21 January 2008

Just Life

Disappointed… Depressed… Sad… emotional… this list can grow to one endless thing. I can’t even try to explain how I’m feeling inside. In my heart I truly hoped that my luck has changed… but the only luck I have is “UN” luck… or that’s how I feel. Well 21 Jan 2008 was a depressing, emotional day for me. Had to be at the Dr for the results of all the testing, so got up early morning, got totally stuck in traffic, and got to work late… then I thought well, that had to be it for the day. I had at least the bad experience, so the rest of my day must be filled with joy and good things. So at about 9:00 off I go to the Doctor. Unfortunately for me, Hubby couldn’t go with. So I had to be brave and just do this on my own. Got there a bit early, so I had to sit and wait… every lady that came in, smiled and put their heads into one or other book, and never looked up. I was desperate to talk, but there were no one to talk to… It felt like hours passing, but in actual fact it was minutes, anyway, I went through to the consultation room … My heart pounded in my throat as if I was sitting and waiting in the principles’ office. I sat there staring at the traffic and every little bit of chaos on the road, when suddenly doctor came in. “is your husband here” came the question, to which I could only reply no. Well then, out came all the testing stuff, and the big explanations… You see, when a doctor takes out all these things it almost feel like evidence of a crime scene to which they are making a discovery, they start with the good news, and work it down towards the bad. Overall you’re fine… (What a relieve I thought)… but… why always but at the end of any sentence. Anyway, it looks as if I am fine; I once again have to go for 2 more ops. Laparoscopy and Hysteroscopy, but don’t worry, the doctor said, this is for a good cause. Then came my 20 questions, but why, is this preventing us from having children, what is my chance of improving the possibility…. Etc…etc… and the overall answer is… well there is none… you see, overall things might look fine, but you never know what is happening inside… the only thing that worries me a lot is the fact that I have had these things done, and the outcome of it was clean… now once again I have to go. Over and above all this, physically and mentally I’m not prepared to. I just can’t. I know that people might think that this is cheap talk for someone that wants children, but I just can’t go through this now. Well on Hubbies side they want to do another semen analysis, as the current analysis shows that there is a current problem with mobility and quality. He now needs to go back for another test, which I think everyone knows that for a male this must be very traumatic. It’s really not the greatest news for anyone, as no one want to hear that they have any shortcomings. Anyway… this is life… So after the news, I returned to the office and worked like nothing has happened in my life. That evening on our way home I had to explain everything to Pieter (my husband), as I explained everything one could see that there is some worry in his eyes. He was concerned about a lot of things. Luckily I have a very expressive husband, who doesn’t really keep anything back… He then said, he really feels uncomfortable with the feedback, not that we don’t believe that it’s true or not, but he want to try homeopathic meds or maybe just get the input from our General practitioner (GP). So we got home, had load sharing… and then, the mean Mr cold grabbed me with both hands and I landed up in bed with meds. While at the GP’s office, Pieter decided to ask him to check out our results and provide us with his opinion. Anyway, he has now requested the test results, and I need to call to find out what is happening…

1 comment:

  1. Sorry you feeling so down sweetie, I know how hard this is, trust me...we've been there and done that but you will find the strength to carry on.

    I also had to have another lap-scope after my HSG, and altho I thought it was a waste of time (since I'd already had 3) but they found Endo which had been there for a while but was missed by other doctors. The lapscope and hysteroscopy will be done at the same time.

    I think it's important that you try and stick to one Dr, GP aren't always that clued up when it come to infertility and they really do know what they are doing. Take some time to heal now and then decide what you want to do.

    Thinking of you and here if you want to chat.


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