A BIT OF EVERYTHING

O wow, our leave was great. I really felt so refreshed when I returned. You can't believe what a wonderful time myself and hubby had and that we managed to have a very pleasant and relaxing time together.

and then....

we both had to return to work, and both of us are stressed out again.

but a number of things changed for me as well. I have been telling you all about this very exciting thing that I didn't want to jinx, well I might have. I was desperate to move on from where I currently work, I have tried to cope with what I had to go through, but I think mentally I just wasn't at the right place. So I went for a couple of interviews, but I don't think that my heart and mind wanted the same thing...

anyway, I just think that my brain told me that it was the right thing to do, but I realized that I'm happy where I am, I really love my job, I love all *some* of the people I work with and that I am wanting to leave because of decisions that I believe was wrongly made. Well I still think so but who cares what I think.

So just before I left, we received a notification advising us that we have been assigned a coach. I initially didn't feel so pleased with this, but realized what an amazing coach I got, and how I will be able to learn so much from my coach. So after I returned I spend a couple of sessions with my coach and WOW, I really think that I am at a much better space, I really value my coach so much. I managed to learn in a very small period that things *IS WHAT IT IS* You can't change it, but you can sure as hell change your attitude about things, and I am trying, and let me tell you IT'S WORKING. Stuff I really wanted to happen in my life, which I so desperately wanted for so long on a career level, suddenly doors are opening, don't know if everything will work out the way I hope, but yet again *IT WILL BE WHAT IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE*  but please hold thumbs, and hopefully I will be able to share a very exciting post one day telling you all about my Job or something great that happened.

So anyway - my birthday is one of these days, and my anniversary! I just can't believe that time has gone so fast. I will be married 13 Years this year on December 5, and turn 32. I'm very excited about it! I just can't wait for all my presents and all the love that is shared on birthdays and anniversaries, but then on the other hand I can't wait for the Festive season either. I am like a child during this time of the year, maybe because it starts so early for me with my birthday, and hey - i don't just want one gifts for all 3 the occasions I want plenty from hubby *smile*

Hope you all will have a break during the festive season, and that you will be spending time with family and friends... unfortunately I will be working...

• Will you be creating menus?
• Will you be cooking?
• What will you be preparing for the festive season?
• What's your plans for the festive season?

Hope to hear from you soon

SOME USELESS INFO

I have promised so many people that I will post some photos of my Dubai business trip, but have not yet been able to do so.

So what better time than now….

Arriving at the airport

this was the Hotel we were booked in

the stunning musical fountains

Just a bit of splashing around, before going back to the Hotel

Our wonderful desert trip, hey but this was fun. this was still early in the afternoon we started at around 3 and went home at about 9, after having a nice braai and entertainment

all of us obviously went for Henna

this was the reception of one of the hotels we went to for brunch on the Saturday

and off cause, in the hottest desert they have to have snow!

The view from the one end of the shopping center or shall I say, one of the many shopping centers

and upon arrival, our first Lunch together... SALAD! 

HAVE YOU EVER?

1. Have you ever regretted making a decision?
2. Have you ever felt that a decision has impacted your life negatively?
3. Have you ever felt alone?

Well that’s exactly how I feel

So here is my story… and I stick to it :-)

So here’s explaining the “making a bad decision part” about a year ago I was confronted with a opportunity to work permanently at my company, and I had to leave the contracting house I was working for permanently I really enjoyed working for the contracting house however being a contractor you really didn’t have a lot of stability and contracts and areas kept on changing and I was working away from home at times which impacted the family planning part of our lives. The interview was great okay the 3 interviews I had… It really sounded like a stable environment and an environment where I could grow it sounded like this was a well establish area and that there were lots of opportunities for me. It sounded like a place where I could be myself and enjoy my work as I love what I do and would never want to change my profession so I took the opportunity to come work permanently at my company. I resigned from the contracting house even though I was really enjoying the work there! My first couple of projects in the new company was great and especially the first one and I had a great opportunity to proof what I’m worth, but then it all started….

Now let me explain the “Regretting making a decision” part

My boss is the type of person who prefers to tell the entire team stuff as the team needs to understand where one is emotionally and personally. So I had to explain all the fertility treatment stuff with my boss and my colleagues in order for them to understand when I pop out the office for tests or for treatment and for them to understand when you go through anything emotionally (not that I think some people even care about all these things, and I still think that some people are uncomfortable with me sharing all this). I really didn’t want to share all the struggles with infertility because I feel that this is personal, it’s something I need to deal with and only our closes friends and family really know about our struggle but eventually I had to share this in order for me to get time off to go for appointments, test and all those things, it all worked out kind of okay.! The team knew where I went and they really didn’t ask a lot of questions and when I left they had no issues with me leaving earlier or coming in later. Now a year later I find it more and more difficult to make any type of appointment as work time always has to come first, you see there is no employment act that states that you are allowed time off for these type of treatments and it really depends on you boss and the company. So you’re not allowed to just take time for appointment at the clinic, and when I now have to go for any type of treatment I need to do this between the opening hours and 12PM as the appointment are only scheduled in the mornings till 12. So I’m kind off in a catch 22. I can’t get time off and when I do ask I have to answer a lot of questions which makes me uncomfortable, and in some cases when I try and put in leave my leave is rejected because of the projects that I work on and deliverables that is coming up. So this kind off make me regret making the decision to move when I had all the opportunity with my previous employer. (Please just note that I by no means say my employer is bad it’s a great company to work for it’s just that infertility and time off kind off suck at this present moment)

Now let me explain the “Have you ever felt that a decision has impacted your life negatively”

You see for some reason I always end up being hurt some time. It’s actually such a long story but I’ll try and explain this briefly. There are times that people actually don’t care when children are part of adult conversations, or there’s times that you actually don’t notice them, but when children is part of these conversations they actually do listen, whether they understand what is being discussed or not… believe me they listen, and when they hear I always thought that they will not discuss this or bring this up because they were not suppose to listen or that they didn’t understand what was said… but O boy was I so wrong! We have wonderful friends; friends we got to know and grew very close to over the last couple of years, almost 4 years to be exact. They have lovely children and I really love being with them and I really love their children. They have always been there for us and their children have spent a bit of time over by us as well. I would really not want to loose them as friends, but on Friday nigh I got a wake up call again, and to be honest it was hurtful, so much that I had to cry myself to sleep. On Friday night we quickly went over to our friends’ house as hubby felt like having a drink with our friend and I was spending some time between the children. It was really very relaxing to just sit there and watch TV with the kiddies, but then one of the children mentioned that I don’t have children and that I wouldn’t have (I don’t want to explain the whole conversation), but it HIT HOME… IT HIT DEEP. And I would have never expected it to touch me so much but it did, and me and hubby ended up (after we left) fighting over the fact that I hardly have any time or that I hardly make any time to sort myself out and to carry on planning for our future and for our child. So now I know that I have negatively impacted my live by the choice I made to move from the contracting house even hubby feels the brunt of my decision. I made the decision to move, I knew that I had fertility issues and I knew that we had to do treatments and my decision has officially impacted that and hubby is just getting more and more frustrated. It’s because of my choice to have more stability in my life and now I just regret this decision as this officially negatively impact my life and it’s terrible

Now lastly let me explain the “I feel alone part”

After we left our friends house, I felt very crappy, I really felt so emotional (and like I said I don’t really understand why but the comment hit home) and I was chatting to hubby about it to kind off vent. I really had to get this out of my system. I really felt hurt, but hubby just added to this whole thing and it turned out to be a big fight. I suppose it’s because he never really talk about the infertility. He carries on as if we have a normal life without any issues, and then at times he has his little explosions and Friday night was one. After his little explosion I kind of felt as if I keep him back in life, I feel that he could have had a full life with children which he always have wanted, but instead, he is stuck with me… - Okay here’s some self pity I know – he is stuck with someone who can’t seem to get it right to give him children, whose body has always let them down and I can see what that is doing to him and it hurts me. I have mentioned time and time again that if he feels that it is time for him to move on to be happy with children that he should. I’m sure I’ll manage on my own I’m sure I’ll survive and I’m very sure that God will someday bless me with a child. I keep hoping, I keep praying and I keep wishing.

With this I end off the post for today, and I thought I’ll leave you all with a small message to break the depressing mood of this post. Forgive me for venting on my blog today, but I really needed to vent and I knew that my blog will be a safe place for me to vent and be supported by my Blog friends!

Only You

A person can make you feel high,

A person can make you feel low.

But only you can decide,

Which way you want to go.

A person can hurt you mentally,

A person can hurt you physically.

But only you can place,

A limit on your abilities.

A person can cause drama,

A person can cause a situation.

But only you can create,

Your own reputation

A person can make you laugh,

A person can make you cry.

But only you can make,

Decisions for your life.

So

Don't live by what people do,

But live by what you know is true.

CONFUSSED!

Good morning all you wonderful people. I hope that you enjoyed your weekend as much as what I did.

So this weekend was filled with lots of good times, fun, laughter and shooting…. Shooting yes you’re reading right.

Anyway, Friday night was not that full of excitement as once again I got home with a terrible headache, it was once again one of those days where poor hubby had to spend hours trying to massage and get the headache away. He is really getting irritated with this whole thing, and have mentioned a couple of times in a couple of days that I have to go to see a doctor, but then when I tried for leave this morning I got told that I can’t take. So I’m not to sure when I will be able to go to the doctor. I sometimes wonder why it’s okay for some people to be off and some people to have that freedom but others don’t.

Then Saturday was the Bundu Expo – it wasn’t as great as all the other years. I was kind off disappointed. They had very little stalls in comparison to last year, very little fishing stuff and lots of clothes, biltong, and those kind of things. Hubby really couldn’t get what he wanted, but we still managed to enjoy the day. He bought a couple of small things for himself which he will be trying out soon, so hopefully it wasn’t all that bad of an experience for him either. The one thing we managed to enjoy the most – which we normally don’t do was the rides. There were 2 rides which we went on. Sunette and I went on first and begged the men to go on as well, but they were so skeptical. Then we went a second time, and we convinced the two men to go on. So they went and me and Sunette were standing there at the bottom and had a good laugh at them while they were on this ride… it was so funny to see the two of them rattled.

The Sunday (yesterday) was our friends’ birthday – and we went over for a braai. We also had an opportunity to shoot with a crossbow a bit, and let me tell you it was great fun. Something I couldn’t seem to get right was to shoot with the air riffle but I managed very well with the crossbow. I am so proud of myself as I really managed to shoot a bull.

Okay then on a more personal note and what I mean with personal is more on the fertility side of things.

I have been so good at tracking all my cycles either via my blog, my outlook calendar, my calendar on my cell phone, in a grid on my bedside table to do temping or even in my diary. I have never missed on cycle, well never missed it till now. So normally when the spotting start I make a note in my calendar to say that spotting started and then for CD1 I obviously write down CD1, but I suppose with everything going on at work and stuff that this had just slipped my mind. I made a little note on 4 July saying that there were brown spotting, but I never made a note to indicate on which day CD1 started. Normally the Spotting day also turns into the first cycle day, but there are also times that this doesn’t happen and that the spotting and first cycle day is a couple of days apart. Well counting from the 4th of July where I indicated the spotting started it means that I’m on CD 30 today, and this has only ever happened once before where a cycle goes to 30 days or more. Okay hang on there were one other time as well where I had a 40 day cycle but it was really way back in the day and it was all related to stress and normally my cycle are between 26 – 28 days or sometimes like in June I only had like a 22 day cycle, but then I marked the 10th of July with a little mark across and I’m not sure what I wanted to indicate on that day but I never wrote anything next to that day. For some reason I marked it but why? And if that was to indicate the start of the cycle I never wrote it down, but if that was the start I should be sitting on day 24 of my cycle, I’m now really confused I’m not sure if I’m late and if I’m late because of all the tension at work, or if I’m not late and the 10th was the actual start and that I’ve just forgotten to mark it. I’m also to scared to test cause in the back of my mind I assume it will be a negative (cause how can I fall pregnant if I didn’t go through treatment) but I also think that I should do the POAS (Pee on a stick) thing because I’m taking tablets for my headaches and I don’t want to spoil to only chance I have of possibly being pregnant (and I keep wishing for that but trying not to get my hopes up).

So I’m really in a catch 22 situation. If I test and it’s negative (at least I’ll know and I can stop stressing that I could potentially be pregnant and I know I will kind of still be upset because it is negative) and I don’t have to worry every time I need to take something for my headache. Or I test and it’s positive and I know I need to get to a doctor soon (and that will be a miracle). So what to do… do I or do I not? Do I POAS or do I wait till Wednesday which will be day 26 or Friday which will be cycle day 28 if I indicated CD1 with the little mark under the 10th of July or do I wait because Friday will be cycle day 34 if the spotting day on the 4th indicated CD1… Argh I’m going to drive myself nuts! What should I do?

So that was the weekend and my update on this wonderful cycle of mine and I’m back at work, and feeling stressed already, but we will just have to hang in there!

Hope you have a good week everyone! And please give me your thoughts I will appreciate it?

I HOPE, I PRAY, I BELIEVE!

This week has been the most hectic week ever.

I really didn’t enjoy this week that much, as work was piling on my desk, responsibilities became more and then off cause my little old moods because of all the lovely meds and injections. My bum hurts of the Gestone injections and I really feel like I’m burning up because of the HOT flushes

Anyway, there I was on Wednesday morning standing in the garden at work minding my own business and chatting to a lady that works with me, I explained how the meds were making me feel and overall the emotional rollercoaster that I’m on. So this other lady obviously eavesdropping turned around and said: There is a stunning Dr in Pretoria who will sort you out 1.2.3… It’s a Chinese doctor and he specialized in everything, from stress to infertility. Obviously I responded with the fact that I already have a Dr and that I feel very comfortable with this Dr, so then she continued: Why is it that people who is infertile always pray and ask for their baby, why don’t you just go on your knees and start saying thank you. Thank him for the baby his given you. Maybe if you start believing your not infertile and that you are in fact pregnant maybe you’ll have the satisfaction of a baby.

Now that was it…. I was so close at snapping her. I really felt like exploding and screaming at her (which I didn’t do but really wanted to) how the hell will she know. She has never gone through infertility and when she carried her second son, she really tried everything in the book to loose the baby. She drank, she smoked etc, but at the end the baby was born and is now about 6 months.

So anyway, I had to collect my thoughts and emotions and really had to focus on just smiling and then turned and walked back in to the building ignoring basically everything.

Okay so after this whole thing, I felt a bit depressed and just had to get done with the day.

Then this morning….

Early up and off I went for my injection – you will not believe I still can’t do the injections myself. Anyway while I was there I also had blood drawn as I have a progesterone test due today. So I believe, pray and Hope that the progesterone levels are 100% fine. Please, please, please I really need them to be okay. I really need to know if I can get a positive. Do you know how it feels if you have never experienced a positive. Okay except 1 when I was very much younger… I don’t even know if we can have a positive. Man I really hate this feeling and the fact that I doubt in us, so I need to try and stay focused, pray, believe and hope that this will be our cycle

Update on Scan

Okay, so I went for my CD12 Scan yesterday, and was really very optimistic about it. I have had so many cramps with the injections and meds that I really thought everything in there was going hunky dory!

Anyway, I rediscovered my blood group which I have totally forgotten what group I was (hey but now I know) and the rest of the blood works came back pretty good except for my Sugar levels and Progesterone levels. So this really made me feel down again. Dr have prescribed Glucophage for me and I started using the tablets at night for the first week and then one in the morning and one at night for the next 6 months. So we'll have to see how on earth I’m going to cope with that, as it really makes you run to the loo very very very often.

Over and above this, I got new Fertomid tablets and more Gonal F... Why you'd ask, and the only answer I want to give is my bloody body again, but to put it nicely: My body has once again been on the slow side on CD 12 I have only 2 follicles which are almost there one on the left is 13.5mm and the one on the right is 14.5mm. So another scan has been scheduled for Wednesday to see how the follicles have progressed.

Wish me luck girls... and please please please keep me in your thoughts as I really need thoughts and prayers this cycle! Feeling a bit on the down side

On the working front:

Well we start with our official Night classes today, and believe me when I tell you I doubt if I’m going to make these 3 months. Every Monday we'll be going off at 15:00 as the traffic towards that area is very hectic and the classes start at 5, and I’ll only get home at 23:00 tonight. Luckily hubby will be able to look after himself, and I'll grab something to eat on my way there.

So that's my very quick update... enjoy this week

A LITTLE NOTE FROM ME

Hi there you all, Apologies for not being able to write anything these days. Like some of you would know, I have changed jobs recently, and from that move I landed up in a major project which takes up all of my free time at work as well as home free time, but I'm not complaining as I truly enjoy the job that I have now... I will try and make some time during the week to post something decent. Enjoy the week ahead

Messy Business

So as you might know by now, I went on my business trip to Secunda yesterday, and things just didn't work out the way they planned. So I'm back in Johannesburg in the office today doing some prep work, and will be going again tomorrow morning, up and down and up and down... one can't believe how tiring the trips are. Really not the best way to start or end a week, but I just have to see it through. like I said, I will leave again tomorrow morning and then return on Friday, spend the weekend at home with hubby and leave again early Monday morning.... 

The insemination went very well, and I really feel on top of the world, I go for the injections every morning and am very committed like I should be. Hubby even accompany me on my visit at the hospital for the injections in the mornings, which is great, at least I see he is also committed. He also started using the stamino-grow and sperm aid again (I suppose he's sceptic of what might happen with the fact that the sperm mobility and quality is decreasing), but he's at least willing and dedicated.\

We had a stunning weekend, and we were so excited about the Blue bulls winning... and just have to make arrangements again to watch them in action this weekend... but I suppose we have to wait and see what happens

THOUGHTS OR VENTING YOU CHOOSE!

What happened to me after these last couple of years? I have always been such a happy go lucky person but these days I battle to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm fighting a loosing battle in terms of finding my siblings and everywhere I turn on this no door opens but is closes. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I have done to deserve not meeting the little family I have. Yes I'm happy with what I have in life, but I still have this empty little peace which longs for the unknown people, called brothers and sister. The law prohibit so many things which makes it truly difficult to track them, over and above, I really thought by now, that my younger brother (who I happened to find through the registrar of adoptions, who's parents didn't want us to meet) that his adopted mother could have made it happen by now, but NOTHING... Sometimes I wonder why this all had to happen, and why, why, why was it suppose to happen to me. Why is it that I had to know about them, and they not of me? Will life give me the opportunity to meet them? My youngest brothers’ birthday was on Saturday the 9th of May and I just couldn't stop thinking about him. Then of cause it’s this curse of IF. Darn I just can't believe it all. I'm married 10 years... And nothing. No new addition to the family of 2. AF started on Sunday so I suppose another cycle awaits me. Tried to call the Dr's offices yesterday but something was wrong with their lines so I have to try again today. Then on the work front... Ya I’m finishing off. My last day is now Friday (15 May 2009). I actually can't believe I'm moving on. I’m glad for the new opportunity, but on the other hand I need to settle down, find something stable, and not something where I need to move around like this. I know its great exposure, but it's not as nice to not know where you will be the next day. I love the company I work for, they have truly looked after me, and there is no bad thing I will ever be able to say about them, as they care about their people, but sometimes it's difficult. Anyway, I think, pray and hope that things work out for me the way it should, and with that I need to say till later... Enjoy your day!

SCAN UPDATES!

I thought I’ll be able to blog today and tell you lots and lots of stuff, but unfortunately this is just another little snapshot of days of my life. So Tuesday 14 April 2009, was another day at the doctors offices for another scan to see how ovulation and my follies are progressing. Another huge disappointment as they are so small it just really sucks. Anyway, so there I had to swallow another lot of Estrofem and Clomid for a couple of days and I had to go back yesterday (Sunday 19 April). Hubby went with yesterday morning which was nice for a change, seeing that he can’t always make it. So we had to get up fairly early to travel to the doctors offices which is about 45min drive from our home. Got there and eventually saw doctor at 9am. Another scan was done, and we now managed to determine after all these years that my follies are only growing approximately 1mm in 2days, can you believe it… I just can’t believe my body is letting me down. So there is a little planning coming up, and we have an appointment on Wednesday morning which will determine how many active/life sperm is available in my mucus, depending on the testing and the results, we will be able to do inseminate on Thursday morning. In a way I feel exited and can’t wait for Thursday, but on the other hand I know I have to be optimistic but also sceptic. I suppose we will have to wait and see…. On the work front, my contract is ending at the company I currently work for, which means I will be moving very shortly. Scary, exciting and very stressful…! The wait to see where I’ll be going to is also killing me, I hate the long waits, I don’t like the interviews and I really don’t like the fact that I don’t have control over it, but at least before the interviews and stuff, hubby, me his brother and sister their children and spouses will be going to a campsite about an hours drive away from home. Hopefully this time will give me time to relax, and get focussed on all the tasks ahead. Get myself motivated again, and hopefully I’ll feel much, much, much more rest out than what I currently feel like. So ladies, I will hopefully be able to give you more details on Wednesday and Thursday…. And please, please, please keep me in your prayers and thoughts. Have a blessed week!

Administrator

Well I’ve seen a new administrator today, seeing that I had to work through a couple of Cv’s to find me a new administrator… now you would ask where the previous one is… and I don’t really want to elaborate to much about the subject but, all I can say is that some environments, stress, and people just can’t work together, so she decided to leave… anyway… I had to do everything on my own, and there were times that I felt that I’m never gonna see the end of the tunnel, or the little light shining at that end, will be one hell of a train… Ya well, at least I got through it, and interviewed a new candidate on 19 September 2008, which we did not take… and then again on today 23 September 2008, now this lady will be starting with me soon, thank you… thank you…! Time is of the essence, and I can’t wait for her to start, even though she will still have to settle in, and I know that they say that it takes approximately 3 – 6 months to settle in, it will definitely help a lot. Now we just have to wait and see whether she will take the offer, and when she will be starting….

True Friends!

So many times, we sit and wonder why our road crosses with someone else’s. Today I know that I am truly blessed. One tend to forget that there are truly people out there who cares about you, even though you don’t see one another or speak to one anther very often. I truly have a special friend. We met one another through the company that we work for. We landed up at the same site as project managers. At times we felt like killing one another as we had different frustrations and view points, and at best of times we were there to support one another through very difficult times. I truly learned a lot from this person. We got moved to the same site again, after the previous assignment, but moved on to another site shortly after our move... I will always cherish the times that we had worked together. Yesterday 15 May 2008, was the crappiest day of my life. I had project issues piling up, screaming people, and hours of meetings and late night work and I truly didn’t feel up to everything. I just had it. Got to my desk, and there were a note from someone that I am not familiar with, saying that he wants to come and see me... I responded on the note... knowing that I don’t feel up to it... so I asked why? Eventually I phoned and asked why? He said, I need to bring you something... OOO! Came my response, so he brought me a little rose gift bag with a golden ribbon wrapped card... I got so excited I don’t even know whether I thanked him, started opening this gift, and to my surprise I got a Pixie. Now if you know me, you’ll all know that I collect pixies, and this is truly a stunning pair of pixies, a granny and oupa pixie, they are so sweet... I love it.... I love it... anyway, after opening the pixies I quickly turned to the card and started reading a wonderful message. A message of a guardian Angel... This really touched me in so many ways; I think I’ll never be able to express it all in words... Sabiena, you are truly an amazing friend. Thank you for all your encouragement, through better and worst times. I couldn’t have asked for a better caring person. Thank you very much for the gift, as you know, it really did brighten my day.

A short note

Another weekend has flown by... It feels like I never had a weekend break away and here I am back at work. Luckily for me I’ll be off for a whole week next week, but first I have to get through this week and all its challenges. So this weekend was fun, we went to my sister in law for a braai on Friday night, which was nice for a change as it wasn’t at our home. Saturday was fun, Pieter agreed to go shopping with me, we went to look at new garden features for our home, I went and bought new spinning shoes, and we just enjoyed the day. Sunday was better though. We went to watch Theuns Jordaan perform, now normally I don’t listen to this type of music, but I have to be honest, that man… girls… “Hy mag maar”. I really enjoyed it, afterwards we went and bought a DVD and CD, waited for him to sign it, and I took a picture with him… Yes… a nice picture… Do you feel jealous yet? And then of cause tomorrow (22 April 2008) is my day out of the office. I’m going out on a business trip. I’m flying to Cape Town for the day. We will be leaving at 10 and will return at 17:10 tomorrow night. So I’ll only get back in Johannesburg at about 19:00. Now I feel sorry for myself, because… ya you guest it, I’ll only get home at about 21:00, but still, it aught to be fun. At least there is some things in life that could still make life interesting. I truly miss all of you. I haven’t been chatting on the forum for a while now, as I just couldn’t get myself to go and say anything. I miss your comments and I miss our chats… Keep well

Promised update on work offer and more

And so another week begins. I have promised you all an update on my work offer. Well here it goes. They say the grass is always greener on the other side, and it sure looks that way, but when you’re standing on a crossroad what makes you decide which road to take, there are about 4 different routes, and only one route that are meant for you… Well I got the most stunning offer from a telecommunications company. You see, a while ago I decided to put my curriculum vitae in the market, as I wanted a new challenge, and to my surprise this company has phoned me for an interview for a Project manager position. When I arrived for the interview it was the most comfortable interview I have had in my whole working career. I got there; we did the interview outside on their patio, overlooking the most stunning piece of earth I have seen in a very long time, anyway… I would be working at project manager in the business environment for about 4 months after which I will be moving over to their international projects… This is just amazing, what an excellent opportunity. I left there with the happiest feeling… I couldn’t have imagined that I will feel this way. I felt like a girl that got a new toy or something… and so I had to wait for the official contract / letter of appointment, and… So the day arrived when I received the letter, but… as this day arrived, I was standing at that crossroad I have been talking about. You see, in the time I have been waiting for this letter to come my way, something else has already surfaced… to my surprise though… I went to see the GP like I told you all on Wednesday 12 March 2008 and to my surprise Dr asked me to do a urine sample for him… I first asked why? He told me to just go do it quickly. I went, and on my way back I handed the thingy to him and off he went. After a while Dr returned and said, Negative… Negative? What is negative I asked. He said ALL the symptoms I show, and the internal examination everything shows that I am pregnant, except for the urine test that shows negative. I’m stunned… what the? I guess I have your attention now, don’t I? Anyway, Dr asked me to do a few more test including a pregnancy blood test on Sunday 16 March 2008, which I have done yesterday, and now I suppose I have to wait and see… Anyway, on the job thing…. I thought about it long and hard, and even though the offer is stunning, I’m just not in the position to take it at this point in time, so instead I had to stay on the straight long road. Maybe I’ll be able to take my left turn at my crossroad on another day.

Stressed and over worked

I truly feel worn; I went for a interview today, which was great fun. Even though I feel so over-worked I managed to look at this interview in a positive light. It was one of those funny interviews where one already have the feeling that you have the position, and that it’s merely formality. This made me feel confident again. Confident in what I am worth in the industry, and confident that life is actually not so bad. Work is wearing me out and the hours and stress I have to put up with is just becoming too much, and then I’m not even talking about JHB traffic, which turns out to be a nightmare for me. Getting up in the morning much earlier to get to work, sitting in the traffic, and then get to work… work the day… get back in the car, sit in traffic, get home late and then still stress about my IF problems is just getting to me… Anyway, some lady here at work thought it will be a great idea to spend some time in my office, wanting to get to know her co-worker… which was not such a pleasant discussion. I think I just feel somewhat touchy. A guy stepped into my office and they were talking about the fact that they don’t really manage to get out a lot because of their obligation towards their children, so she asked how old mine were… I wish I could have given her an age, but unfortunately life just doesn’t have it planned for me yet. So you all know how that makes you feel, and she went on and on about her 2 children, how wonderful they are, how she gave birth, how easy it was to get pregnant, how easy she got pregnant with the second child. How wonderful motherhood is, and, and, and… So I feel crappy, I feel that life has let me down, that female-hood has let me down! I just start to wonder all over again why it is that people who don’t want children have then so easily, that children have children so unplanned and that people like me who desperately want a child in my life, are faced with a problem such as IF. Man life could be so unfair.