WHO'S BEEN BY YOUR SIDE?

As someone who has struggled with infertility, you've seen many highs and lows throughout your journey, and perhaps, at times, you’ve felt alone. But it’s likely you have never been completely alone. Whether you’re trying to get pregnant or you’ve successfully built your family using one of several infertility options, including embryo donation, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association wants to hear about the person who has been by your side. Send them your story about this person and he or she may be profiled on MyDestinationFamily.org in February as we recognize those who have been there for us.

Visit http://www.mydestinationfamily.org/bymyside/ to learn more about the project and the many creative ways you can tell them about your special someone. They are open to receiving all sorts of submissions – including a photo with a caption, a personalized Google voice message, a YouTube video, a poem or simply a paragraph or two. It’s just a small way to show your appreciate and say, “Thank you,” for all the times this person has been there to support you.

If you’re able to share this project through your Twitter account or on your blog, they will appreciate your support in spreading the word.

The will be taking submissions now and will accept them through January 31, 2011.

Hope you’ll participate!

Thank you!

CONFUSSED!

Good morning all you wonderful people. I hope that you enjoyed your weekend as much as what I did.

So this weekend was filled with lots of good times, fun, laughter and shooting…. Shooting yes you’re reading right.

Anyway, Friday night was not that full of excitement as once again I got home with a terrible headache, it was once again one of those days where poor hubby had to spend hours trying to massage and get the headache away. He is really getting irritated with this whole thing, and have mentioned a couple of times in a couple of days that I have to go to see a doctor, but then when I tried for leave this morning I got told that I can’t take. So I’m not to sure when I will be able to go to the doctor. I sometimes wonder why it’s okay for some people to be off and some people to have that freedom but others don’t.

Then Saturday was the Bundu Expo – it wasn’t as great as all the other years. I was kind off disappointed. They had very little stalls in comparison to last year, very little fishing stuff and lots of clothes, biltong, and those kind of things. Hubby really couldn’t get what he wanted, but we still managed to enjoy the day. He bought a couple of small things for himself which he will be trying out soon, so hopefully it wasn’t all that bad of an experience for him either. The one thing we managed to enjoy the most – which we normally don’t do was the rides. There were 2 rides which we went on. Sunette and I went on first and begged the men to go on as well, but they were so skeptical. Then we went a second time, and we convinced the two men to go on. So they went and me and Sunette were standing there at the bottom and had a good laugh at them while they were on this ride… it was so funny to see the two of them rattled.

The Sunday (yesterday) was our friends’ birthday – and we went over for a braai. We also had an opportunity to shoot with a crossbow a bit, and let me tell you it was great fun. Something I couldn’t seem to get right was to shoot with the air riffle but I managed very well with the crossbow. I am so proud of myself as I really managed to shoot a bull.

Okay then on a more personal note and what I mean with personal is more on the fertility side of things.

I have been so good at tracking all my cycles either via my blog, my outlook calendar, my calendar on my cell phone, in a grid on my bedside table to do temping or even in my diary. I have never missed on cycle, well never missed it till now. So normally when the spotting start I make a note in my calendar to say that spotting started and then for CD1 I obviously write down CD1, but I suppose with everything going on at work and stuff that this had just slipped my mind. I made a little note on 4 July saying that there were brown spotting, but I never made a note to indicate on which day CD1 started. Normally the Spotting day also turns into the first cycle day, but there are also times that this doesn’t happen and that the spotting and first cycle day is a couple of days apart. Well counting from the 4th of July where I indicated the spotting started it means that I’m on CD 30 today, and this has only ever happened once before where a cycle goes to 30 days or more. Okay hang on there were one other time as well where I had a 40 day cycle but it was really way back in the day and it was all related to stress and normally my cycle are between 26 – 28 days or sometimes like in June I only had like a 22 day cycle, but then I marked the 10th of July with a little mark across and I’m not sure what I wanted to indicate on that day but I never wrote anything next to that day. For some reason I marked it but why? And if that was to indicate the start of the cycle I never wrote it down, but if that was the start I should be sitting on day 24 of my cycle, I’m now really confused I’m not sure if I’m late and if I’m late because of all the tension at work, or if I’m not late and the 10th was the actual start and that I’ve just forgotten to mark it. I’m also to scared to test cause in the back of my mind I assume it will be a negative (cause how can I fall pregnant if I didn’t go through treatment) but I also think that I should do the POAS (Pee on a stick) thing because I’m taking tablets for my headaches and I don’t want to spoil to only chance I have of possibly being pregnant (and I keep wishing for that but trying not to get my hopes up).

So I’m really in a catch 22 situation. If I test and it’s negative (at least I’ll know and I can stop stressing that I could potentially be pregnant and I know I will kind of still be upset because it is negative) and I don’t have to worry every time I need to take something for my headache. Or I test and it’s positive and I know I need to get to a doctor soon (and that will be a miracle). So what to do… do I or do I not? Do I POAS or do I wait till Wednesday which will be day 26 or Friday which will be cycle day 28 if I indicated CD1 with the little mark under the 10th of July or do I wait because Friday will be cycle day 34 if the spotting day on the 4th indicated CD1… Argh I’m going to drive myself nuts! What should I do?

So that was the weekend and my update on this wonderful cycle of mine and I’m back at work, and feeling stressed already, but we will just have to hang in there!

Hope you have a good week everyone! And please give me your thoughts I will appreciate it?

TESTING, TESTING 123

Okay so the whole weekend I've been wondering whether I should test or not test, but I thought let me be a good girl and wait it out as I would have needed to wait a additional 2 days anyway. Today is CD26 and Dr requested the test for today.

So a lot of people are asking me how I feel... and really how do I feel. I'm hoping and praying, I can’t really think of anything else at this stage and I'm sore. My breasts are still so tender that some nights I wake up when I turned because of something touching my breasts. Overall that's the only thing that's really bugging me except for a little bit of slight cramps on my left side but I really can't say what this feeling is, and now it's time to wait my couple of hours and receive my results

Will keep you posted

IUI UPDATE

On Wednesday night after work and on my way home later than usual, my best friend from school phoned and invited us over for supper. It was so glad that she invited us over as I really didn’t feel like preparing anything. I desperately needed the sleep as I had evening classes on Monday and Tuesday, and I felt a bit stressed out for the IUI, so off we went. After we ate and sat and watched a movie with them it was time to go. We all gathered outside and her 2 children greeted us like they always do (They are such loveable children) my friend gave me a big hug and wished us luck for Thursday. She then grabbed our hand and asked everyone to stand there and hold hands while she will say a prayer, however as she started the tears took over and I could actually see how emotional she is about what we are experiencing. It is such an honor to have a friend like this. She is such an amazing person and I’m truly blessed to have her in my life.

So Thursday morning started very bright and early, and P and I had to rush off to the Clinic seeing that it a bit of travel for us. Got there P delivered our little swimmers and then off he went as his boss is kind of funny with him wanting to be late and be with me. So I told him to just go I don’t want any issues at this stage of my life. Anyway so Pre-ovulation IUI was done. I am a bit skeptical as the Ovulation predictors kit showed that I ovulated already. Then again Friday morning myself and P went very early, dear hubby was such a sweetie, he then once again delivered our little swimmers and this time round he had breakfast before he had to rush off to work, which left me feeling a bit in a better mood than Thursday.

So eventually I returned to the Clinic and had to sit and wait for my turn. When I went into the little procedure room I sat and waited for Dr to arrive and felt very teary eye. Starting to question everything in my head, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to give myself the answers, but I really had all these questions. Dr Then stepped in, he completed the IUI and off he went to the next room. While I was laying there all kind of emotions got the better of me as I lay their and having a little cry. I don’t know why I feel like crying but I do. Afterwards I picked up my progesterone cram and Utrogestan tablets and headed to work where I have a jam packed day filled with lots of issues.

Of cause the weekend follows all of this, and let me tell you what an exhausting weekend but it was fun. My friends little girl played netball and my godchild rugby, and it’s so amazing to see these little once try their utmost best at this weird and wonderful game. So Saturday morning was my first day of progesterone cream and the night my first Utrogestan, which didn’t leave me with any side effects, except for the fact that my breasts are so tender that even the water from the shower makes me want to cry. I have never experienced so much tenderness in my breasts ever before. It’s been to such extend that I kept on waking up during the night whenever I moved or turned. I don’t know why it feels like this, but what I do know is that I’ll have a couple of sleepless nights till the tenderness settles.

SO LADIES AND GENTS… my 2WW (2 Week Wait) has officially started and I will be testing sooner thought as Dr is a bit concerned so I will test on cycle day 26 which is 17 May 2010.

Wish me luck and send me tons of baby dust I really need it!

A photo of me and my best friend S (S is the lady on the right)

UPDATE ON CD12 SCAN

Okay so this morning was my CD12 scan, and I was really not in the best of moods. See I’ve been going to our local hospital for my injections every morning and so I managed to have found the most insensitive sister you could ever have. Last week she was asking me when we will decide to just let it go and give up and then on Saturday she asked why I rather don’t go to my house doctor to get the injections. Man let me tell you both times I really had to bite my lip, as I would have attacked her and most likely would have end up in jail. So this morning I phoned the Head Sister in the emergency services and explained everything to her and told her that I really didn’t appreciate these comments and that next time I will not bite my lip, but I’ll say the most rudest thing to her I could think of at that moment…. And now I’ll be thinking of that comment and be prepared….!

Now back to CD12, I really like my Doctor, at the most darkest times he really tries his best to make you feel so much better, he asked me how the injections was, explained again how I should administer them myself and then after I told him about my bad experience at the hospital he said…. “Stuff the people…. We are the people, and don’t you let anyone tell you what to do. It’s all in your hands” so off I went after this discussion and went for my scan. On my left side I didn't stimulate and there are many follies, but they are so small, they will not grow quick enough, then on my right side there are 2 nice follies. One measuring 15.1 and the other 17.3, so I’ll be going for my Ovidrel injection tomorrow night, but seeing that my body is so slow with everything where I normally have the IUI procedure done the next day, we will only have it done Pre-ovulation on Thursday and Post Ovulation on Friday and then off cause the 2 week wait starts.

That’s my quick update for today.

Have a stunning week; we have cold wet weather it feels like winter is here…

LEAVE JIPPY!

I’m feeling a bit tender today.

AF started at about 9 this morning, which resulted in me having some cramps and quit a bit of pain. I really do hate it when AF starts at work, especially if it is so painful. I don’t know how to relieve the pain, don’t know how to sit and just feel uncomfortable and irritable, but HEY I’m not complaining at least AF started after a 35 day cycle. Now i just have to hang in here till it’s time for my scan again. I just hope all the dates will work out between the clinic and my leave… I really need the leave

I just can’t wait for the 1st of April….

We managed to get a spot to go out camping for a while, luckily I have people who will be able to stay in my house while I’m away and I don’t have to stress about my two fur-babies. I can’t wait to just go out and have some fun in the sun before our winter starts.

This is the place where we will be going to

THE RESULTS **drumroll please**

Ha I don’t really need the drum roll today, but I thought I needed some sound of excitement today.

Anyway, I had a progesterone test done last week Friday, which the results is captured in one of my previous posts. It really didn’t come out high. The on Monday IF clinic gave me a call as Dr was concerned with the fact that after using all these meds and injections my progesterone did sweet nothing.

So Yesterday off I went to another lab to have the same test done to see if we were getting the same results, but it was way-way-way better. The results in fact were 182 which have a variance of 174 in comparison to the test done of Friday last week. So now what happened? Was the previous result by any chance wrong???

With the progesterone test, we also had our official pregnancy test….

Before I spill the results, I want to thank all of you who were supportive this cycle and who did a prayer for us, but unfortunately we’re counting another BFN on our charts.

So for now, I’m going into my feeling sorry for myself spot… and would have to get myself out of the slump all over again.

THE RESULTS ARE IN!

I received a call yesterday from the IF Clinic, and to everyones’ amazement, with all the meds and injections my progesterone level only raised to 8, and by the sound of it they were not very happy with the results. They have requested another progesterone test on the blood, and I’m now waiting for my feedback as they would need to phone me back with a plan of action...

So I’m already feeling teary.... but I'm now also not understanding casue the info I found explains the following

hCG levels during pregnancy
(in weeks since last menstrual period)

• 3 weeks LMP 5 - 50 mIU/ml
• 4 weeks LMP 5 - 426 mIU/ml
• 5 weeks LMP 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml
• 6 weeks LMP 1,080 - 56,500 mIU/ml
• 7 - 8 weeks LMP 7, 650 - 229,000 mIU/ml
• 9 - 12 weeks LMP 25,700 - 288,000 mIU/ml
• 13 - 16 weeks LMP 13,300 - 254,000 mIU/ml
• 17 - 24 weeks LMP 4,060 - 165,400 mIU/ml
• 25 - 40 weeks LMP 3,640 - 117,000 mIU/ml
• non pregnant 55-200 ng/ml

I HOPE, I PRAY, I BELIEVE!

This week has been the most hectic week ever.

I really didn’t enjoy this week that much, as work was piling on my desk, responsibilities became more and then off cause my little old moods because of all the lovely meds and injections. My bum hurts of the Gestone injections and I really feel like I’m burning up because of the HOT flushes

Anyway, there I was on Wednesday morning standing in the garden at work minding my own business and chatting to a lady that works with me, I explained how the meds were making me feel and overall the emotional rollercoaster that I’m on. So this other lady obviously eavesdropping turned around and said: There is a stunning Dr in Pretoria who will sort you out 1.2.3… It’s a Chinese doctor and he specialized in everything, from stress to infertility. Obviously I responded with the fact that I already have a Dr and that I feel very comfortable with this Dr, so then she continued: Why is it that people who is infertile always pray and ask for their baby, why don’t you just go on your knees and start saying thank you. Thank him for the baby his given you. Maybe if you start believing your not infertile and that you are in fact pregnant maybe you’ll have the satisfaction of a baby.

Now that was it…. I was so close at snapping her. I really felt like exploding and screaming at her (which I didn’t do but really wanted to) how the hell will she know. She has never gone through infertility and when she carried her second son, she really tried everything in the book to loose the baby. She drank, she smoked etc, but at the end the baby was born and is now about 6 months.

So anyway, I had to collect my thoughts and emotions and really had to focus on just smiling and then turned and walked back in to the building ignoring basically everything.

Okay so after this whole thing, I felt a bit depressed and just had to get done with the day.

Then this morning….

Early up and off I went for my injection – you will not believe I still can’t do the injections myself. Anyway while I was there I also had blood drawn as I have a progesterone test due today. So I believe, pray and Hope that the progesterone levels are 100% fine. Please, please, please I really need them to be okay. I really need to know if I can get a positive. Do you know how it feels if you have never experienced a positive. Okay except 1 when I was very much younger… I don’t even know if we can have a positive. Man I really hate this feeling and the fact that I doubt in us, so I need to try and stay focused, pray, believe and hope that this will be our cycle

IUI AND MORE!

Good morning all,

I thought that the post for today will cover what has happened in our world the last couple of days

On Wednesday 3 March 2010 (CD15), I had another scan as mentioned in my previous post and everything felt like it was on track. Then Thursday morning came, and with it came spotting. So off cause I was terrified that CD1 is about to come sooner than expected, so I phoned the clinic and they put my mind a little to rest, as it could be because of the scan. So I had to monitor the bleeding and report back if there were any stronger bleeding, which luckily didn’t happen.

Then…

Bright and early on Saturday we were up and ready to dash off to the clinic which is about an hour 15min drive from our home. As we got there they were already waiting for us. So P did what he had to, and we went off to have a breakfast while we were waiting. Then at about 9:30am we returned and we did our pre-ovulation IUI, which really went well, no cervical problems… JIPPY and I spend most of the day relaxing as much as possible. We walked around at the show later on during the day, which was kind of nice, but I really didn’t feel like I did all the years before. It wasn’t really as much fun as the previous years.

Anyway, Sunday morning again up at sparrows fart, went to the Clinic, and this time round they were a bit late. Then the most terrible thing happened... I just can’t believe that people has become so unprofessional, impersonal, unemotional about this whole infertility thing, especially not the people that work with these things daily. The lady asked us for our sample, and because it might take us longer than an hour to get there, she should have known by now that we produce the sample there (O yes and I mentioned it the Saturday). Anyway, there were another couple that also went for IUI, and the guy got his turn to go into the room, she then directed us to another room.

She said: “you can use the room on this side”
Me: “O is there rooms, I’ve never been to one of them:
She: “Yes here you go” pointing towards the room.

As I came around the corner to look at the room she directed us straight into the toilet. Lovely… Fucking Lovely. So there P was, he was so upset he really got that strange look in his eyes, and off cause, I got it… because of a stupid, unemotional bitch lady I got the back end of it, and he said: “You better fall pregnant now I had it with this crap” man I really didn’t know how to deal with it, and I still think I don’t really know how to deal with it. I still feel upset and emotional about this comment. I know it was not directed at me but rather the situation, but still...

Anyway, IUI post-ovulation was done on Sunday 7 march 2010, and I’ve started with the progesterone vaginal cream this morning, I’ll also start with Utrogestan capsules tonight 2x 100mg at night before I go to sleep, and on CD23 (11 March 2010) I’ll start on Gestone injections. Hopefully my body will play its part and absorb the progesterone as needed. All I can do now is wait out my 2 weeks and on 19 March 2010 I’ll do my blood test.

Please hold thumbs…

Wishing all the other ladies lost of luck on their journey... and myself with my own 2ww

SHOW TIME BABY!

Okay, so the Randfontein show has officially started today. So I am very eager to get home and run off to the show, but I'll be stuck in the office till about 7PM tonight which means I'll only get home at about 8PM and I still need to study and tackle the darn assignment which is due on Monday. I'll most probably only be able to dash off to the show on Saturday.

Anyway, went to the clinic today and I was really optimistic and very positive... (Only good vibes), so Dr did my scan, and there they were, my precious (and I really mean they are precious to me) follicles. One measuring a full 19.3mm (this one was the original 15.5) and another one which were initially 14.5 has grown to a full 15mm, there a number of other smaller once measuring +- 13 - 15 so IT'S A GREAT CYCLE LADIES IT'S JUST GREAT! I have never seen more than 1 - 2 follicles, and now it more... (Attracting good vibes)


I believe that my clock has turned and I hope only good things will come my way!


So here's the schedule for the weekend

• Friday - take the Ovidrel injection
• Saturday - First insemination (Before ovulation) 
• Sunday - second insemination (after ovulation)

Update on Scan

Okay, so I went for my CD12 Scan yesterday, and was really very optimistic about it. I have had so many cramps with the injections and meds that I really thought everything in there was going hunky dory!

Anyway, I rediscovered my blood group which I have totally forgotten what group I was (hey but now I know) and the rest of the blood works came back pretty good except for my Sugar levels and Progesterone levels. So this really made me feel down again. Dr have prescribed Glucophage for me and I started using the tablets at night for the first week and then one in the morning and one at night for the next 6 months. So we'll have to see how on earth I’m going to cope with that, as it really makes you run to the loo very very very often.

Over and above this, I got new Fertomid tablets and more Gonal F... Why you'd ask, and the only answer I want to give is my bloody body again, but to put it nicely: My body has once again been on the slow side on CD 12 I have only 2 follicles which are almost there one on the left is 13.5mm and the one on the right is 14.5mm. So another scan has been scheduled for Wednesday to see how the follicles have progressed.

Wish me luck girls... and please please please keep me in your thoughts as I really need thoughts and prayers this cycle! Feeling a bit on the down side

On the working front:

Well we start with our official Night classes today, and believe me when I tell you I doubt if I’m going to make these 3 months. Every Monday we'll be going off at 15:00 as the traffic towards that area is very hectic and the classes start at 5, and I’ll only get home at 23:00 tonight. Luckily hubby will be able to look after himself, and I'll grab something to eat on my way there.

So that's my very quick update... enjoy this week

ICLW Week!

Good day everyone

Thank you for stopping by, I know that most of you are stopping by for ICLW, and hope that I will find more friends and readers through out this week.

I wanted to leave you all with a little thought for the week

The Power

Don't underestimate the power of a touch a smile a kind word a listening ear an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring all of which have the potential to turn a life around Life ends when you stop Dreaming, Hope ends when you stop Believing, Love ends when you stop Caring, Friendship ends when you stop Sharing. When you find a dream inside your heart,

Don't ever let it go,

For dreams are the tiny seeds, from which Beautiful Tomorrows Grow!

Have a Wonderful Week!

For those of you who have been following my blog…

CD1 started on the 17th which I was not to happy about, but I started my meds (Estrogen) on Thursday and started with the injections and Clomid on Saturday, and then again another 2 injections this morning. Hopefully my body will produce more follies this time round and not just one. We have our Scan on Sunday and I’m trying to be very optimistic about it and will hopefully receive our blood test results which I had done last week.

So I’ll keep you posted!

BAD LUCK!

I have officially decided that yesterday and today was the worst days of this week.

About a month ago, a little sty and infection started to form on my left eye, and when I saw the Dr he gave me some antibiotic and cream to put on, well it never seemed to have gone away. Now about a month later I still had the same bump on my eye which was very irritable and scratchy and last night it just felt like my whole eye was about to fall out. So we decided to go over to our emergency rooms as no Dr’s office is open after 6pm. So at about 7:30 we were at the emergency rooms waiting for the Dr on call to see us.

Off I went into the emergency ward where the Dr saw me, and explained that they would have to make an incision on the eye lid, off cause this would be painful he said, however it something that they would have to do. So they prepared everything and as I was lying there, he made the incision on the left eye lid and squeezed out all the puss. OUCH! Is about all I can say without sounding like the worst sailor ever.

Anyway, as if that wasn’t enough, you see we only left there at about 10pm, which meant that I couldn’t eat anymore. I had some blood works from the Fertility Clinic which I had to go for today and it was suppose to be done fasting. NICE, so bloody nice… Now here is grumpy me, hungry, thirsty and really sore… but I survived.

So on arrival at work, one of my colleagues went with me over to the one clinic close by, we decided to have a walk there as it is about 100 meters from work, nice morning breeze, and what a walk, it was great to be out in the open for a change. Anyway, 10 vials of blood later I walked out of there. We rushed back to work; I got a toasted and coffee, and have never had breakfast so fast in my entire life. I was starving! So Dr testing about everything here are the list (and no official medical explanation but rather my understanding of the test):

1. Glucose fasting (measure the amount of glucose in the blood right at the time of sample collection)
2. Insulin fasting (used, often along with glucose and C-peptide levels, to help diagnose insulinomas and to help diagnose documented acute or chronic (fasting) hypoglycemia)
3. TSII (testing of the Thyroid)
4. Free T4 (Total T4 and free T4 are two separate tests that can help the doctor evaluate thyroid function)
5. FSH (FSH levels are also useful in the investigation of menstrual irregularities and to aid in the diagnosis of pituitary disorders)
6. LH (The LH blood test measures the amount of luteinizing hormone)
7. 17-B Oestradiol (E2) (associated with changes in ovarian steroid levels)
8. Progesterone (measures the amount of the hormone progesterone in a blood sample)
9. Free Testosterone (needed for hormonal balance and to help women’s bodies to function normally)
10. Growth hormones (Growth hormones are the chemical stimulation that initiates cell division, bone growth, and a number of other physical processes within the human body)
11. Prolactin (ordered along with other tests, when a woman is experiencing infertility or irregular menses)
12. Antenatal (Incl. HIV) (testing things like your blood group, Rhesus factor, Iron levels, red blood cell abnormalities, Syphilis, German measles, hepatitis B, and HIV)
13. B-HCG Quantitative (pregnancy test)
14. Phospholipid antibodies (testing antibodies – complications caused by Antiphospholipid Antibody could cause miscarriages)
15. ANF (anti Nuclear factor – is an antibody. The presence of this antibody raises a number of possibilities – positive test possibility of Arthritis, Scleroderma.)

So this is my bit of bad luck these 2 days, and O Yes AF haven’t started yet (which is for some reason a bit odd it normally starts on day 26 of my cycle) but I’ll have to wait for day 28 to arrive as it might be because of the fact that I’m not using any medicine at this moment, so Dr said it could have an impact on this months cycle. Anyway we are waiting for AF to either come (which will be sad, but then we can start the process) or stay away (which will be the ideal, because that will mean that I got it right) so either or, I’m trying to cope everyday with the thoughts that there might be a BFP, but also with the knowing that it actually will take a miracle to have a BFP on our own, but who knows what our little rocky road has in store for us.

Now I’m waiting in anticipation for AF, and my test results… so wish me luck!

OKAY HERE'S SOME FEEDBACK

I really didn’t know how to type up this message. I’m sooooooooooooooooo two minded about everything.

To start off with, we went to see the social worker, which was amazingly calm, almost to calm / relaxed. She took us through the whole adoption process, cost and everything else that goes with it. We had to register at one of the houses they currently work from etc. Then the house returned a mail with the cost estimations on their side and everything that goes with it, and now I feel a bit concerned.

You see, the thing is… even though I think we have made up our minds; there is still a part of us holding on to what we’re currently doing. Yes we could spend this small fortune and adopt, or we could try 2 more IVF’s or what ever is in store for us, we have also not yet considered a surrogate yet, and my sister in law so willingly offered the other day.

I feel a bit torn between all of these decisions, and need some guidance; so I booked an appointment with our IF Clinic and will discuss all our options with them on Friday 12 February 2010. I really hope that after this meeting I’ll be able to walk out and know what we need to do. I totally feel out of control, and I’m normally such an in control person. It just really isn’t making any sense right now. I just don’t know how to make the decision right now, and I hope Friday will give me some direction.

I know there are many of you that have gone through all of these emotions, and have decided the one or the other, and I’ll appreciate your views.

CAN'T WAIT

I am so excited, but still scared!

Why – Tomorrow is our BIG Day. We will be seeing the Social worker and look at our options. It’s still very early in the process and I have read everything I could, I went to my adoptive parents and got some information from them to, so I think we’re prepared, but we’ll know tomorrow. So here is my checks and balances for tomorrow

1. Excited – tick
   
2. got all the info needed for now – tick
   
3. Read all about the laws that was available – tick
   
4. prepare one emotionally – I think this is still not ticked
   
5. Starting our Journey – Priceless  

So hold thumbs and toes…. And enjoy your week!

THE ROAD AHEAD

Well it’s a new year, and with that I suppose all new things start. Looking back at everything we went through so far made me realize that after almost 11 years of marriage we are still alone. Our families have expanded and they have the most stunning boys my one sister in law has 3 and the other 1, and believe me when I tell you, their boys are adorable and truly stunning kids.

Then I look at myself and P, we have not accomplish any pregnancy and it makes me wonder if I will be dying one day and still be alone, and the thought is really unbearable. You know I sit and wonder why this is meant for me. It’s not as if I had the best life ever. My mother gave me, my sister and my 2 brothers up for adoption. They know nothing of me, and I off them. I grew up with lovely adoptive parents and lost my adoptive farther 9 years ago, I truly loved him so much and I think of him daily. Then I got married to the most wonderful guy. Yes we all have our problems but he is really supportive, and so our journey started as we wanted to expand our little family, but so far it’s a journey without luck. I know I will be a good mother, I know P will be the best father, but it now feels like that is one thing that will not become a reality for us, and it makes me sad.

P and I sat down the other night and really had a very good discussion. We were really looking at everything and all the possible ways that we will be able to have our little pink feet in our house. We spoke about Surrogacy, IVF’s and ICSI and so the list just grew. We were talking about everything we will be willing to do and what not, what we want in life, and what not, what we need, and what not, what we will cope with, and what not and… and… and… After this long discussion I think we finally decided, and I’m so glad we have decided together and we had exactly (well most of it) the same needs and thoughts about all of the processes. P and I have begun our process. The process of adopting our little pink feet…

We have made our first official appointment with an Adoption worker and we will be meeting with her on Tuesday 2 February 2010, I feel so many emotions at this stage that I don’t even know where to start. I am so scared, and all that it currently going through my mind is what if’s… yes I know it is still too early, but I am like that. I always try and see all the negatives and positives to every situation.

I don’t know all the laws and processes yet, and look we still have lots to learn, but I believe this is our first step again, and I will have to take it one day at a time whether it’s happy or sad, good or bad, we will get to the end of our journey one day!

If you know anything about the adoption laws and processes in SA, please send me some comments.

I would love to hear from you!

I FEEL BLESSED

O I have to be honest; I am so blessed to have such good hearted and wonderful friends, and the fact that they just know how to lift my spirits just make it so much better. Well that’s the start to this message.

As some of you would have seen from my Facebook status, I had a bit of wishful thinking and that was all it was. I really hoped that this time it would have been the positive I wanted, but then again it was only the first month on my treatment, but then again, how many months am I suppose to wait, how many times am I suppose to test, how many more comments am I suppose to deal with. I just H*te infertility, I know it’s a strong word, but that is how strong I feel about it.

So I you would gather, I have another BFN which I really didn’t need, but while I’m complaining about infertility someone else had to deal with a bigger issue than that, but you know what the worst part of it all was…. It was hubbies’ cold heartedness towards this whole thing. You would think that he might have just felt something this time with me, seeing that he is going through a lot with me, but nothing…. When I told him last night, he came back with arg no… and that was it. Nothing more nothing less!

I really needed some comforting, but that wasn’t an option, nor was talking about it as he kept himself busy outside. Ya and that’s maybe how he deals with it, but I can’t. By now you should think that I must be used to the negative part, but I can’t seem to overcome this feeling of seeing AF or seeing the – it’s just so unfair.

Over and above this whole thing, I read in the newspaper that a guy shot both of his children 2 and 3 years of age, and then shot himself, and that makes me question why I have to battle through life to get pregnant and why these things happen with other. Why is it that young children can fall pregnant in a wink of an eye, and 29 year old me, can’t seem to get that right.

Man, I just don’t feel like a woman right now… I feel so so so much less!

TO TEST OR NOT TO TEST?

Hi There,

Well it has been a while since I last wrote anything, but like I said before my life has become a nightmare with all the work on this side, but in between we’re still planning our family.

Today is actually supposed to be CD1 for me, but my aunt flo still has not arrived. I don’t mind of cause, and am very eager to go home and just buy lots and lots of tests and sit there and test and test and test till I get the positive that I so desperately need, or on the other hand, I feel like just relaxing sitting back and wait for Aunt flo, and if she’s not arrived till day 32 (because I have a 27 day cycle) then maybe get a bit exited and do the test. Either way it’s going to have a positive or negative emotional reaction, but the question is which I am willing to take. Work of cause could be a huge influencing factor, it could just be stress related and that could be why I haven’t started yet, or it could be our homeopathic medicine which could have thrown the cycles off….

I want to… or I don’t want to get my hopes up. I know that a lot of you ladies out there have gone through exactly the same. The emotions run high and you really don’t know which way to turn. I really desperately want this to be my BFP in life….

So do I test, or do I wait for cycle day 28 to pass and see what happens

OUR UPDATE

Hi there,

Well I haven’t really been able to write anything the last couple of weeks or month maybe, but I’ve really been so hectic at work.

Like most of you would know I have changed jobs and the project that I am currently working on takes 24 hours of my day and I just don’t have any more time for myself, even though I try to make time, but hey that’s not what I want to talk about today or shall I say I don’t want to talk about the job.

Well I’ve had a couple of discussions on this side regarding us planning for a bigger family, and was asked to provide more feedback on how it works. I did, however I will not be able to leave the office like I use to, nor will I be able to go as and when I need to. Currently working hours is from 8:15 – 16:30, and there is just no way that I am able to get to a clinic either before or after the hours. So hubby and I debated it for a while, and I know this might seem desperate, but we couldn’t let a whole year pass before we plan again. I mean we really looked through all possibilities, but just couldn’t find a clinic that will be able to assist. So we decided to go to a homeopath again.

I know you might say it’s a waist of time, but I think it brings me peace of mind, and for now that is what I need because I’ll just stress about it if we don’t do anything. I know that I can’t get my hopes up, but somehow I also need to remain positive.

So anyway last night was our first appointment at the homeopath (who is open odd hours… off cause this is great for me) and I enjoyed the experience. When we arrived, we signed in, and then went into her rooms and she did a proper examination on both me and hubby. I got 2 injections on both of my sides, just above my ovaries, and hubby also got 2 injections on the sides…. Nice hey, at least hubby is also going through puncturing… he has never been treated, and this is the first time that he actually gets as much attention as what I’m getting. Obviously he got treated in terms of providing him with a couple of tablets to swallow but that was the only treatment he got. Anyway, after all the injections, blood pressure and sugar test etc we then left the rooms and had to wait in reception while she prepared the medication / herbs for us. We sat there about 45min, and then she came out with a couple of bottles in different bags. To start off with hubby takes some tablets in the morning and at night, he also got some or other syrup which he has to use once a day in the morning, oooo and believe me, the stuff smells terrible. Then we have some tablets for detocs and stress relieves which we both have to use, and off because I got my own. I also got a couple of tablets which I take at night and in the mornings, one of these tablets I have to use from day 1 – 4 and then from day 5 -14 of my cycle I also use a syrup which smells worse that hubbys', and then from day 15 – 28 I use the tablets again… then weekly we’ll be going back for our injections. Well this will continue for about 3 months where after the Dr will decide whether we will change herbs or remain on the existing herbs.

Then off cause I got a lovely cross pendant, which I can wear, and hubby bought me a bracelet as they was selling it from the shop in the wellness centre. The cross was lying with a little prayer, and when we saw it, it made us think that this could be a great reminder for us. It reads:

Our Father, please hear the prayer of this infertile. You know our deepest whishes and desires and most of all the desire of our own little child.

Father guide us in all our choices, give us the blessing of your love, give us the courage and a little one to hold, to love to cherish and care for,

Please dear Father Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to our healthy, beautiful baby, please Father in good time, grant us our new life.

In Christ’s name,

Amen

I really thought this is truly something special for both me and P and the poem truly reflect our prayers and desire, and we believe that we conceive in good time, but sometimes it’s just not so easy to wait for the good time…

So for now ladies and gents, I will not be able to provide you with any information on Clinical / Medical procedures, but I’ll only be able to share what we will be going through moving forward in terms of homeopathic treatment, but I hope that you will still stop by my blog and that I’ll still hear from you.

Well that’s the information from my side for now.

Take care!