we started unpacking and setting up our camp for the 9 days we will be spending there. So on Saturday our other SIL and BIL arrived with the kiddies, and they had to start setting up their camp, which turned out not to bad, but unfortunately because it was our first time at this spot, we got 2 stand opposite one another in stead of next to one another which resulted in a little space for everyone to catch and release their fish… So here is how the camps looked like Camp one (not close to the water)

Camp 2 (on the water)

So after everyone set up everything, the challenge started. Off cause the women had to be in a team against the men, to see who catches the most fish… and YA, we will not elaborate on the winnings but hey, even the children had their own competition going, and between the lot of us we caught and released 120 fish. Not bad hey… Here are some pictures of our catch

Then we also had some danger (A not so welcome visitor)

And lastly some pictures of the resort

And off cause, all good things come to and end…

Show Time!

Hey there, long time no write… So here another month is at its end, and more exiting stuff awaits us. The Randfontein show started on Wednesday and the programme is very exiting. Well most of the time we only go on Saturday which normally is very entertaining, live shows and more. I have to be honest I love the show, and I think the added benefit is the fact that I am able to see old school buddies, some of them I only get to see once a year and that is at the show. Last year was great fun, so lets’ just see what is in store for us!

Birthday Planning

What a week I had last week…. Well the week started off being a very quiet week, and then a sudden turn on it on Tuesday when I received a call from my sister in law, asking that we need to plan her sons’ 6th birthday party for Saturday. Let me tell you, you have never seen a party unfold as quickly as this one. In 2 days we arranged everything and were able to send out the invitations and obtain the RSVP’s… Well the little one chose to have the new Ben 10 character as the main theme for his party, now let me tell you, never try to obtain anything for a new Character in SA within 3 days. Everywhere you shop you need to at least have 28 or 7 shipping days, now only having about 4 this is really not the way to go. On Thursday we were travelling all over the show, phoning, asking, and searching for Ben 10… I think in between all these searches I actually had nightmares of Ben 10 and his 10 little alien friends. Anyway, eventually after a whole day of search we managed to obtain some stuff with Ben 10, and were able to make a few party packs for his pre-school mates… seeing that his birthday was actually on Friday. We thought that it’ll actually be nice to send something over to the school. We managed to make him a few party packs, had cup cakes made with the Ben 10 character which came out lovely, and off we went on Friday morning to deliver this at school. Now all the planning had to go into Saturday, as he had a couple of mates over, well mostly cousins, and 2 other friends. We also made them a couple of party pack, had a bigger cake made with Ben 10 and his alien friends, had a slip and slide etc… Upon arriving at the venue on Saturday morning, we had to decorate the spot, and made sure we have the slip and slide at the most exiting spot. As we were still blowing up the balloons some of the guest already started to arrive, but hey we were fast. After we were done, we started to entertain the children, and I suppose there were no child who didn’t enjoy the event. After most of the children put on dry clothing and become all worn out, the adults hit the slip and slide, and what fun we had... of cause none of us thought about the consequences the next day…

True Friends!

So many times, we sit and wonder why our road crosses with someone else’s. Today I know that I am truly blessed. One tend to forget that there are truly people out there who cares about you, even though you don’t see one another or speak to one anther very often. I truly have a special friend. We met one another through the company that we work for. We landed up at the same site as project managers. At times we felt like killing one another as we had different frustrations and view points, and at best of times we were there to support one another through very difficult times. I truly learned a lot from this person. We got moved to the same site again, after the previous assignment, but moved on to another site shortly after our move... I will always cherish the times that we had worked together. Yesterday 15 May 2008, was the crappiest day of my life. I had project issues piling up, screaming people, and hours of meetings and late night work and I truly didn’t feel up to everything. I just had it. Got to my desk, and there were a note from someone that I am not familiar with, saying that he wants to come and see me... I responded on the note... knowing that I don’t feel up to it... so I asked why? Eventually I phoned and asked why? He said, I need to bring you something... OOO! Came my response, so he brought me a little rose gift bag with a golden ribbon wrapped card... I got so excited I don’t even know whether I thanked him, started opening this gift, and to my surprise I got a Pixie. Now if you know me, you’ll all know that I collect pixies, and this is truly a stunning pair of pixies, a granny and oupa pixie, they are so sweet... I love it.... I love it... anyway, after opening the pixies I quickly turned to the card and started reading a wonderful message. A message of a guardian Angel... This really touched me in so many ways; I think I’ll never be able to express it all in words... Sabiena, you are truly an amazing friend. Thank you for all your encouragement, through better and worst times. I couldn’t have asked for a better caring person. Thank you very much for the gift, as you know, it really did brighten my day.

Smile

Every Little Smile can touch Somebody's heart May U find hundreds of reasons to smile today and

May U be the reason for someone else to smile always! Have a very good day !!!

Quick weekend note

Another weekend has gone by, and so we’re back at work. Monday, comes with all its beauty and I don’t feel up to anything today. My cousins little boy turned 2 yesterday, and they had a braai for his birthday. This turned out to be great fun. I haven’t seen all my family in a while, and this was really a time for us to get together like families should. The weather didn’t really work for us, as it started raining, but everything still turned out nice. We had such a great day, that we only left their place about 9 Last night. On our way home, there was a huge vehicle accident at one of the intersections, which had the cars backed-up for hours. Pieter got out of the car to find out how long we will still be stuck, to which we got the answer of another 2 hours, by that time, it was already 10:45. Anyway, we made a u-turn and went another route. Thank you GPS, you saved us once again. Cause without that little gadget we would have been lost, or would have had to sit in the pileup. So after our little detour, we got home about 12:46 this morning. Got into bed, and slept for a couple of hours. The clock was set for 4:30 this morning and eventually when it went of, it really didn’t feel as if I had any sleep, but once again life goes on. I just had to get up, get dressed and get to work. So another day at work started, and I feel sick, tired and really exhausted, but I suppose a good nights rest will resolve the issue. So tonight I’ll be in bed bright and early.

Truth

Good morning all you wonderful people… What a day, I’m so glad the rainy weather is gone; it really makes me feel all chirpy again… Anyway, I went to see the doctor last night. Just couldn’t wait anymore. I really stressed about the results, and as you know a whole lot of negative thoughts clutters your brain, but not everything is bad. Well let me give you the update for NOW. For NOW, the blood test is positive. Which means…? Yes… Yes… I’ll be a mommy soon, but… aaaa doesn’t the “but” just de-motivates you… but the test that they have done regarding the ovulation, shows that I’m not ovulating. I know exactly what question pops up in your mind, how could I be pregnant if I don’t ovulate, and why didn’t the lab pick it up… Well doctor got all the previous results of all the blood test that has been done, and we have never done an ovulation test. So no one has ever testing whether I ovulate or not, and now the test shows that I’m not, but the pregnancy test also shows that I’m pregnant. I will have to go back for another blood test to see whether I am officially pregnant within 2 weeks, as they will then be able to confirm. If I am not pregnant, doctor will put me on some meds to sort out the ovulation thing and we will then wait and see what happens. If I am, I’ll let you know, but for now, it’s another 2 week wait. Have a supper day, and enjoy your Easter… If you are going away for Easter, drive safely, and for those who will spend time at home hope you have a wonderful time. And Enjoy the valuable time you have with your loved once…

Sick as a dog

Hi, hi… Well today is not one of my best days, nor was yesterday… the weekend was fun though. We went over to a old school friend of mine for a braai, and had a wonderful time. Saturday was the wedding… the bride looked wonderful, as every bride looks; when they start to walk down the isle you get this huge lump in your throat. Anyway, the evening was also very special, and they really made a lot of effort to let there guest feel at home. At about 2 the morning, everyone crashed in the guesthouse we were sleeping at, and guess what… I got very little sleep. Sunday started of well, we returned from the wedding, very drowsy as we didn’t have a lot of sleep, got home and had to entertain my friend and her family, as well as my family in law. We made a potjie, which turned out to be a very pleasurable day. We jumped into the swimming pool boots and all, and those who didn’t just got thrown in. So Monday came, got up very nauseous. Had a bit of coffee, which weren’t one of the greatest ideas. I got to work, tried some breakfast, which didn’t work well with the tummy, and just left the food thing for someone who can appreciate it. And so Tuesday arrived in all its glory… a super nice day, with a bit of rain, but Stefanie is still not feeling well. I still can’t keep food down, and coffee makes me feel even worse. The only thing that upsets me the most is that once you feel like this everyone’s got their own little opinion, and as you would guess, ya everyone would say your pregnant. Thought about it though, went home last night and actually did a home test, which came out with a HUGE dark negative line, so I guess its suppose to be something else. Something in the air, something I ate or drank, who knows? I just feel crappy.

Confused message

Have you ever had one of those days, where you want to cry, laugh and speak at the same time…? Well today is one of those days for me… I want to be happy, I need to laugh, but at the same time I want to cry my eyes out. I feel sad, sad about how things are turning out in my life. I need to speak, speak to anyone who wants to listen, but I just can’t find the words to tell them what’s going on… I need someone close, someone who understands… Who understand ME! Dr phoned me for the second time in a week, they urgently need to see me regarding all my tests. My heart is skipping a beat, my mouth feels dry, and my body is in shock… What is out there… what is awaiting me? Emotionally I don’t always think that I am up to more heartache, I can’t deal with more disappointment… I can’t deal with any more fights, worries or disappointments’. But I guess that’s life... On a bit lighter note, I feel exited… I got a new offer which means soon I’ll be working somewhere else, and this could release some of the frustration and tension I need to put up with. I have also found myself again… I actually realised that I’m not old yet, and that life has actually a lot in store for me, and that you just have to keep your head high, because there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s strange how your priorities could become all skew when you have your mind set on only one thing. Well I believe that I have set my priorities straight again... I’ll live as if today is my last day, and enjoy every moment, and let these moments take my breath away. Love as if I have loved and gotten hurt before, and most of all I’ll keep my friend close, and my enemies so much closer… Have fun!

A message by George Carlin

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. A Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Have a stunning day!

Show time emotions

Hey its Randfontein show time… this is really a time for me to spend some quality time with my family and friends. My cousin and his wife was here again, they came through from Secunda on Friday morning… well let me tell you, emotions ran high again. She’s officially also not pregnant as mentioned in a previous message. Even though she was telling everyone that they are planning and that it has to happen as she longs for another child. Anyway, they came through like I said on Friday… Friday was a very quite day. My sister-in-law and I were on our way searching for some spinning gear, as we started exercising… We had a lekker braai for the evening which was great… Saturday… Ya Saturday was show time… lots of stalls, lots of entertainment, rugby and of cause the Beer tent. We had such a ball, myself and my cousin danced on the rugby felt… mmm a shark with a bull… well the comments was flowing because a shark danced with a bull, but who cares, it was fun, everyone that passed us had something to say about either the sharks or bulls. Then we landed up in the beer tent, where they had a DJ for the day… my cousin and I was dancing in the front every now and then… We had a young group of people who were giving my poor cousin some snotty comments because they thought he was gay, but all in all we had loads of fun. There was even a not so straight guy who was chasing me around the tent because he wanted to dance… Have you ever seen someone run faster and longer than Forrest Gump…? Well if not, you should have seen Stefanie run… For the evening we had to continue the great fun for which we went out to bundu-inn, and danced some more, which turned out to be an evening of fights and unnecessary jealousy. Sometimes I wonder why people turn out to be so possessive; I always believed that jealousy is a vicious illness, and some ladies use their children to ensure that they either stay married or just to get back at their husbands. I just can’t believe that some ladies will actually use a poor child for their own gain. This really upsets me terribly. Enough of that because I will just loose myself in such a discussion, anyway the evening out really did me wonders, I felt myself, something I really didn’t feel for a very long time. Between all the struggles wit IF I lost myself in the spinning world of IF… which I know is not such a great space to be in, but for some reason I just could get myself out of the slump of not being on the motherhood side. We got home eventually about 3 Sunday morning, and decided to have a braai, while my poor cousin was struggling to rub a pulling mussel out my calf, which didn’t seem to work. Even though he managed to relieve some pain, the morning when I got up, it was still pulling… but such is life. Anyway, Sunday was a very quiet day. All the people left early morning, and hubby and his brother went over to my in-laws to work on the “bakkie”… then we went out for supper, and we were able to spend quality time as a family, and regain our strength for the week… all in all we had about 6 hours of sleep for the weekend, and had to regain strength somehow. I have to say, I feel tired and torn down, but on the other hand, I also feel healthy and positive about my life… I seem to have had a great weekend, and found myself again. So, on a positive note I can end this message and say… GIRLS Stefanie is back!

Stressed and over worked

I truly feel worn; I went for a interview today, which was great fun. Even though I feel so over-worked I managed to look at this interview in a positive light. It was one of those funny interviews where one already have the feeling that you have the position, and that it’s merely formality. This made me feel confident again. Confident in what I am worth in the industry, and confident that life is actually not so bad. Work is wearing me out and the hours and stress I have to put up with is just becoming too much, and then I’m not even talking about JHB traffic, which turns out to be a nightmare for me. Getting up in the morning much earlier to get to work, sitting in the traffic, and then get to work… work the day… get back in the car, sit in traffic, get home late and then still stress about my IF problems is just getting to me… Anyway, some lady here at work thought it will be a great idea to spend some time in my office, wanting to get to know her co-worker… which was not such a pleasant discussion. I think I just feel somewhat touchy. A guy stepped into my office and they were talking about the fact that they don’t really manage to get out a lot because of their obligation towards their children, so she asked how old mine were… I wish I could have given her an age, but unfortunately life just doesn’t have it planned for me yet. So you all know how that makes you feel, and she went on and on about her 2 children, how wonderful they are, how she gave birth, how easy it was to get pregnant, how easy she got pregnant with the second child. How wonderful motherhood is, and, and, and… So I feel crappy, I feel that life has let me down, that female-hood has let me down! I just start to wonder all over again why it is that people who don’t want children have then so easily, that children have children so unplanned and that people like me who desperately want a child in my life, are faced with a problem such as IF. Man life could be so unfair.

Weekend blues

Another week has gone by. This weekend was one of those existing but yet tiring. We had my step cousin and his wife over for the weekend, and being the 1st weekend that we have really spend with them away from the rest of the family, we really had the time to get to know them. They have a little boy, very stunning little boy. Then only thing is that going through everything in my life, I found it difficult as his wife was talking about her thinking that she might be pregnant. Yet another little bundle of joy might be added to their family, and I just can’t seem to make it happen. While she was talking of how she felt every morning… how she feels about the 2nd one that might be added and over and above that, my aunts’ brother got married in November and they are also pregnant. About 8 weeks now. All this makes me want to jump up and down, and throw one big tantrum. I just can’t seem to handle it anymore. Why is it that some of us have to go through so much in life to have a baby and for others it just happen. I know that my aunts’ brother mentioned on their wedding that they wanted a honeymoon baby, and in a blink of an eye, there it just happened. Man it feels like I want to pull my hair out. Over and above it all my cousins wife is very ecstatic about herself that might be pregnant, and that was basically all I heard all weekend. I know I have to be happy for them, and believe me I am happy for both. I am happy for the fact that they don’t have to go through what we are, but these ladies has got no idea how difficult it is for someone like me to hear this all weekend long, nor do they have any idea how it makes one feel to hear how easy it was for them, and here you are battling for as long as what you can remember. I just need to snap out of it today, life goes on, and time doesn’t stand still for anyone. So forgive me for the moan and groan, but I just had to vent somewhere.