28 February 2008
I truly feel worn; I went for a interview today, which was great fun. Even though I feel so over-worked I managed to look at this interview in a positive light. It was one of those funny interviews where one already have the feeling that you have the position, and that it’s merely formality. This made me feel confident again. Confident in what I am worth in the industry, and confident that life is actually not so bad. Work is wearing me out and the hours and stress I have to put up with is just becoming too much, and then I’m not even talking about JHB traffic, which turns out to be a nightmare for me. Getting up in the morning much earlier to get to work, sitting in the traffic, and then get to work… work the day… get back in the car, sit in traffic, get home late and then still stress about my IF problems is just getting to me… Anyway, some lady here at work thought it will be a great idea to spend some time in my office, wanting to get to know her co-worker… which was not such a pleasant discussion. I think I just feel somewhat touchy. A guy stepped into my office and they were talking about the fact that they don’t really manage to get out a lot because of their obligation towards their children, so she asked how old mine were… I wish I could have given her an age, but unfortunately life just doesn’t have it planned for me yet. So you all know how that makes you feel, and she went on and on about her 2 children, how wonderful they are, how she gave birth, how easy it was to get pregnant, how easy she got pregnant with the second child. How wonderful motherhood is, and, and, and… So I feel crappy, I feel that life has let me down, that female-hood has let me down! I just start to wonder all over again why it is that people who don’t want children have then so easily, that children have children so unplanned and that people like me who desperately want a child in my life, are faced with a problem such as IF. Man life could be so unfair.
24 February 2008
As everyone know by now, I am not the most patient person in life, and waiting frustrates me the most. I have always been the type of person that when I put my head to something it must happen quickly, or if I wanted something I didn’t want to wait for it, and… Here I am waiting my life away for details of my own family history. History of my life which I suppose will never be revealed… but I just can’t let it go. I can’t put this to bed; I need to know who my family is. People don’t really understand what one is going through in a search which means so much to you, but so little to the rest. I suppose it is because they’re not in the same little sinking boat as what you are. One will assume that ones husband, and other relatives might understand, but you come to a conclusion very soon, that even though they see what you are going through emotionally, they can never understand what you feel inside. There is a piece of me that was taken away in my life, a piece which I am desperately in search of. I can’t even try to explain how it makes me feel to know that I have 2 brothers and 1 sister out there somewhere, but I think that I was the fortunate one to be able to know that they do exist. Sometimes when I find some quite time away from the rest I sit and wonder how my life would have turned out, if I was lucky enough to have them in my life, or how my life will be if I could only find them. I know that it’s easier said than done, because there might still be resentment. They might not except me as their sister, they might not want to be part of my life and so on and so on… these are stuff that I have heard from so many people that I don’t even want to think about it any more… the only thing that sometimes sit in the back of my mind is the fact that I might hurt them. You see, should I find them, and they don’t know as much as what I know, it could be devastating to them. I might tear their family apart. This is truly the last thing I whish upon anyone, and I know that it is possible, but I feel so torn apart. Why is it such a long road? I’m still waiting for the Private investigator to provide me with feedback. Every now and then I make and courtesy call just to find out if he has found anything, but every time I phone, I get the same answer. I am to hasty these things takes time… time…time… wait…waiting…wait… I just can’t wait anymore. I feel like I have to wait for everything in my life and my patience is running dry… Yet another week of waiting…!
Well, well, well. I had to much hope for the first month. CD1 has arrived, and yes you know the next thing I’ll say is, I am not pregnant yet. I had my hopes up, and with that I truly believed, but no luck. Ferti-boost will be my friend for another month. Anyway, it’s just another trial and error. I don’t know how I should feel anymore, and I feel emotionally drained, but I just have to keep my head above water and keep swimming. Anyway, I requested an opinion from my GP a couple of weeks ago. I asked him to have a look at the results obtained by the lab regarding Pieter and myself. He apparently requested it a while ago, but till now he receives details in drips and drabs. He is unable to obtain all my results at once, so I just have to hang in there and wait. I don’t know why it is that you battle so much to obtain all this information even though you pay for it to be done, over and above all, it’s not as if the details is someone else’s… for peat sakes, it’s mine. I am desperate now, and the more desperate I become to find out what exactly is going on, the more impatient I become… I suppose I need to hang in there…
15 February 2008
Today is officially the 15th day of me and my friend Ferti-boost. I have started using Ferti-boost on the 30th of January. I would have imagined that I will different or feel changes or something, but hey, nothing not the slightest little thing… except for a bit of grumpiness and headaches which I can’t blame on Ferti-boost. I have also got in contact with a Chinese acupuncture place, and will start of with my first acupuncture very soon. I was supposed to go today, but things didn’t work out as planned, so we had to move our appointment. Well there is so much to read about acupuncture, which of cause I have read by now. The people that know me will know that I don’t easily do things without checking every bit of detail first. I have to say, that I am quite exited about it, and for some reason I truly hope that between Ferti-boost and this acupuncture, something will happen. I guess I just hope for a miracle, but miracles do happen. Anyway, thought I’ll share some information on the acupuncture thing: The principles of acupuncture are based on the release of neurotransmitters, like endorphins, that ease pain and threat inflammations, but if headlines are an indication of what’s hot and what not, it’s believed that infertility treatment is a modern day science, which could only be made possible through the courtesy of high-tech medicine and procedures. As good as what this modern day science is, many couples trying to conceive find themselves turning to an age-old treatment, which I’m sure by now you know what I’m talking about… Acupuncture… Mostly women, who have failed one or usually more that one attempt at IVF, will turn to this treatment, either by themselves or by referral by their reproductive specialists. Acupuncture is an ancient Chinese medicine treatment that relies on the painless but strategic placement of tiny needles into a “grid-like” pattern that spans the body, from head to toe. The needles are used to stimulate certain “energy points” believed to regulate mental, emotional, spiritual and physical balance. For many women, it’s often just what the doctor ordered. They say, that “it can allow you to cross the line from infertile to fertile by helping your body function more efficiently, which in turn allows other, more modern reproductive treatments to also work more efficiently” In a study of 160 women published April 2002, in the reproductive journal, a group of German researchers found that adding acupuncture to the traditional IVF treatment protocols substantially increased pregnancy success. In this same study one group of 80 patients received two, 25-minutes acupuncture treatments, one prior to having fertilized embryos transferred and one directly afterwards. The second group of 80, who has also undergone embryo transfer, received no acupuncture treatment. The result: While women in both groups got pregnant, the rate was significantly higher in the acupuncture group 34 pregnancies, compared to 21 in the women who received IVF alone. I suppose it also depends on the underlying cause of your infertility. Whether it’s a male factor (like low sperm count), or it’s a matter of egg quality in women, or whether the woman has blocked fallopian tubes or trouble ovulating. So for a sceptic like me, what is this thing called acupuncture, and how will possibly help infertility? Well apparently for fertility, the needles are placed in energy points linked to the reproductive organs to improve energy flow to those areas. It is still not entirely clear how the technique works, but there is some evidence that it increases the production of endorphins, or brain chemicals that make you feel good and help reduce stress. It may also improve blood supply to the ovaries, which improves their function, and the uterus, which can make it easier to nourish a fetus and reduce the risk of miscarriage. Well for someone as scared as needles as what I am, obviously the next question on my list will be… Is this painful? And it doesn’t matter which webpage you’ll browse all the answers will lead you to NO… Not really. The needles might sting a bit the first time you have it done, only because you don’t know what to expect, but then you get used to it. So for the few of us that do have a needle phobia, don’t automatically dismiss acupuncture… The needles used within acupuncture are both sterile and extremely thin. Most people are surprised to see how thin the needles actually are. They range in width from approximately .14 mm to .30 mm and in length from 15 mm (.5 inch) to 75 mm (3 inches). The most commonly used needle is a 25 mm (1 inch) .25 mm width needle. Generally, they are inserted about 1-3 mm into the body - deeper on fleshy areas such as the buttocks. So based on your diagnosis and style of acupuncture practiced, the initial treatment may use 3 – 10 or even more acupuncture points. So now that I elaborated a bit on this acupuncture thing… the next thing on my mind is what I will expect on my first visit… and boy o boy did I ponder on this for a while. Even though I will be able to provide you with the exact details after my appointment, here is some information I was able to obtain from my acupuncturist. Generally, the first appointment is longer that your follow-up visits which I suppose everyone will think it would be. You will undergo quite a bit of questioning. Some of the practitioners will not treat at all on the first visit, while others have very succinct questions and will begin treating once they have made their diagnosis. The individualization of the treatment is one of the strong points of oriental medicine. Well after the initial questioning or of cause if you have to go for a follow-up visit, your practitioner will form a diagnosis, treatment plan and begin the acupuncture treatment. The initial treatment is fairly conservative to ensure that you are comfortable and to allow your acupuncturist to see how you respond to acupuncture. After the needles are inserted you are usually left to rest for a period of about 10-45 minutes. In some of the styles the needles are inserted quickly and removed immediately and in others they may even be left in for a longer period of time They say that acupuncture is simply one facet, within an acupuncture treatment your acupuncturist may choose to utilize various additional techniques depending on your condition and their training, these may include Electro-acupuncture - the acupuncture needles are stimulated with an electric charge delivered from a machine. This is used often and effectively in patients dealing with pain. Moxibustion - this involves the burning of an herb - Artemisia Vulgaris - either on the top of a needle or on the skin directly. This is used often in patients who are dealing with cold or stagnant conditions such as certain types of abdominal cramps. Cupping - this involves the use of glass or plastic cups which are placed on the body with suction to help remove toxins and muscle tension. They are used often in patients with immune issues such as a cold as well as for pain. Tuina - this is an essentially massage that is targeted towards the meridians and acupuncture points. It is used for a wide variety of conditions. As part of your overall treatment plan, your practitioner may also prescribe lifestyle and dietary changes to help you rebalance your body and mind. Hey that was a mouth full, so let me confirm the details after my session…
10 February 2008
Well let’s just capture everything I have so far, maybe there is something out there that I have not yet considered. Just maybe I’m lucky. Where do I start… okay here we go My mom fell pregnant at a very young age (16), like I said very young. Anyway, she got married to a guy called Mr. J Shakalli in April 1977, and the two of them moved to Cape Town shortly after their marriage. While they were living in Cape Town, my mom and her mother never had any communication during that time, and apparently in 1977 when she fell pregnant, she advised my grandmother that she had a miscarriage. (Which we now know never happened as my sister was born and handed over for adoption in 1977. There are currently no details available for her on files). She and Shakalli had huge marriage problems and got divorced in 1978 by that time she should have been pregnant again with my elder brother Quinton Shakalli who was born 1978. My mother then returned home to her parents, and then met a guy Mr. F Croucamp. They lived together in Secunda and my mother fell pregnant from him. On 3 December 1979, Stefanie Shakalli was born out of wedlock. Mr. Croucamp chose to break off all communications with my mother and did not pay any custody. (My mother handed me over for adoption to my grandmother and father and the adoption took place in 13 January 1981. I was then later adopted by Mr and Mrs De Wet on 29 September 1989. (Mr. De wet was the brother of my mom) My mother met Mr. W Smith, and got married on 27 February 1981. They lived in Johannesburg, she then once again fell pregnant and on 9 May 1981, my youngest brother Hendrik Smith was born. My grandfather, grandmother, uncle, and mother passed on in life, so no one is available to answer all these burning questions in my life.
04 February 2008
Another week has gone by. This weekend was one of those existing but yet tiring. We had my step cousin and his wife over for the weekend, and being the 1st weekend that we have really spend with them away from the rest of the family, we really had the time to get to know them. They have a little boy, very stunning little boy. Then only thing is that going through everything in my life, I found it difficult as his wife was talking about her thinking that she might be pregnant. Yet another little bundle of joy might be added to their family, and I just can’t seem to make it happen. While she was talking of how she felt every morning… how she feels about the 2nd one that might be added and over and above that, my aunts’ brother got married in November and they are also pregnant. About 8 weeks now. All this makes me want to jump up and down, and throw one big tantrum. I just can’t seem to handle it anymore. Why is it that some of us have to go through so much in life to have a baby and for others it just happen. I know that my aunts’ brother mentioned on their wedding that they wanted a honeymoon baby, and in a blink of an eye, there it just happened. Man it feels like I want to pull my hair out. Over and above it all my cousins wife is very ecstatic about herself that might be pregnant, and that was basically all I heard all weekend. I know I have to be happy for them, and believe me I am happy for both. I am happy for the fact that they don’t have to go through what we are, but these ladies has got no idea how difficult it is for someone like me to hear this all weekend long, nor do they have any idea how it makes one feel to hear how easy it was for them, and here you are battling for as long as what you can remember. I just need to snap out of it today, life goes on, and time doesn’t stand still for anyone. So forgive me for the moan and groan, but I just had to vent somewhere.
O Happy day… Well I got home last night, late as usual, due to all the power cuts and robots that are not working, but I suppose I can see it as some quality time with hubby in the car. Anyway, walked in and there it was… the one thing that I have been trying to get my hands on. Ya you guessed right, my adoption file. I eagerly scrolled through the file, as if I will be able to find anything related to my brothers. Knowing that it wouldn’t be there, I still had hope. I truly hoped that someone might have felt sorry for me and maybe just maybe slipped something into the file, my fingers and eyes didn’t want to be as quick as what I would have liked them to be, as I was trying to find the information related to all the riddles I dug-up so far…
01 February 2008
This is a stunning mail I received, from a friend The Limit Is Me By Robin Good One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big advice on the door on which it was written: 'Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the room that has been prepared in the gym'. In the beginning, they all got sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was that man who hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself. The excitement in the gym was such that security agents were ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up. Everyone thought: 'Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!’ One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul. There was a mirror inside the coffin: everyone who looked inside it could see himself. There was also a sign next to the mirror that said: 'there is only one person who is capable to set limits to your growth: it is YOU. You are the only person who can revolutionize your life. You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success. You are the only person who can help yourself. Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your partner changes, when yourcompany changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that you are the only one responsible for your life. 'The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself' Examine yourself, watch yourself. Don't be afraid of difficulties, impossibilities and losses: be a winner, build yourself and your reality. The world is like a mirror: it gives back to anyone the reflection of the thoughts in which one has strongly believed. The world and your reality are like mirrors lying in a coffin, which show to any individual the death of his divine capability to imagine and create his happiness and his success. It's the way you face Life that makes the difference!