30 July 2008

Not so good news

Today was a very hectic day. A day full of surprises, heartache and emotions… Well Pieter had to go back to the specialist who has seen him about 5 years ago for his knee which gave him some trouble. After the operation he had 5 years ago, pain started to creep back into his life, and eventually it became such a issue that I decided to make an appointment with the specialist. Which I think was the best thing I would have done. Anyway, we came in early morning so that we will be able to do what ever needed to be done at work prior to leaving for the appointment. I decided to go for a ear test, seeing that I know that my left ear has been giving me issues since I was a teenager, but never to any extend that I had to get anything for it. Every now and then, lets’ just say once a year, I needed to go back to have my ears checked due to family problems. So eventually we left work, and off we went to the doctors rooms for the knee and for my test. So while Pieter was waiting to see the doctor, I ducked out to go see the Hearing testing centre. Well there I was, sitting in the reception room which were very cold, no people around. I guess not everyone would think of having their ears checked out ever so now and again. So the Doctor came in, she took me to the testing room and explained the procedure which we will follow… Now off I went into a little in fined space, with a seat a little window, lots of earpieces and a door that closes to close to you that anybody will become cluster phobic. First we started with the right ear, and while I was waiting for these little sounds to creep through and push this button every time I have heard the sound, I was watching her every move through this window. Every now and then she will look up and give me a smile. Mmm what was the smile all about…? So you have the high pitched sounds, then a bit of lower pitched, then funny other in between pitched sound and obviously every sound comes through with a different tone… so there I was pushing this little button, 1, 2, 3, 4…etc, then the other ear which is the left, and as these sound comes through she is making funny looking circles on a piece of paper, well not that I have any choice I wanted to have it tested. So there I was 1, 2, 3, and 4 and so it continued. After the first set of testing, she came around, opened the door and said that she will be putting on a new piece of equipment that translate the sound through the bone of your skull, just behind the ear, so once again I had to sit and press this little button every time I hear the slightest bit of the sound… It almost feels as if your brain is playing tricks on you, as suddenly you hear funny sounds and very fainted sounds and your not sure whether this is the actual sound or is this just your ears singing… anyway, after the testing once again she comes around, then added another piece of equipment onto this thing, which now makes a whoosh sound, like white noise in the one ear and they would test the opposite ear… This is truly not fun, the more I hear the whoosh the less I hear the sound; well it can’t be that bad because I hear the sound… So after she has tested both ears, around she came, and took off all these things that made me look like one or other escaped alien, and took me through to anther room, for the feedback. Hey at least I am prepared, cause I know that the left ear is giving issues, so if she mentioned that I might go deaf in the left ear, I already know… so in she came… Our conversation started with her telling me that her receptionist is also deaf, and that she wears a little device in both of her ears, which enables her to hear. (Ya right I though, so what does this have to do with me) I hear fine, just very soft things is an issue… then she continued, that the receptionist can’t hear anything unless she wears the devices and that it is truly a big change for once family to get use to this change. So I thought, okay once again I’m not deaf. She moved over, took out a box of tissues and took one from the box as if she wanted to use it, but she left the box on the table. Well she said, people who can hear normally between 1 – 20 decibels, but for me I only start hearing on about 45 – 50, and she is sorry to say, but I have lost some hearing. So ya I knew that hearing has been lost in my left ear, so what’s the big fuss, but she continued, you have lost a lot of your hearing in both ears! HELL WHAT? She continued… you will have to start wearing a hearing aid in both of your ears, and all I could think of was the fact that I might not be able to hear soon… She continued, the hearing aid will be able to assist you in such a way that you might be able to hear between the decibel ranges people with no hearing disability, however, this will depend on how your system deteriorates over time, and you might loose more than what you have already lost. The device has the ability to rapid process data, reduce noise, directionality for speech intelligibility, compressor for natural sound reproduction and it will not be completely visible. The hearing aids will be fitted into the ear canal, and only a slight piece might show from the ear. And while she is rambling off what the stupid device can do, I was crying my eyes out… I just couldn’t get the thought of not being able to hear out of my mind. I knew I never must have had the ears test, I knew, I knew… i started asking the stuff that was coming to mind, will I hear my baby if they cry… will I hear my family when they talk, will I be able to hear sounds like music… she started explaining that it will be a learning process for my body to get use to the piece of equipment, that I might not loose more hearing that I will be able to hear a baby if they are next to me, that children who speaks softly I might not be able to hear, I will be able to listen to music, but when someone talks while I listen to music, I will not hear them, that they would have to get my attention first… and so it just went on and on… until she said, you might not hear by the age of 40 and even sooner. So how in life will I manage, how will I hear if my child is speaking to me, how will I still be able to have the fun I have now, how will I be able to do the work that I’m suppose to do on a daily basis, I don’t think I will! How will I communicate, unless someone knows sign language, to communicate back? How will I facilitate any work session? I’m not going to make it, I’m not, and I’m not… Why…why is this happening… Happening to me… why me… So I grabbed all the stuff she had put in front of me, and I started walking out… now I had to go back while Pieter was waiting to see the Specialist, I need to sit there and face this with a smile still in tacked. Till such time I’ll be able to talk about it

1 comment:

  1. Hey sweetie Pie, remember everything happens for a reason. We don't always know why, but the reason exists. Hang in there! I know you will fight the feeling and get on top of it all.

    Have faith!


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