09 January 2008

and the clock is ticking

Another day has pass and so the clock is ticking and we’re getting closer to the 21st. Not as quick as what I would like, but, I must stop wishing for tomorrow, as I would wish my whole life away… I feel so stressed out… nothing seems to go my way, and it is all thanks to the big wait… The thoughts that’s running through my mind is a never ending story, and I can’t seem to focus on any thing else. I have spent my whole day in meetings today. Sitting in these meetings making decision for other people, which seems to be the easiest thing in the world, but why is it that when you need to make your own decisions it is just not that easy. Anyway, I have spent time yesterday on the forum I subscribed to for the fertility stuff, and read up on one of the messages, they have mentioned all the cost involved in all the procedures. Never would one imagine that it could be so expensive to some people to try and fall pregnant, and for the others it just happens naturally. I still think I’m cursed. I am so scared of needles, and operations and stuff, and I have to go through this. You know it is just not an easy thing to try and do alone. Hubby decided that he didn’t want to get the family involved. He wants us to go through this all alone, as he is so scared that they might get their hopes up, and that we wouldn’t be able to deal with the questions and answers afterwards. He feels that it would be easier should nothing happen for us, to just let it go, without anyone knowing, just letting go and keep on saying that we don’t want any children to make it easier to bare with. For me it’s a bit different. I kind of need some support, I know he is suppose to be the one that has to support me, but I just can’t share everything with him. He is very set in his ways, and sometimes it just feels that I overcomplicate things, and he gets easily upset about it. Maybe he is as scared as what I am, and just doesn’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know. I tried to explain some of the procedures to him yesterday afternoon while driving home just to prepare both of us for things that might still come our way. Preparing us for the financial and emotional side of thing, which I still think wasn’t the best thing to do… for him its cast in stone type of thing, you either can or you can’t. If you can’t then it’s easy, you move on with your life, and if you can, now what is stopping you. He doesn’t really want to hear about all the other nitty gritties that bugs me so much daily. For hubby it’s all about wait and hear before you speak to me, and for me it’s all about what if? This is just another day… counting down to the 21st

1 comment:

  1. Shame sweetie,

    You're not cursed. I understand why you feel like that. Life is tought on you, and you're brave to do this.


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