POAS...

So I’ve been contemplating – should I or should I not POAS.


I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to confirm anything. Not a possible positive and definitely not a negative, but yesterday morning it was my 10th day of AF not arriving, and I started to get a bit worried. I have no confirmation of anything, and what if something is wrong.

So I actually woke up early yesterday morning, I just think that everything was playing on my mind and went to the bathroom and tested, and immediately it showed the below

The test came out negative! Is this another BFN? What the hell is happening with my body right now? My ovaries cramp it’s painful and there is still no flow not even spotting, and I know for a fact that I did not miscalculate my dates. I have them marked down in my calendar and I double checked, triple checked and I have definitely calculated it correctly

What’s up? I need to phone someone, and I'm a bit confused as to who to phone right now. I haven’t been to the fertility clinic in a year, and what if I just go to the GP for a blood test and something else is wrong. I know that my progesterone has always been a problem

What to do, what to do?

WTH?

So I'm standing and typing the message while I'm waiting for hubby to finish off at work. At last I have some time to quickly post anything on my blog.

It has been a awesome year so far and 2011, had a number of positive things for me. I think one of the most critical (not necessarily positive) things for me was that I had a break from IF and all the planning, appointment and then disappointments, and this year became the year of focus again for us.
Today I thought I'll give you a update on that exactly.

So I was planning to go back to the clinic this month, but I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I have a 26-28 day cycle but this month I'm sitting on day 33 today and AF has still not arrived. WTH? I normally don't have this. I have a lot of cramping and it feels that it's time for her, but nothing yet. So I suppose I would have to wait and see. Or maybe I really counted my days wrong!

I don't know if maybe just maybe by the grace of God I might be... No I can't think that right now. I haven't even tested yet. Don't want the disappointment but something is up...

So that's me.. And where I am, how are you?

** Update 20/01/2012 - still nothing
** Update 21/01/2012 - Nothing - thinking I should POAS
** Update 22/01/2012 - Nothing (see new Post)

A BIT OF EVERYTHING

O wow, our leave was great. I really felt so refreshed when I returned. You can't believe what a wonderful time myself and hubby had and that we managed to have a very pleasant and relaxing time together.

and then....

we both had to return to work, and both of us are stressed out again.

but a number of things changed for me as well. I have been telling you all about this very exciting thing that I didn't want to jinx, well I might have. I was desperate to move on from where I currently work, I have tried to cope with what I had to go through, but I think mentally I just wasn't at the right place. So I went for a couple of interviews, but I don't think that my heart and mind wanted the same thing...

anyway, I just think that my brain told me that it was the right thing to do, but I realized that I'm happy where I am, I really love my job, I love all *some* of the people I work with and that I am wanting to leave because of decisions that I believe was wrongly made. Well I still think so but who cares what I think.

So just before I left, we received a notification advising us that we have been assigned a coach. I initially didn't feel so pleased with this, but realized what an amazing coach I got, and how I will be able to learn so much from my coach. So after I returned I spend a couple of sessions with my coach and WOW, I really think that I am at a much better space, I really value my coach so much. I managed to learn in a very small period that things *IS WHAT IT IS* You can't change it, but you can sure as hell change your attitude about things, and I am trying, and let me tell you IT'S WORKING. Stuff I really wanted to happen in my life, which I so desperately wanted for so long on a career level, suddenly doors are opening, don't know if everything will work out the way I hope, but yet again *IT WILL BE WHAT IT'S SUPPOSE TO BE*  but please hold thumbs, and hopefully I will be able to share a very exciting post one day telling you all about my Job or something great that happened.

So anyway - my birthday is one of these days, and my anniversary! I just can't believe that time has gone so fast. I will be married 13 Years this year on December 5, and turn 32. I'm very excited about it! I just can't wait for all my presents and all the love that is shared on birthdays and anniversaries, but then on the other hand I can't wait for the Festive season either. I am like a child during this time of the year, maybe because it starts so early for me with my birthday, and hey - i don't just want one gifts for all 3 the occasions I want plenty from hubby *smile*

Hope you all will have a break during the festive season, and that you will be spending time with family and friends... unfortunately I will be working...

• Will you be creating menus?
• Will you be cooking?
• What will you be preparing for the festive season?
• What's your plans for the festive season?

Hope to hear from you soon

HALLO!

Just a quick update
So week 2 of camping starts and its one week closer to going back to work argh!
I'm really enjoying the weather right now. Its lovely in the sun.
Remember the thing I posted about that I didn't want to jinx yet, well hopefully next week I'll be able to share this with you all.
Hope all is well on your side

VENTING

I’m a bit in a funny mood, cant really explain what’s been happening to me lately, but I know that where I am is not where I need to be right now.

Over time I’ve realized that I’ve lost some dear friend, that I made new friends and in the cyber world the same. I have made decisions that I now regret I have made decisions that I am thankful for and that life goes on. I’ve gone from being a very dedicated blogger, to being a less dedicated blogger and I miss the friend I had. I don’t know if its because some people kind of struggle with the upgrade on blogger and now cant comment (I’m one of them – I really have a hard time commenting on blogs if the blog comment box are embedded below the post) or if I have just lost them or their interest in my blog because I have been so out of touch lately. All I know is I love comments cause that lets me know you are out there.

So ya, its sounds like self pity today, but I miss it…

The last couple of years about 2 I’ve been working at this new (well not that new anymore) company. I’ve had very little time to go for any treatment during office hours, and I realized that people don’t understand why we take time off to go for these type of things. You find that people are judgmental, they have their own opinions about these kind of treatments and some people just don’t give a sh!t about what you feel and how they make you feel when they express their opinions. I have let myself down, I have kind of given up and become such a terrible blogger (this is how it feels) that I have lost most of my blog readers. Most of the people who encouraged me, supported me, the people I felt so comfortable with that I could say anything and I’d knew that they would have been there for me. Some of these people have also moved on from being infertile to becoming a mother, and here I am……

STILL F*&^ing infertile and feeling alone…. YA YA It’s self pity – but today I need to just pity myself….

I need to reach out for new friend (people who will be there and support me again) I need that, I need and want to go back on treatment and I’m taking a couple of steps to get that going again… but most of all at this time I need to be surrounded by people that’s going through this hell of a roller coaster ride, and who will be able to understand that you have your ups and your downs… I don’t know how to start reaching out again, but I know I need to....

I'm so sorry for putting it out there, but if I can't put it out there then where else will I find the space to vent...

SOME USELESS INFO

I have promised so many people that I will post some photos of my Dubai business trip, but have not yet been able to do so.

So what better time than now….

Arriving at the airport

this was the Hotel we were booked in

the stunning musical fountains

Just a bit of splashing around, before going back to the Hotel

Our wonderful desert trip, hey but this was fun. this was still early in the afternoon we started at around 3 and went home at about 9, after having a nice braai and entertainment

all of us obviously went for Henna

this was the reception of one of the hotels we went to for brunch on the Saturday

and off cause, in the hottest desert they have to have snow!

The view from the one end of the shopping center or shall I say, one of the many shopping centers

and upon arrival, our first Lunch together... SALAD! 

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN - WE HAVE LIFTOFF

I promised so many times, over and over again that I will not disappear from the blog world, and yet again I find myself responding to my blog after such a long time.

It has been very difficult for me to write anything the last couple of months and I find myself still in the little same boat and with the same waves rocking this little boat of mine.

I find myself between a rock and a hard place and really didn’t know how to deal with everything that happen the last couple of months, but I think only time will tell.

We have a plan – Yes believe it or not. We have a plan. We have decided that we will officially enter the adoption process and contacted a number of adoption agencies, and I know that there are so many couples out there that will form part of this process and that we might or might not be selected to become adoptive parents, but I’m optimistic that there is a greater plan for us and that what will be will be. The agency we decided on for now will open application for adoption in the new year, so we would have to submit all the necessary forms, they will ultimately only be able to select 6 couples and obviously it will depend on whether we get selected in the process to become adoptive parents, so I will keep you posted on this progress starting January.

Then we have also decided that in January it is time for us to go back on treatment. Yes can you believe it after such a long break I am ready to tackle the bull by its horns again. It is time for us to not play it save anymore, its time to not worry about all the emotions that go with it and to just do it! I came to realize that if you try and spare yourself any pain throughout this process you will never be able to fulfill your dream to have your perfect family. So officially in the New Year we will start going back.

Now i'm sure you would want to ask – why only the New Year, so here it is. There are a couple of conscious decisions we had to make, one of them was to change our lifestyle, and we had to set a target date for that. We have decided that from October – December we will make all those changes in our life and in and around our house, once all that’s done, we no longer have to worry and stress about these things and that we could focus on our next goal and that is to start our family.

As you would all know, I have been with a specific clinic all this time, and don’t have any issues with them, but in order for me to go to treatment and still be able to deliver things at work we would also like to investigate alternative fertility clinics, I have to be honest and say that it is not going to be easy for us to make this transition, but I managed to discuss this at work and after having so many issues with trying to get time off and now have the opportunity to do so and not take advantage of it, I would have to look for the most effective place to go. So I’ve started a bit of research and asked a couple of friends and everyone is giving their opinions which makes it a bit more difficult for me to decide. Some people try and look at success rate, I tried to get some stats on this, but maybe I suck at doing research cause I couldn’t get much, other people talk about the fact that some places have pregnant woman there, so ya the question is: Can I deal with that, and then there’s so many other opinions out there…. WHAT IS YOURS?

So I might not be able to blog about fertility or the adoption progress for the next 3 months, but I will be able to let you know how I am, and our progress of changes our life

Keep well you all, and I truly hope you are still reading my blog. Let me know you are still there!

ONLY MY HUBBY

I hope most of you have submitted yout story on WHO'S BEEN BY YOUR SIDE?

I did... and here's my story about my loving husband

I have married my best friend and truly the love of my life.

He has been so supportive through our infertility journey.

He has shown commitment, he is tagging along when I change my mind; he provides me comfort on the days when I feel that my life has ended every time I get a negative result. He has supported me with both, emotional and physical challenges.

The days when I cry, he lends an ear and listens without judging or making any remarks. And when I’ve gone through any form of operation or treatment, he would always try to go the extra mile to help out with all the things he could.

He is truly the best person to have by your side. I love him very dearly

WHO'S BEEN BY YOUR SIDE?

As someone who has struggled with infertility, you've seen many highs and lows throughout your journey, and perhaps, at times, you’ve felt alone. But it’s likely you have never been completely alone. Whether you’re trying to get pregnant or you’ve successfully built your family using one of several infertility options, including embryo donation, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association wants to hear about the person who has been by your side. Send them your story about this person and he or she may be profiled on MyDestinationFamily.org in February as we recognize those who have been there for us.

Visit http://www.mydestinationfamily.org/bymyside/ to learn more about the project and the many creative ways you can tell them about your special someone. They are open to receiving all sorts of submissions – including a photo with a caption, a personalized Google voice message, a YouTube video, a poem or simply a paragraph or two. It’s just a small way to show your appreciate and say, “Thank you,” for all the times this person has been there to support you.

If you’re able to share this project through your Twitter account or on your blog, they will appreciate your support in spreading the word.

The will be taking submissions now and will accept them through January 31, 2011.

Hope you’ll participate!

Thank you!

SHARING - LESSONS OF LIFE

I thought to end of this week I wanted to share the following with you all.

I received and read this message this morning, and it made me realize how easy it has been to judge everyone around me and including myself. I have been so hard on myself these days.

Lessons on Life

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.
The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.   The second son said no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Moral lessons:

Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season.

Have a blessed and Beautiful Day

HAVE YOU EVER?

1. Have you ever regretted making a decision?
2. Have you ever felt that a decision has impacted your life negatively?
3. Have you ever felt alone?

Well that’s exactly how I feel

So here is my story… and I stick to it :-)

So here’s explaining the “making a bad decision part” about a year ago I was confronted with a opportunity to work permanently at my company, and I had to leave the contracting house I was working for permanently I really enjoyed working for the contracting house however being a contractor you really didn’t have a lot of stability and contracts and areas kept on changing and I was working away from home at times which impacted the family planning part of our lives. The interview was great okay the 3 interviews I had… It really sounded like a stable environment and an environment where I could grow it sounded like this was a well establish area and that there were lots of opportunities for me. It sounded like a place where I could be myself and enjoy my work as I love what I do and would never want to change my profession so I took the opportunity to come work permanently at my company. I resigned from the contracting house even though I was really enjoying the work there! My first couple of projects in the new company was great and especially the first one and I had a great opportunity to proof what I’m worth, but then it all started….

Now let me explain the “Regretting making a decision” part

My boss is the type of person who prefers to tell the entire team stuff as the team needs to understand where one is emotionally and personally. So I had to explain all the fertility treatment stuff with my boss and my colleagues in order for them to understand when I pop out the office for tests or for treatment and for them to understand when you go through anything emotionally (not that I think some people even care about all these things, and I still think that some people are uncomfortable with me sharing all this). I really didn’t want to share all the struggles with infertility because I feel that this is personal, it’s something I need to deal with and only our closes friends and family really know about our struggle but eventually I had to share this in order for me to get time off to go for appointments, test and all those things, it all worked out kind of okay.! The team knew where I went and they really didn’t ask a lot of questions and when I left they had no issues with me leaving earlier or coming in later. Now a year later I find it more and more difficult to make any type of appointment as work time always has to come first, you see there is no employment act that states that you are allowed time off for these type of treatments and it really depends on you boss and the company. So you’re not allowed to just take time for appointment at the clinic, and when I now have to go for any type of treatment I need to do this between the opening hours and 12PM as the appointment are only scheduled in the mornings till 12. So I’m kind off in a catch 22. I can’t get time off and when I do ask I have to answer a lot of questions which makes me uncomfortable, and in some cases when I try and put in leave my leave is rejected because of the projects that I work on and deliverables that is coming up. So this kind off make me regret making the decision to move when I had all the opportunity with my previous employer. (Please just note that I by no means say my employer is bad it’s a great company to work for it’s just that infertility and time off kind off suck at this present moment)

Now let me explain the “Have you ever felt that a decision has impacted your life negatively”

You see for some reason I always end up being hurt some time. It’s actually such a long story but I’ll try and explain this briefly. There are times that people actually don’t care when children are part of adult conversations, or there’s times that you actually don’t notice them, but when children is part of these conversations they actually do listen, whether they understand what is being discussed or not… believe me they listen, and when they hear I always thought that they will not discuss this or bring this up because they were not suppose to listen or that they didn’t understand what was said… but O boy was I so wrong! We have wonderful friends; friends we got to know and grew very close to over the last couple of years, almost 4 years to be exact. They have lovely children and I really love being with them and I really love their children. They have always been there for us and their children have spent a bit of time over by us as well. I would really not want to loose them as friends, but on Friday nigh I got a wake up call again, and to be honest it was hurtful, so much that I had to cry myself to sleep. On Friday night we quickly went over to our friends’ house as hubby felt like having a drink with our friend and I was spending some time between the children. It was really very relaxing to just sit there and watch TV with the kiddies, but then one of the children mentioned that I don’t have children and that I wouldn’t have (I don’t want to explain the whole conversation), but it HIT HOME… IT HIT DEEP. And I would have never expected it to touch me so much but it did, and me and hubby ended up (after we left) fighting over the fact that I hardly have any time or that I hardly make any time to sort myself out and to carry on planning for our future and for our child. So now I know that I have negatively impacted my live by the choice I made to move from the contracting house even hubby feels the brunt of my decision. I made the decision to move, I knew that I had fertility issues and I knew that we had to do treatments and my decision has officially impacted that and hubby is just getting more and more frustrated. It’s because of my choice to have more stability in my life and now I just regret this decision as this officially negatively impact my life and it’s terrible

Now lastly let me explain the “I feel alone part”

After we left our friends house, I felt very crappy, I really felt so emotional (and like I said I don’t really understand why but the comment hit home) and I was chatting to hubby about it to kind off vent. I really had to get this out of my system. I really felt hurt, but hubby just added to this whole thing and it turned out to be a big fight. I suppose it’s because he never really talk about the infertility. He carries on as if we have a normal life without any issues, and then at times he has his little explosions and Friday night was one. After his little explosion I kind of felt as if I keep him back in life, I feel that he could have had a full life with children which he always have wanted, but instead, he is stuck with me… - Okay here’s some self pity I know – he is stuck with someone who can’t seem to get it right to give him children, whose body has always let them down and I can see what that is doing to him and it hurts me. I have mentioned time and time again that if he feels that it is time for him to move on to be happy with children that he should. I’m sure I’ll manage on my own I’m sure I’ll survive and I’m very sure that God will someday bless me with a child. I keep hoping, I keep praying and I keep wishing.

With this I end off the post for today, and I thought I’ll leave you all with a small message to break the depressing mood of this post. Forgive me for venting on my blog today, but I really needed to vent and I knew that my blog will be a safe place for me to vent and be supported by my Blog friends!

Only You

A person can make you feel high,

A person can make you feel low.

But only you can decide,

Which way you want to go.

A person can hurt you mentally,

A person can hurt you physically.

But only you can place,

A limit on your abilities.

A person can cause drama,

A person can cause a situation.

But only you can create,

Your own reputation

A person can make you laugh,

A person can make you cry.

But only you can make,

Decisions for your life.

So

Don't live by what people do,

But live by what you know is true.

INTRO OF NEW FAMILY MEMBER

What a fantastic long weekend we had… it was so great that I only have time now to blog about it…

As most of you would know I really needed the time off to just relax a bit, and with the public holiday it was just fantastic… I tried for a couple of days more but unfortunately wasn’t that lucky to be able to get those days as well. Anyway it was still great.

So on Friday we got home and decided to braai with hubbies brother, his wife and their son, and we played a bit a pool, which was nice for a change. They didn’t really stay long as their son was playing club rugby the next morning and he obviously had to be rest out for that. Then Saturday we spend the day over at our friends, and as usual we played some dart and really had another really relaxing day. Then on Sunday hubby and I drove out for a while and were looking for an African grey, as hubby now again decided that he would really love to have a talking bird in the house. We really searched high and low, from the one bird farm to the next and we managed to find two different types, the red tail and the maroon tail, but hubby was still not satisfied so we had to continue looking. So Sunday eventually ended without a talking birdie at home. So on Monday (which was the public holiday) we drove out of town to a little store on the roadside that also have animals. It’s like a little pet shop… they have mice, birds, dogs, rabbits and all sorts of animals. So we stopped and looked at all the birdies they had.

Hubby then enquired about the Africa grey, but they only have little ones being taken from the parents next week, and then we would still have to feed them and honestly, nor me or hubby will be able to do that. It’s not going to be easy to try and feed the little ones at work, and I can’t really leave the birdie without food for the whole day. So we kept looking in the store. So they guy who works there (a real youngster) mentioned that they have another type of bird which can also talk and they are lovely as a pet. They are called Eclectus parrots, so we both went Huh… what? Anyway he then took us to a little glass room where he only had one little birdie sitting there. He explained that he has hand reared the little one and that the bird has just started to eat by himself. Both hubby and I just stood there, what a lovely bird. So as usual, we never carry money on us as it’s much safer and much easier to just buy with the debit card, but the store didn’t take cards. It at least gave hubby and me time to talk about the decision as the guy really didn’t give us any time to talk about our decision, and we prefer to make these types of decisions together.

Anyway so off we went to the nearest ATM which was about 10 min away from the store and 10 min back…. On our drive I “Google” and read as much about our little birdie and we decided that this birdie will definitely be a suitable pet for the both of us, and we returned to the store. On our arrival you could actually see that the guy was not expecting us back, but hey we returned with the money and ready to take our little pet home. He went into the room and clipped the wings for us, he then turned to one of the helpers and expressed how sad he was that the little one is leaving as he really loves the little one and he then handed our little pet over to us. Shame you could actually see how heartbroken this poor guy was to see the little bird go. So we quickly had to pack all the stuff, the cage and food, and we got in the car and started our trip back home. As we got home we went in the house, put our little new pet into his cage and introduced the two doggies to him, however Devonté didn’t want anything to do with this little new creature he was growling, licking the cage and sniffing, Uschcá really didn’t care at all, she walked in, sniffed and laid down close to where I was sitting… I suppose Devonté will still get use to him.

So people without further ado please meet our new member of our family – Whisky (hubby named him)

I thought I’ll ad a bit about this type of bird (information obtained from the web and books bought)

The Eclectus Parrot - They are stocky short-tailed parrots; it measures around 35 cm in length. The male is mostly bright green with a yellow-tinge on the head. It has blue primaries, and red flanks and under wing coverts. Its tail is edged with a narrow band of creamy yellow, and is dark grey edged with creamy yellow underneath, and the tail feathers are green centrally and more blue as they get towards the edges. The upper mandible of the adult male is orange at the base fading to a yellow towards the tip, and the lower mandible is black.

Unlike many other species of parrot they are relatively easy to breed yet difficult to hand feed. Eclectus in captivity require vegetables high in beta-carotene, such as lightly cooked sweet potato, fresh broccoli clumps, and fresh corn on the cob. Fresh greens such as endive or commercial dandelion are a very important in providing calcium and other nutrients. Spray millet is one of the seed items they enjoy, though the Eclectus diet should typically contain much less seed than other birds. A variety of soaked and cooked beans and legumes, along with brown rice, provided in limited amounts help provide protein. Nuts and seeds provide vitamin E, but should be limited in order to avoid too much fat in the diet, as Eclectus parrots can become obese.

The Eclectus are remarkable birds and ideally suited as a pet. When taught properly, they are capable of cognitive behavior from a very young age. The ability of the Eclectus to communicate with humans is a result of their extremely inquisitive nature, a feature strongly linked to their life in the rainforest canopy. This habitat is a rich environment requiring a heightened visual and audible intellect to master. When treated in a similarly caring and intelligent way they will quickly learn to communicate cognitively. Eclectus also prefer a calm environment and have a strong ability to notice changes within their normal surroundings. These highly intelligent birds are very animated and love to participate in daily activities and in doing so, will quickly become acquainted with a daily routine. Eclectus can be kept with other parrot species although it is extremely important that any new bird is introduced in the correct fashion. This involves providing one on one attention with the original bird and as much as possible, maintaining its normal daily routine.

CONFUSSED!

Good morning all you wonderful people. I hope that you enjoyed your weekend as much as what I did.

So this weekend was filled with lots of good times, fun, laughter and shooting…. Shooting yes you’re reading right.

Anyway, Friday night was not that full of excitement as once again I got home with a terrible headache, it was once again one of those days where poor hubby had to spend hours trying to massage and get the headache away. He is really getting irritated with this whole thing, and have mentioned a couple of times in a couple of days that I have to go to see a doctor, but then when I tried for leave this morning I got told that I can’t take. So I’m not to sure when I will be able to go to the doctor. I sometimes wonder why it’s okay for some people to be off and some people to have that freedom but others don’t.

Then Saturday was the Bundu Expo – it wasn’t as great as all the other years. I was kind off disappointed. They had very little stalls in comparison to last year, very little fishing stuff and lots of clothes, biltong, and those kind of things. Hubby really couldn’t get what he wanted, but we still managed to enjoy the day. He bought a couple of small things for himself which he will be trying out soon, so hopefully it wasn’t all that bad of an experience for him either. The one thing we managed to enjoy the most – which we normally don’t do was the rides. There were 2 rides which we went on. Sunette and I went on first and begged the men to go on as well, but they were so skeptical. Then we went a second time, and we convinced the two men to go on. So they went and me and Sunette were standing there at the bottom and had a good laugh at them while they were on this ride… it was so funny to see the two of them rattled.

The Sunday (yesterday) was our friends’ birthday – and we went over for a braai. We also had an opportunity to shoot with a crossbow a bit, and let me tell you it was great fun. Something I couldn’t seem to get right was to shoot with the air riffle but I managed very well with the crossbow. I am so proud of myself as I really managed to shoot a bull.

Okay then on a more personal note and what I mean with personal is more on the fertility side of things.

I have been so good at tracking all my cycles either via my blog, my outlook calendar, my calendar on my cell phone, in a grid on my bedside table to do temping or even in my diary. I have never missed on cycle, well never missed it till now. So normally when the spotting start I make a note in my calendar to say that spotting started and then for CD1 I obviously write down CD1, but I suppose with everything going on at work and stuff that this had just slipped my mind. I made a little note on 4 July saying that there were brown spotting, but I never made a note to indicate on which day CD1 started. Normally the Spotting day also turns into the first cycle day, but there are also times that this doesn’t happen and that the spotting and first cycle day is a couple of days apart. Well counting from the 4th of July where I indicated the spotting started it means that I’m on CD 30 today, and this has only ever happened once before where a cycle goes to 30 days or more. Okay hang on there were one other time as well where I had a 40 day cycle but it was really way back in the day and it was all related to stress and normally my cycle are between 26 – 28 days or sometimes like in June I only had like a 22 day cycle, but then I marked the 10th of July with a little mark across and I’m not sure what I wanted to indicate on that day but I never wrote anything next to that day. For some reason I marked it but why? And if that was to indicate the start of the cycle I never wrote it down, but if that was the start I should be sitting on day 24 of my cycle, I’m now really confused I’m not sure if I’m late and if I’m late because of all the tension at work, or if I’m not late and the 10th was the actual start and that I’ve just forgotten to mark it. I’m also to scared to test cause in the back of my mind I assume it will be a negative (cause how can I fall pregnant if I didn’t go through treatment) but I also think that I should do the POAS (Pee on a stick) thing because I’m taking tablets for my headaches and I don’t want to spoil to only chance I have of possibly being pregnant (and I keep wishing for that but trying not to get my hopes up).

So I’m really in a catch 22 situation. If I test and it’s negative (at least I’ll know and I can stop stressing that I could potentially be pregnant and I know I will kind of still be upset because it is negative) and I don’t have to worry every time I need to take something for my headache. Or I test and it’s positive and I know I need to get to a doctor soon (and that will be a miracle). So what to do… do I or do I not? Do I POAS or do I wait till Wednesday which will be day 26 or Friday which will be cycle day 28 if I indicated CD1 with the little mark under the 10th of July or do I wait because Friday will be cycle day 34 if the spotting day on the 4th indicated CD1… Argh I’m going to drive myself nuts! What should I do?

So that was the weekend and my update on this wonderful cycle of mine and I’m back at work, and feeling stressed already, but we will just have to hang in there!

Hope you have a good week everyone! And please give me your thoughts I will appreciate it?

THIS AND THAT

I have never experience this amount of headache days at a time.

The last 2 weeks I’ve been standing up and been going to bed with a headache. I know I need to go see a doctor, but unfortunately I can’t seem to get to the doctors offices before they are closed and at this point of I don’t really want to go to the emergency services to see the doctor there, because I really need to save all the cents we have for our treatment. Anyway, I need to make a plan and get to the doctor.

This weekend will be one of the best weekends again; the bundu expo is starting again. I haven’t been able to go for a lot of them, but for the last 3 years I managed to go with hubby as this is really one of the expos he enjoy going to. It’s basically fishing stuff, but there is hunting stuff, boats and those sort of things and off cause they normally have lots and lots of beer.

I will be posting some pictures on Monday I promise

How are all of you doing?

IT'S ME...

I almost feel like I should introduce myself all over again. that how long back I wrote and just maybe I'm forgotten already.

Life is treating me well, well that's one a personal level. On the fertility front, I'm not really trying for anything this month. we have decided that we needed to do a couple of other things this month, which desperately needed attention. so hopefully as from next month we can start looking at the savings again and start to save for our IVF.

Will write back soon with other news

TESTING, TESTING 123

Okay so the whole weekend I've been wondering whether I should test or not test, but I thought let me be a good girl and wait it out as I would have needed to wait a additional 2 days anyway. Today is CD26 and Dr requested the test for today.

So a lot of people are asking me how I feel... and really how do I feel. I'm hoping and praying, I can’t really think of anything else at this stage and I'm sore. My breasts are still so tender that some nights I wake up when I turned because of something touching my breasts. Overall that's the only thing that's really bugging me except for a little bit of slight cramps on my left side but I really can't say what this feeling is, and now it's time to wait my couple of hours and receive my results

Will keep you posted

IUI UPDATE

On Wednesday night after work and on my way home later than usual, my best friend from school phoned and invited us over for supper. It was so glad that she invited us over as I really didn’t feel like preparing anything. I desperately needed the sleep as I had evening classes on Monday and Tuesday, and I felt a bit stressed out for the IUI, so off we went. After we ate and sat and watched a movie with them it was time to go. We all gathered outside and her 2 children greeted us like they always do (They are such loveable children) my friend gave me a big hug and wished us luck for Thursday. She then grabbed our hand and asked everyone to stand there and hold hands while she will say a prayer, however as she started the tears took over and I could actually see how emotional she is about what we are experiencing. It is such an honor to have a friend like this. She is such an amazing person and I’m truly blessed to have her in my life.

So Thursday morning started very bright and early, and P and I had to rush off to the Clinic seeing that it a bit of travel for us. Got there P delivered our little swimmers and then off he went as his boss is kind of funny with him wanting to be late and be with me. So I told him to just go I don’t want any issues at this stage of my life. Anyway so Pre-ovulation IUI was done. I am a bit skeptical as the Ovulation predictors kit showed that I ovulated already. Then again Friday morning myself and P went very early, dear hubby was such a sweetie, he then once again delivered our little swimmers and this time round he had breakfast before he had to rush off to work, which left me feeling a bit in a better mood than Thursday.

So eventually I returned to the Clinic and had to sit and wait for my turn. When I went into the little procedure room I sat and waited for Dr to arrive and felt very teary eye. Starting to question everything in my head, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give myself the answers, but I really had all these questions. Dr Then stepped in, he completed the IUI and off he went to the next room. While I was laying there all kind of emotions got the better of me as I lay their and having a little cry. I don’t know why I feel like crying but I do. Afterwards I picked up my progesterone cram and Utrogestan tablets and headed to work where I have a jam packed day filled with lots of issues.

Of cause the weekend follows all of this, and let me tell you what an exhausting weekend but it was fun. My friends little girl played netball and my godchild rugby, and it’s so amazing to see these little once try their utmost best at this weird and wonderful game. So Saturday morning was my first day of progesterone cream and the night my first Utrogestan, which didn’t leave me with any side effects, except for the fact that my breasts are so tender that even the water from the shower makes me want to cry. I have never experienced so much tenderness in my breasts ever before. It’s been to such extend that I kept on waking up during the night whenever I moved or turned. I don’t know why it feels like this, but what I do know is that I’ll have a couple of sleepless nights till the tenderness settles.

SO LADIES AND GENTS… my 2WW (2 Week Wait) has officially started and I will be testing sooner thought as Dr is a bit concerned so I will test on cycle day 26 which is 17 May 2010.

Wish me luck and send me tons of baby dust I really need it!

A photo of me and my best friend S (S is the lady on the right)

A MESSAGE BY GEORGE CARLIN

I know that this has got nothing to do with any TTC information, but I wanted to share this with all of you. If you have been following my blog for long, you would have read this at some stage

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

• Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.
• Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
• Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
• Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
• Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS

REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

LEAVE JIPPY!

I’m feeling a bit tender today.

AF started at about 9 this morning, which resulted in me having some cramps and quit a bit of pain. I really do hate it when AF starts at work, especially if it is so painful. I don’t know how to relieve the pain, don’t know how to sit and just feel uncomfortable and irritable, but HEY I’m not complaining at least AF started after a 35 day cycle. Now i just have to hang in here till it’s time for my scan again. I just hope all the dates will work out between the clinic and my leave… I really need the leave

I just can’t wait for the 1st of April….

We managed to get a spot to go out camping for a while, luckily I have people who will be able to stay in my house while I’m away and I don’t have to stress about my two fur-babies. I can’t wait to just go out and have some fun in the sun before our winter starts.

This is the place where we will be going to

THE RESULTS **drumroll please**

Ha I don’t really need the drum roll today, but I thought I needed some sound of excitement today.

Anyway, I had a progesterone test done last week Friday, which the results is captured in one of my previous posts. It really didn’t come out high. The on Monday IF clinic gave me a call as Dr was concerned with the fact that after using all these meds and injections my progesterone did sweet nothing.

So Yesterday off I went to another lab to have the same test done to see if we were getting the same results, but it was way-way-way better. The results in fact were 182 which have a variance of 174 in comparison to the test done of Friday last week. So now what happened? Was the previous result by any chance wrong???

With the progesterone test, we also had our official pregnancy test….

Before I spill the results, I want to thank all of you who were supportive this cycle and who did a prayer for us, but unfortunately we’re counting another BFN on our charts.

So for now, I’m going into my feeling sorry for myself spot… and would have to get myself out of the slump all over again.