Quick weekend note

Another weekend has gone by, and so we’re back at work. Monday, comes with all its beauty and I don’t feel up to anything today. My cousins little boy turned 2 yesterday, and they had a braai for his birthday. This turned out to be great fun. I haven’t seen all my family in a while, and this was really a time for us to get together like families should. The weather didn’t really work for us, as it started raining, but everything still turned out nice. We had such a great day, that we only left their place about 9 Last night. On our way home, there was a huge vehicle accident at one of the intersections, which had the cars backed-up for hours. Pieter got out of the car to find out how long we will still be stuck, to which we got the answer of another 2 hours, by that time, it was already 10:45. Anyway, we made a u-turn and went another route. Thank you GPS, you saved us once again. Cause without that little gadget we would have been lost, or would have had to sit in the pileup. So after our little detour, we got home about 12:46 this morning. Got into bed, and slept for a couple of hours. The clock was set for 4:30 this morning and eventually when it went of, it really didn’t feel as if I had any sleep, but once again life goes on. I just had to get up, get dressed and get to work. So another day at work started, and I feel sick, tired and really exhausted, but I suppose a good nights rest will resolve the issue. So tonight I’ll be in bed bright and early.

BFN

Greatness me, I suppose most of us is in need of another weekend to recover from this one. What a weekend, not that we have done as much as what we normally would have done, but it was still nice. Anyway, I wanted to let you know, that I can officially count another BFN (Big fat negative) on my charts. Yes you’re reading correct. I am not pregnant. So with that, I’ll close the thoughts for today, as I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions. Have a great week.

Easter wish

Good morning, I want to wish you all reading my blog, a wonderful Easter. If you are going away for the Easter holiday, please drive safely, and for those staying at home enjoy your time.

Keep well, and come back safely.

Truth

Good morning all you wonderful people… What a day, I’m so glad the rainy weather is gone; it really makes me feel all chirpy again… Anyway, I went to see the doctor last night. Just couldn’t wait anymore. I really stressed about the results, and as you know a whole lot of negative thoughts clutters your brain, but not everything is bad. Well let me give you the update for NOW. For NOW, the blood test is positive. Which means…? Yes… Yes… I’ll be a mommy soon, but… aaaa doesn’t the “but” just de-motivates you… but the test that they have done regarding the ovulation, shows that I’m not ovulating. I know exactly what question pops up in your mind, how could I be pregnant if I don’t ovulate, and why didn’t the lab pick it up… Well doctor got all the previous results of all the blood test that has been done, and we have never done an ovulation test. So no one has ever testing whether I ovulate or not, and now the test shows that I’m not, but the pregnancy test also shows that I’m pregnant. I will have to go back for another blood test to see whether I am officially pregnant within 2 weeks, as they will then be able to confirm. If I am not pregnant, doctor will put me on some meds to sort out the ovulation thing and we will then wait and see what happens. If I am, I’ll let you know, but for now, it’s another 2 week wait. Have a supper day, and enjoy your Easter… If you are going away for Easter, drive safely, and for those who will spend time at home hope you have a wonderful time. And Enjoy the valuable time you have with your loved once…

The moment

Well doctor has officially phoned me, but don't get excited. No news. So is no news good news? He decided that I have to go to his office, so I need to make an appointment and go see him. I am a nervous wreck. Why is it that he can’t give me the information on the phone, why do I have to go see him… I stress… I stress… Well I’ll keep you posted, as soon as I know

Is no feedback Good feedback?

Hi there, I want to make use of this opportunity to thank you all who forward me comments and mails; I really do appreciate your support. Well, I’m sure that you all are waiting in anticipation for the big ANSWER! Sorry girls, no feedback yet. I phoned the doctors offices this morning to enquire, but due to the other blood test also being done, they don’t have any feedback yet. I suppose we will all have to hang on this little thread… hang in there, and wait for that promising call!

Promised update on work offer and more

And so another week begins. I have promised you all an update on my work offer. Well here it goes. They say the grass is always greener on the other side, and it sure looks that way, but when you’re standing on a crossroad what makes you decide which road to take, there are about 4 different routes, and only one route that are meant for you… Well I got the most stunning offer from a telecommunications company. You see, a while ago I decided to put my curriculum vitae in the market, as I wanted a new challenge, and to my surprise this company has phoned me for an interview for a Project manager position. When I arrived for the interview it was the most comfortable interview I have had in my whole working career. I got there; we did the interview outside on their patio, overlooking the most stunning piece of earth I have seen in a very long time, anyway… I would be working at project manager in the business environment for about 4 months after which I will be moving over to their international projects… This is just amazing, what an excellent opportunity. I left there with the happiest feeling… I couldn’t have imagined that I will feel this way. I felt like a girl that got a new toy or something… and so I had to wait for the official contract / letter of appointment, and… So the day arrived when I received the letter, but… as this day arrived, I was standing at that crossroad I have been talking about. You see, in the time I have been waiting for this letter to come my way, something else has already surfaced… to my surprise though… I went to see the GP like I told you all on Wednesday 12 March 2008 and to my surprise Dr asked me to do a urine sample for him… I first asked why? He told me to just go do it quickly. I went, and on my way back I handed the thingy to him and off he went. After a while Dr returned and said, Negative… Negative? What is negative I asked. He said ALL the symptoms I show, and the internal examination everything shows that I am pregnant, except for the urine test that shows negative. I’m stunned… what the? I guess I have your attention now, don’t I? Anyway, Dr asked me to do a few more test including a pregnancy blood test on Sunday 16 March 2008, which I have done yesterday, and now I suppose I have to wait and see… Anyway, on the job thing…. I thought about it long and hard, and even though the offer is stunning, I’m just not in the position to take it at this point in time, so instead I had to stay on the straight long road. Maybe I’ll be able to take my left turn at my crossroad on another day.

What a wait

Sjoe, this waiting this is just not for me… I just feel so out of touch. And so I picked up the phone tried to phone the PI again, and the phone keeps on being engaged… engaged… engaged… can it really be such a mission to get hold of someone. I wonder if people really understand what it does to a person who is really searching for those very special people in their lives, to wait, wait for all the answers to a maze or one hell of a riddle… Sometimes when I sit back and think about the day when we could actually meet, my tummy turns. I know that that day will be the greatest day in my life; however, will it be in theirs. I don’t even know whether they know that they have been adopted, and what that will do to their adoptive families. I am so desperately looking, that I will forget what this could do to a family, but I would not be able to let it go. How does one let go of the only family that you might still have, how do you let go of the fact that you have brothers and a sister, how do you forget about blood family and just turn away. I’m just not in the position to let go yet. Anyway…the phone stopped being engaged, my heart skipped a beat and I really sommer feel ill… and now, I’m stuck on a message system and have to wait my turn… hold… hold… hold… and eventually there I go through. Well there is currently an application to the minister to reveal particular information, should they accept the application I would be in a position to obtain more information regarding my sibling… And there the sock of my life… This will take approximately 5 MONTHS to get the answer back. Don’t you just hate process? When a process is suppose to work it doesn’t, and when you don’t want it to work, it works so well that there is just no other alternative… so I hate the process, the wait, and the fact that I normally get my way quick and now have to wait is just so FRUSTRATING… Anyway, I thought I’ll share my frustration today! I STILL HATE PROCESS

Sick as a dog

Hi, hi… Well today is not one of my best days, nor was yesterday… the weekend was fun though. We went over to a old school friend of mine for a braai, and had a wonderful time. Saturday was the wedding… the bride looked wonderful, as every bride looks; when they start to walk down the isle you get this huge lump in your throat. Anyway, the evening was also very special, and they really made a lot of effort to let there guest feel at home. At about 2 the morning, everyone crashed in the guesthouse we were sleeping at, and guess what… I got very little sleep. Sunday started of well, we returned from the wedding, very drowsy as we didn’t have a lot of sleep, got home and had to entertain my friend and her family, as well as my family in law. We made a potjie, which turned out to be a very pleasurable day. We jumped into the swimming pool boots and all, and those who didn’t just got thrown in. So Monday came, got up very nauseous. Had a bit of coffee, which weren’t one of the greatest ideas. I got to work, tried some breakfast, which didn’t work well with the tummy, and just left the food thing for someone who can appreciate it. And so Tuesday arrived in all its glory… a super nice day, with a bit of rain, but Stefanie is still not feeling well. I still can’t keep food down, and coffee makes me feel even worse. The only thing that upsets me the most is that once you feel like this everyone’s got their own little opinion, and as you would guess, ya everyone would say your pregnant. Thought about it though, went home last night and actually did a home test, which came out with a HUGE dark negative line, so I guess its suppose to be something else. Something in the air, something I ate or drank, who knows? I just feel crappy.

Confused message

Have you ever had one of those days, where you want to cry, laugh and speak at the same time…? Well today is one of those days for me… I want to be happy, I need to laugh, but at the same time I want to cry my eyes out. I feel sad, sad about how things are turning out in my life. I need to speak, speak to anyone who wants to listen, but I just can’t find the words to tell them what’s going on… I need someone close, someone who understands… Who understand ME! Dr phoned me for the second time in a week, they urgently need to see me regarding all my tests. My heart is skipping a beat, my mouth feels dry, and my body is in shock… What is out there… what is awaiting me? Emotionally I don’t always think that I am up to more heartache, I can’t deal with more disappointment… I can’t deal with any more fights, worries or disappointments’. But I guess that’s life... On a bit lighter note, I feel exited… I got a new offer which means soon I’ll be working somewhere else, and this could release some of the frustration and tension I need to put up with. I have also found myself again… I actually realised that I’m not old yet, and that life has actually a lot in store for me, and that you just have to keep your head high, because there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s strange how your priorities could become all skew when you have your mind set on only one thing. Well I believe that I have set my priorities straight again... I’ll live as if today is my last day, and enjoy every moment, and let these moments take my breath away. Love as if I have loved and gotten hurt before, and most of all I’ll keep my friend close, and my enemies so much closer… Have fun!

Preaching

Well here we are 5 March 2008 has officially arrived and no news yet. I’m going crazy. Being the type of person who loves to be on top of all, I feel so out of it. I suppose all good things come to those who wait, but patience is not one of my good trades… I thought that I’ll focus on a little message to all adoptees’ today, wanna sound like a lecturer, seeing that I know some of the stuff, as I go through this daily We all may have a great desire to find our biological family, after you find out that you have been adopted. It normally doesn’t matter how we find out, let me tell you, we have no need to be ashamed about the fact that we have been adopted, as we don’t have any control of what had happened, and be sure that there could have been nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening. One thing is for sure, you must never reject your adoptive family, they are the people who stood by us all those years, and they guided us, and moulded us into what we have become today. Talk to them about the fact that you are in need to find your biological family, they might and most probably will feel rejected, but assure them that you will never exchange them for your biological family. Let them know you love them, and that they are your family. I need to tell you… once you open this can of worms, you can never turn back. Take it from me, I am in search of my biological brothers and sister for a couple of years already, with no luck so far, but the more you find the more you dig… the more you dig, the more riddles you find… the more riddles you solve, the more hurtful it becomes, and so the whole list can grow and grow… I need to run, enough preaching for today. I’m phoning that PI today… I just can’t sit here and waiting for information anymore… I need to take action, and start tracing them myself again… It almost felt that by searching myself I got information much faster than waiting for anyone else. TA for today!

A message by George Carlin

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate. A Message by George Carlin: The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less. These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Have a stunning day!

Show time emotions

Hey its Randfontein show time… this is really a time for me to spend some quality time with my family and friends. My cousin and his wife was here again, they came through from Secunda on Friday morning… well let me tell you, emotions ran high again. She’s officially also not pregnant as mentioned in a previous message. Even though she was telling everyone that they are planning and that it has to happen as she longs for another child. Anyway, they came through like I said on Friday… Friday was a very quite day. My sister-in-law and I were on our way searching for some spinning gear, as we started exercising… We had a lekker braai for the evening which was great… Saturday… Ya Saturday was show time… lots of stalls, lots of entertainment, rugby and of cause the Beer tent. We had such a ball, myself and my cousin danced on the rugby felt… mmm a shark with a bull… well the comments was flowing because a shark danced with a bull, but who cares, it was fun, everyone that passed us had something to say about either the sharks or bulls. Then we landed up in the beer tent, where they had a DJ for the day… my cousin and I was dancing in the front every now and then… We had a young group of people who were giving my poor cousin some snotty comments because they thought he was gay, but all in all we had loads of fun. There was even a not so straight guy who was chasing me around the tent because he wanted to dance… Have you ever seen someone run faster and longer than Forrest Gump…? Well if not, you should have seen Stefanie run… For the evening we had to continue the great fun for which we went out to bundu-inn, and danced some more, which turned out to be an evening of fights and unnecessary jealousy. Sometimes I wonder why people turn out to be so possessive; I always believed that jealousy is a vicious illness, and some ladies use their children to ensure that they either stay married or just to get back at their husbands. I just can’t believe that some ladies will actually use a poor child for their own gain. This really upsets me terribly. Enough of that because I will just loose myself in such a discussion, anyway the evening out really did me wonders, I felt myself, something I really didn’t feel for a very long time. Between all the struggles wit IF I lost myself in the spinning world of IF… which I know is not such a great space to be in, but for some reason I just could get myself out of the slump of not being on the motherhood side. We got home eventually about 3 Sunday morning, and decided to have a braai, while my poor cousin was struggling to rub a pulling mussel out my calf, which didn’t seem to work. Even though he managed to relieve some pain, the morning when I got up, it was still pulling… but such is life. Anyway, Sunday was a very quiet day. All the people left early morning, and hubby and his brother went over to my in-laws to work on the “bakkie”… then we went out for supper, and we were able to spend quality time as a family, and regain our strength for the week… all in all we had about 6 hours of sleep for the weekend, and had to regain strength somehow. I have to say, I feel tired and torn down, but on the other hand, I also feel healthy and positive about my life… I seem to have had a great weekend, and found myself again. So, on a positive note I can end this message and say… GIRLS Stefanie is back!