24 February 2008

The waiting process

As everyone know by now, I am not the most patient person in life, and waiting frustrates me the most. I have always been the type of person that when I put my head to something it must happen quickly, or if I wanted something I didn’t want to wait for it, and… Here I am waiting my life away for details of my own family history. History of my life which I suppose will never be revealed… but I just can’t let it go. I can’t put this to bed; I need to know who my family is. People don’t really understand what one is going through in a search which means so much to you, but so little to the rest. I suppose it is because they’re not in the same little sinking boat as what you are. One will assume that ones husband, and other relatives might understand, but you come to a conclusion very soon, that even though they see what you are going through emotionally, they can never understand what you feel inside. There is a piece of me that was taken away in my life, a piece which I am desperately in search of. I can’t even try to explain how it makes me feel to know that I have 2 brothers and 1 sister out there somewhere, but I think that I was the fortunate one to be able to know that they do exist. Sometimes when I find some quite time away from the rest I sit and wonder how my life would have turned out, if I was lucky enough to have them in my life, or how my life will be if I could only find them. I know that it’s easier said than done, because there might still be resentment. They might not except me as their sister, they might not want to be part of my life and so on and so on… these are stuff that I have heard from so many people that I don’t even want to think about it any more… the only thing that sometimes sit in the back of my mind is the fact that I might hurt them. You see, should I find them, and they don’t know as much as what I know, it could be devastating to them. I might tear their family apart. This is truly the last thing I whish upon anyone, and I know that it is possible, but I feel so torn apart. Why is it such a long road? I’m still waiting for the Private investigator to provide me with feedback. Every now and then I make and courtesy call just to find out if he has found anything, but every time I phone, I get the same answer. I am to hasty these things takes time… time…time… wait…waiting…wait… I just can’t wait anymore. I feel like I have to wait for everything in my life and my patience is running dry… Yet another week of waiting…!


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