25 March 2009

What a Mess!

Today is one of those days where I regret everything. Have you ever had one of those days? P and I had one hell of a fight last night, and really about petty stuff. I can’t believe that I stooped so low to attack him back after he really said some stuff that hit home, but which truly did hit deep. Why is it that sometimes one says or do stuff that you regret later. I know that you are suppose to place a guard in front of your mouth and watch what you say, but hey I was one hell of a b*tch last night. P was in one of his moods yesterday, and I’ll normally deal with his temper and stuff, but for one reason last night was just one of those nights where I just couldn’t keep anything for myself anymore, and I lashed out. I said everything I wanted so say for so long, and over and above it all, I said the meanest thing…. You see, during our time at the previous clinic, P really didn’t go through everything I did but most of the time I had to attend my appointments, testing, operations and just everything by myself. I know that he tried to be there, but every time something was scheduled it just turned out that he wasn’t there. The one time with my HSG I asked my sister in law to accompany me, because I knew how I’ll feel, cause I normally feel invaded and very emotional, then P confirmed that I must cancel with my sister in law as he will be with me, when the day arrived, he suddenly had to go into work and I was all on my own… Yesterday P again had so many excuses about when sessions are to be scheduled, how long in advance and and and, but it really felt as if he wasn’t considering me. It really just felt as if P wanted everything to revolve around him, and as he was just going at me, I totally lost it. Sometimes it feels that I am being punished for things I did in my life, or that I’m not blessed with a child yet because of our fights, and today as I sit here writing this, I feel terribly sad. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I don’t know how to deal with the situations and I feel so emotional… most of all I need someone who understand what I’m going through, and I just feel alone today…


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