PARTY TIME 5 DEC 2009

Hi there,

Okay so I thought I will share a bit of what is happening in my life at the moment…

The BIG BIG 30, is on its way, just a couple of days to go and then I’ll be in my dirty thirties

So while this is happening, on the 5^th of December I’ll be married for 11 years as well.

P and I decided that we will plan a bit of a family and friend gathering, which initially started off very rocky, as one of my projects consumed most of my time and I really didn’t have any time to spend on these arrangements. I phoned so many venues, caterers and decorators, that I really didn’t keep track of everyone I spoke to. Never the less I didn’t seem to find someone that I could really say met everything I was looking for. There are stunning venues, the problem for me was that most of the food, décor etc turned out to be close to 100% the look and feel of a wedding, and this off cause was something I really didn’t want. I didn’t want to have a wedding all over again, nor do I want to have that same look and feel. Sherry fountains were out, sit down meals was out, draping and lighting was the least bit on my mind.

So anyway, after speaking to this one venue that actually did a lot of investigation she came up with a wonderful idea, however the amount I had to pay to entertain 70 guests was so ridiculous. How can you pay approximately R800 per person and that excludes dessert and drinks.

The alternative was to just do it myself.

So ya that’s where I am, I am planning a 30^th and anniversary party for the 5^th of December, and all but 9 guests will make it, which means I have 61 people to entertain the night. The food has been arranged, the drinks, the snacks, the venue, the welcome drink punch and the best of all, the music. Of cause nothing like a wedding, it’s a braai, salads, pot breads, proper snacks and hopefully lots of fun. I’m feeling a bit more relieved now that all the payments and planning has been completed, and now all I have to do is pick up a few stuff on the Saturday and bobs your uncle! Then we still had to plan for all the family to sleep over, and no one really wanted to be pushed into a guest house. So the idea is that most of them will fit into the house, and the youngsters will then camp out in the yard (ha youngsters… I don’t feel that old to be called old) and then I have my dear best friend also sleeping over. I’m so glad she is able to make it!

Okay then hubby decided last night that it’s perfect timing for us to not camp out in tents anymore (Which by the way I liked, because it seemed to have a very relaxing effect on me) but he then wanted to buy a Caravan. So off to the dealer we went last night after looking at the one caravan on the internet, he especially came and unlocked it for us at 18:00 last night, and we so loved the one. So we officially paid the holding deposit, and will be able to collect and pay the balance on Saturday next week (Which of cause is the day of the party), then we have to wait for 5 days and off we go camping for a full 9 days…. YIPPY!

This is what is happening in my life at this time in a nutshell.

Hope to write back soon

I FEEL BLESSED

O I have to be honest; I am so blessed to have such good hearted and wonderful friends, and the fact that they just know how to lift my spirits just make it so much better. Well that’s the start to this message.

As some of you would have seen from my Facebook status, I had a bit of wishful thinking and that was all it was. I really hoped that this time it would have been the positive I wanted, but then again it was only the first month on my treatment, but then again, how many months am I suppose to wait, how many times am I suppose to test, how many more comments am I suppose to deal with. I just H*te infertility, I know it’s a strong word, but that is how strong I feel about it.

So I you would gather, I have another BFN which I really didn’t need, but while I’m complaining about infertility someone else had to deal with a bigger issue than that, but you know what the worst part of it all was…. It was hubbies’ cold heartedness towards this whole thing. You would think that he might have just felt something this time with me, seeing that he is going through a lot with me, but nothing…. When I told him last night, he came back with arg no… and that was it. Nothing more nothing less!

I really needed some comforting, but that wasn’t an option, nor was talking about it as he kept himself busy outside. Ya and that’s maybe how he deals with it, but I can’t. By now you should think that I must be used to the negative part, but I can’t seem to overcome this feeling of seeing AF or seeing the – it’s just so unfair.

Over and above this whole thing, I read in the newspaper that a guy shot both of his children 2 and 3 years of age, and then shot himself, and that makes me question why I have to battle through life to get pregnant and why these things happen with other. Why is it that young children can fall pregnant in a wink of an eye, and 29 year old me, can’t seem to get that right.

Man, I just don’t feel like a woman right now… I feel so so so much less!

TO TEST OR NOT TO TEST?

Hi There,

Well it has been a while since I last wrote anything, but like I said before my life has become a nightmare with all the work on this side, but in between we’re still planning our family.

Today is actually supposed to be CD1 for me, but my aunt flo still has not arrived. I don’t mind of cause, and am very eager to go home and just buy lots and lots of tests and sit there and test and test and test till I get the positive that I so desperately need, or on the other hand, I feel like just relaxing sitting back and wait for Aunt flo, and if she’s not arrived till day 32 (because I have a 27 day cycle) then maybe get a bit exited and do the test. Either way it’s going to have a positive or negative emotional reaction, but the question is which I am willing to take. Work of cause could be a huge influencing factor, it could just be stress related and that could be why I haven’t started yet, or it could be our homeopathic medicine which could have thrown the cycles off….

I want to… or I don’t want to get my hopes up. I know that a lot of you ladies out there have gone through exactly the same. The emotions run high and you really don’t know which way to turn. I really desperately want this to be my BFP in life….

So do I test, or do I wait for cycle day 28 to pass and see what happens

One Lovely Blog Award

I have 15 Lovely Blog awards to bestow upon a few bloggers, a blog award I received from Are we there yet. Thank you very much for this blog award.

Now without any further ado, this is the rules and my list of deserving bloggers:

Rule 1: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

Rule 2: Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered

Rule 3: Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award

In no Particular order the 15 Lovely Blogs I have recently discovered

1. We got hitched -http://eileenburnsjin.blogspot.com/
2. Everyone else but me - http://everyoneelsebutme.blogspot.com/
3. The Journey to 40 and Beyond... - http://portraitsinsepia.blogspot.com/
4. All Grown Up... - http://www.allgrownuptoo.blogspot.com/
5. A woman my age - http://awomanmyage.wordpress.com/
6. Mommy Someday - http://mommysomeday.wordpress.com/
7. No Lingerie Here... - http://braziers.blogspot.com/
8. A Page in my book - http://moonnstarmommy.blogspot.com/
9. Back into the Fire - http://kittyquilt.wordpress.com/
10. Diary of a Stork Stalker - http://storkstalker.blogspot.com/
11. Hoping for our own peanut - http://terobertson.blogspot.com/
12. This time around - http://thistimearound-infertility.blogspot.com/
13. Whishing 4 one - http://wishing4one.blogspot.com/
14. Last American girl standing - http://lastamericangirlstanding.blogspot.com/
15. Learning to let go - http://jenteresa.blogspot.com/

OUR UPDATE

Hi there,

Well I haven’t really been able to write anything the last couple of weeks or month maybe, but I’ve really been so hectic at work.

Like most of you would know I have changed jobs and the project that I am currently working on takes 24 hours of my day and I just don’t have any more time for myself, even though I try to make time, but hey that’s not what I want to talk about today or shall I say I don’t want to talk about the job.

Well I’ve had a couple of discussions on this side regarding us planning for a bigger family, and was asked to provide more feedback on how it works. I did, however I will not be able to leave the office like I use to, nor will I be able to go as and when I need to. Currently working hours is from 8:15 – 16:30, and there is just no way that I am able to get to a clinic either before or after the hours. So hubby and I debated it for a while, and I know this might seem desperate, but we couldn’t let a whole year pass before we plan again. I mean we really looked through all possibilities, but just couldn’t find a clinic that will be able to assist. So we decided to go to a homeopath again.

I know you might say it’s a waist of time, but I think it brings me peace of mind, and for now that is what I need because I’ll just stress about it if we don’t do anything. I know that I can’t get my hopes up, but somehow I also need to remain positive.

So anyway last night was our first appointment at the homeopath (who is open odd hours… off cause this is great for me) and I enjoyed the experience. When we arrived, we signed in, and then went into her rooms and she did a proper examination on both me and hubby. I got 2 injections on both of my sides, just above my ovaries, and hubby also got 2 injections on the sides…. Nice hey, at least hubby is also going through puncturing… he has never been treated, and this is the first time that he actually gets as much attention as what I’m getting. Obviously he got treated in terms of providing him with a couple of tablets to swallow but that was the only treatment he got. Anyway, after all the injections, blood pressure and sugar test etc we then left the rooms and had to wait in reception while she prepared the medication / herbs for us. We sat there about 45min, and then she came out with a couple of bottles in different bags. To start off with hubby takes some tablets in the morning and at night, he also got some or other syrup which he has to use once a day in the morning, oooo and believe me, the stuff smells terrible. Then we have some tablets for detocs and stress relieves which we both have to use, and off because I got my own. I also got a couple of tablets which I take at night and in the mornings, one of these tablets I have to use from day 1 – 4 and then from day 5 -14 of my cycle I also use a syrup which smells worse that hubbys', and then from day 15 – 28 I use the tablets again… then weekly we’ll be going back for our injections. Well this will continue for about 3 months where after the Dr will decide whether we will change herbs or remain on the existing herbs.

Then off cause I got a lovely cross pendant, which I can wear, and hubby bought me a bracelet as they was selling it from the shop in the wellness centre. The cross was lying with a little prayer, and when we saw it, it made us think that this could be a great reminder for us. It reads:

Our Father, please hear the prayer of this infertile. You know our deepest whishes and desires and most of all the desire of our own little child.

Father guide us in all our choices, give us the blessing of your love, give us the courage and a little one to hold, to love to cherish and care for,

Please dear Father Grant that my body may conceive and give birth to our healthy, beautiful baby, please Father in good time, grant us our new life.

In Christ’s name,

Amen

I really thought this is truly something special for both me and P and the poem truly reflect our prayers and desire, and we believe that we conceive in good time, but sometimes it’s just not so easy to wait for the good time…

So for now ladies and gents, I will not be able to provide you with any information on Clinical / Medical procedures, but I’ll only be able to share what we will be going through moving forward in terms of homeopathic treatment, but I hope that you will still stop by my blog and that I’ll still hear from you.

Well that’s the information from my side for now.

Take care!

A LITTLE NOTE FROM ME

Hi there you all, Apologies for not being able to write anything these days. Like some of you would know, I have changed jobs recently, and from that move I landed up in a major project which takes up all of my free time at work as well as home free time, but I'm not complaining as I truly enjoy the job that I have now... I will try and make some time during the week to post something decent. Enjoy the week ahead

LOVE X 7

Yippy… yippy, I’ve got my first Blog award from Emma over at http://aksapphire.blogspot.com/ thank you very much The rules of accepting this award are simple: list seven things you love, and pass the award to seven bloggers you love. Well here it goes

• I love my Husband

Well I believe that I don’t even need to explain this, but I want to. Even though he isn’t always the most understanding, loving or emotional person he is my life. I can’t imagine my life without him. I would never have imagined that we would have gelled this well, we met when I was in Grade 8, and we’re still together today. I love him to bits…

• My family and friends

Every family does have their ups and downs, but hey have been so supportive in times that I really needed them; they also understood when I pushed them aside and never questioned me while I did that.

• I love my 2 Dogs

They are so sweet, they’re like children in our home, and now that it’s so cold and wet, they even spend time indoor… Shame even hubby feels sorry for them needing to be outside!

• My Job

I really love what I do, Project Management is truly the one thing I’ve ever done, which I have no regrets of. It gives me opportunity for growth and it gives me opportunity to be myself.

• Cell phone

I just can’t go without my cell; I’m always on the phone, talking, sms, mms or emailing someone. I get my mails on my phone and love it, and am always available…

• Entertaining

There is no greater time to entertain. I just love entertaining people. We always have something up our sleeves, always have family and friends over, and arrange something weird every now and then… well just like this… we had a “malete” dressed as hobos, and it turned out to be great fun

• Being me

I know that a lot of people have issues with themselves, and so do I, but I love being me. I love living the life I have, being able to be the positive, sparkling me! I love having the family and friends I have, the home I live in and just being able to stand up in the morning, hearing the birds chirp, being able to walk, and talk and at the end of the day, being able to go home, to a place that I adore (because I did the decorating) and it’s mine!

• and now for the 7 Blogs I love (in no particular order)

http://babymakingoneohone.blogspot.com/ http://everythinggiveneverythinggone.blogspot.com/ http://in-due-time.blogspot.com/ http://katery.wordpress.com/ http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com/ http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com/ http://flower1908.blogspot.com/
That's it from me, no you have a great day!

WHY OH WHY AGAIN

I want to thank everyone who left messages, held thumbs and who were there for me, but once again the blood works came back, and I can officially mark another BFN on my chart. I really wished that this time it would happen for us, but it didn't. So I’m stopping all the meds today, and now await AF...

NEW HAIRS

Well, as I promised on the 8’s, I’ve decided to change my look a bit. You’ll all know I used to be blond… so I decided to have a little colour and cut… and it did me wonders… it’s actually strange how a cut and colour can change how you feel.. First off all, when I decided to make the change on Saturday, I went to the salon I always go to, but they were so full that I had to wait about 2 hours… and that was already 14:00, so I would miss the big rugby game if I wait, so we decided to drive down the road, and jip we found another open salon. As I walked in, to my amazement, I saw the guy (the stylist), and he used to do my hair, and disappeared a while ago, and I had to find another salon. I was so excited to have found him again… anyway; he squeezed me in… because if you know me, you’ll know that I’m not patient if it comes to waiting for something…

Anyway, this used to be the old me….

And this is the transformed new me

A view from the side (well almost from the side)

Another view from the side

A view from the Back

and lastly the whole me!

So what do you think?

8 x 8 ALL ABOUT ME

I GOT TAGGED!
tHE RULES:

1. Mentioned who tagged you: Clare over at (http://thepitter-patter.blogspot.com/)
2. Complete the list of 8’s
3. Tag 8 people

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:

• The 4th of June, hopefully I’ll have a BFP
• The weekend, so I can be home again
• Spending time with my husband now that I’m working so far from home
• I’m getting older (30) but it’s so exciting in December
• Another December, cause I just love the festive times
• Going for a interview, and hopefully I’ll get the job
• Seeing a old friend, which I haven’t seen in a while
• Mmm, Lunch, I’m so hungry right now

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY

• Me and hubby washed the doggies (they look so pretty)
• Bought security cameras for the house
• I did my hair at the salon… (will post a picture, I use to be blond and bob… now wait and see)
• I went for my injection at the hospital bright and early
• Had a stunning breakfast with hubby
• Did washing, and cleaned the house a bit – seeing that we spend our Saturday with friends watching the Rugby
• Had a craving for Biltong, and so I had to get some
• Watched a bit of television before going to bed

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO

• I so whish I could just become pregnant
• Do either professional dancing or something
• Overcome my fear of needles so I can just do my own injections
• Have time off whenever it’s needed
• I wish I could do decoupage (but I’m not very patient with it)
• Go ice-skating (but I can’t at this moment)
• I wish I could do more reading
• Making handmade cards with own handmade papers

8 SHOWS I WATCH

• Sewende laan
• House
• Grays anatomy
• Days of our lives
• Touched by an angel
• Ugly Betty
• Supernatural
• Medium

8 FAVOROUTE FRUITS

• Cherries
• Strawberries
• Bananas
• Watermelon
• Grapefruit
• Melon
• Grapes
• Kiwi

8 PLACES I’D LIKE TO TRAVEL

• Italy
• Swaziland
• Holland
• Switzerland
• Egypt
• Brazil
• Australia
• Bangkok

8 PLACES I’VE LIVED
Mmm, this is a tricky one, all in SA though

• Carolina
• Homelake
• Eikpark
• Krugersdorp
• Roodepoort
• Ermelo
• Greenhills
• Welkom

8 FOLKS I’M TAGGING
I know that not everyone get the time to do this, or have done this before, here’s my list
Baby Manatee

• He restoreth my soul.
• In Due Time
• Infertile Myrtle
• Infertility Rocks!
• Journey of Faith - a path to motherhood
• Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Pampers
• With God, All Things are Possible!

AND I HOPE YOU’LL BE ABLE TO DO THIS!
Tag you’re it!

Messy Business

So as you might know by now, I went on my business trip to Secunda yesterday, and things just didn't work out the way they planned. So I'm back in Johannesburg in the office today doing some prep work, and will be going again tomorrow morning, up and down and up and down... one can't believe how tiring the trips are. Really not the best way to start or end a week, but I just have to see it through. like I said, I will leave again tomorrow morning and then return on Friday, spend the weekend at home with hubby and leave again early Monday morning.... 

The insemination went very well, and I really feel on top of the world, I go for the injections every morning and am very committed like I should be. Hubby even accompany me on my visit at the hospital for the injections in the mornings, which is great, at least I see he is also committed. He also started using the stamino-grow and sperm aid again (I suppose he's sceptic of what might happen with the fact that the sperm mobility and quality is decreasing), but he's at least willing and dedicated.\

We had a stunning weekend, and we were so excited about the Blue bulls winning... and just have to make arrangements again to watch them in action this weekend... but I suppose we have to wait and see what happens

HERE WE GO AGAIN

So here I am at the hospital having breakfast all on my own. Ha that's the first for me. I don't like to do these things on my own. Anyway, I saw Dr L on Wednesday, and after all the meds and injectables my follie is 24mm, jippy, jippy, there is only 1 but the 1 will do! So Dr injected me to start ovulating, and our planning once again started. So this morning Hubby had to be strong and face the little room, and I will be going in at 10 for the insemination, which will count as the day before ovulation, and then again tomorrow for the day after ovulation. Anyway while all these things is taking place in my life. I moved on from the site I was doing work for, was on training for 3 days, and as I finished off the last day got placed out for an asignment in Secunda. So I will be spending my next 2 weeks there and weekends with hubby. Not that I want to but hey that's the line of work I chose, and after the 2 week asignment hopefully I will know to which site I will be contracted out to. I suppose all good things comes to those who wait. Well that is it for today. I'll check in later and give you another update

PATHETIC... THAT'S ALL

Well last night at about 5:30 I received a call from the Drs’ offices, and they confirmed meds I had to start taking today… well this morning. Luckily for me, I was able to make quick arrangements as a lady that works in the chemist also stay where I do, I had to pay the pharmacy and then she could take it out. The only thing was that she worked from 18:00-21:00 which meant she only gets home at about 22:00. So at 22:10 last night, I drove to her house and picked up the meds that I had to start taking. So this morning, I got up before the break of day… and at about 05:45 I was sitting in the emergency services at our hospital for my injection. Well that’s about the only place that gives injections this early, as hubby is such a chicken, and I just can’t. I have Trypanophobia, now you might laugh, but it’s so... so... so true. Now going there for the first time as all the other times I could just take the injection at the fertility clinic, it was rough. I had to complete a form to open a file, which apparently I need to do every morning I come, they asked for my ID, medical card and prescription (which I didn’t took with me), so I explained that I don’t have the prescription with me and I will be able to fax it through, the lady agreed to the arrangement and made me sit and wait while they prepare… and I sat… and I sat. Then the head nurse (or what ever she is) came out, and gave me a whole story of they can’t inject me as…. (And I through my tamper tantrum) I just had enough of the waiting, I’ll be late for work as it is, and hubby to, I just couldn’t believe that they can take so long to inject someone with the meds and swaps the person already have with them… the other hospital didn’t have an issue. Anyway, I grabbed my injection stuff, and hubby just followed, got into the car at about 6:45 and went to the other hospital. Darn, if I just knew they would have these issues, I wouldn’t have gone. Anyway we were late, late for work that is. So I quickly dropped off hubby at his work, and went through to another hospital at the fertility clinic, and they gave me the injection without hassles. Never the less, I rocked up at work an hour late, frustrated and very temperamental. So this I would assume is going to be my every 2nd day routine, unless I can find the guts to just do it myself, and it going to become more difficult now with the fact that I’m moving between companies. I just don’t know how I’ll be able to manage with the appointments…. How do you all do it?

THOUGHTS OR VENTING YOU CHOOSE!

What happened to me after these last couple of years? I have always been such a happy go lucky person but these days I battle to see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm fighting a loosing battle in terms of finding my siblings and everywhere I turn on this no door opens but is closes. Sometimes it makes me wonder what I have done to deserve not meeting the little family I have. Yes I'm happy with what I have in life, but I still have this empty little peace which longs for the unknown people, called brothers and sister. The law prohibit so many things which makes it truly difficult to track them, over and above, I really thought by now, that my younger brother (who I happened to find through the registrar of adoptions, who's parents didn't want us to meet) that his adopted mother could have made it happen by now, but NOTHING... Sometimes I wonder why this all had to happen, and why, why, why was it suppose to happen to me. Why is it that I had to know about them, and they not of me? Will life give me the opportunity to meet them? My youngest brothers’ birthday was on Saturday the 9th of May and I just couldn't stop thinking about him. Then of cause it’s this curse of IF. Darn I just can't believe it all. I'm married 10 years... And nothing. No new addition to the family of 2. AF started on Sunday so I suppose another cycle awaits me. Tried to call the Dr's offices yesterday but something was wrong with their lines so I have to try again today. Then on the work front... Ya I’m finishing off. My last day is now Friday (15 May 2009). I actually can't believe I'm moving on. I’m glad for the new opportunity, but on the other hand I need to settle down, find something stable, and not something where I need to move around like this. I know its great exposure, but it's not as nice to not know where you will be the next day. I love the company I work for, they have truly looked after me, and there is no bad thing I will ever be able to say about them, as they care about their people, but sometimes it's difficult. Anyway, I think, pray and hope that things work out for me the way it should, and with that I need to say till later... Enjoy your day!

IT'S AN OFFICIAL BFN

Okay, so this morning while I did my blood work the lady that took the blood mentioned that on Monday when I did my first blood, just after me a 16 year old girl also did the same blood test. Hers of cause turned out positive and apparently she was devastated, but on the other hand there is me... so desperate, so hopeful and yet I am unable to obtain a BFP. So while I was listening this morning I truly hoped that this will be my day, but yet it isn't! Why, why, why... So I now received the results of my 2nd test which were done today, and it official. It's definitely not a positive. So no more tablets and Crinone gel for now. I'm awaiting AF which needs to show up before Friday next week, if it doesn't I will get some medication to bring it on... So there we have it.

8 Days Late

Ok so AF still hasn’t arrived which means I am already 8 days into my next cycle….

Is this good news or bad news?????????

This morning I went for another blood test as requested by Dr, and am awaiting the results… but while I wait I couldn’t have imagined how slow time goes by. They say time flies when you’re having fun, and when you’re not… darn, I wish I wish it could have been quicker.

I’m so hopeful, I’m so anxious, and I know I’m getting each and every little hope there is up. Am I in for a roller coaster ride of emotions when I get the results, or will I be overwhelmed?

Anyway, for now, I’m exited; and hopeful and hopefully this little bubble of hope and dreams wouldn’t blow up into tiny pieces of heartache

FUN IN THE SUN

They say that a break does one wonders, and I now believe it’s true. We officially took some time of from 24 April – 3 May 2009, to spend Fishing and camping trip with my hubby and his sister and brother with their families. Now the preparation didn’t really go as well as I planned for, seeing that I’m a firm believer in planning everything to the “T” but it all worked out wonderfully. My and SIL went through on Friday 24 April, and off cause as you know me, we got lost, but hey I did set the GPS to the coordinates we received, and by the time we reached our destination we were standing between rows and rows of corn farms. Eventually we had to turn around and head all the way back. So we reached the right destination this time, and with all the stuff we had to take through my poor little car was packed, and SIL had to keep the eggs on her lap to prevent them from crushing… look as this

Anyway we started unpacking and setting up our camp for the 9 days we will be spending there. So on Saturday our other SIL and BIL arrived with the kiddies, and they had to start setting up their camp, which turned out not to bad, but unfortunately because it was our first time at this spot, we got 2 stand opposite one another in stead of next to one another which resulted in a little space for everyone to catch and release their fish… So here is how the camps looked like Camp one (not close to the water)

Camp 2 (on the water)

So after everyone set up everything, the challenge started. Off cause the women had to be in a team against the men, to see who catches the most fish… and YA, we will not elaborate on the winnings but hey, even the children had their own competition going, and between the lot of us we caught and released 120 fish. Not bad hey… Here are some pictures of our catch

Then we also had some danger (A not so welcome visitor)

And lastly some pictures of the resort

And off cause, all good things come to and end…

AND LET'S JUST ADD ANOTHER

Got a call from the Drs offices just now, and I can officially add another BFN on my chart. I need to retest on Friday as she (the nurse) mentioned its possible for a false negative, but the chance is slim. So there we have it, AF needs to arrive, which still hasn't and by Friday if AF isn't here yet they'll give me stuff to make her arrive...

COUNTING HOURS

Hi there and thank you for each and every comment. I went through for my blood test this morning and await the results. Can't wait but I'm also scared. No Af yet and I'm 4 days over, but everyone says its because of the Crinone 8% gel that I'm using. Will keep you posted later today

ALL-ROUND UPDATE

Hi there everyone stopping by and thank you for your visits… I have to be honest and say I love the ICLW weeks. First time I’m part of it and I’m sure it will definitely not be the last… Anyway, as you all know (for those who doesn’t you’ll catch up quick), I went for my scan and mucus testing yesterday 21 April 2009, which the results were no so good, I really hoped that everything would be fine, but once again my body has a mind of it’s own. So my acidity levels were so high, none of our little natural attempt swimmers survived it… darn, what is going on with my body. The other day with the tests the acidity was fine… but Dr truly calmed me down and still recommended that we carry out the insemination today. So I got a little tummy injection, and waited for today… So Mr P (hubby) was very brave this morning! Shame I still giggle when I think about it, but he was disgusted with me anyway! Seeing that all the previous attempts we managed to get our little swimmer to the lab in about 45min, this morning it would have been a disaster trying to attempt this. We just live to far away. So Mr P decided that he’ll rather take up the moment at the clinic. I warned him, and one of our friends warned him it’s not the same as at home, but he was confident it wouldn’t have an impact, but off cause I had to go with. So we got up before the sparrows even thought about it, and off we went to the Dr. Arrived at about 7:30 and we had to have it in by 8:00, off we went to the little room, and all I could do was giggle. I just couldn’t stop myself this morning. I think it’s because every time I talk about the fact that I still feel shy when I lay there legs stretched he thinks it’s not all bad, and now it’s he’s tern and he feels embarrassed. I really had fun this morning. We laughed together and even though you could see he feels uncomfortable he was so sweet about it. We then went for a quick breakfast and he took off for work. I off cause had to stay behind. At about 9:15 I was called to go to the rooms, got undressed and relaxed for about 15 min before doctor arrived. He is such a blessing, I feel so blessed to have found this doctor. He made me feel comfortable in explaining everything, hubby’s mobility, motility, and quality is great. (I’m glad as the previous samples had issues), and doctor then started with the process. I believe everything went well. I hope I pray and I’ll keep faith that it went great. Now I still need to inject myself Saturday and use creams, tablets, Viagra (YIPPY) and on the 4th of May I will officially go for my hopeful BFP test, unless AF jumps the gun. So ladies and gents there you have it… now let’s hope and pray!

SCAN UPDATES!

I thought I’ll be able to blog today and tell you lots and lots of stuff, but unfortunately this is just another little snapshot of days of my life. So Tuesday 14 April 2009, was another day at the doctors offices for another scan to see how ovulation and my follies are progressing. Another huge disappointment as they are so small it just really sucks. Anyway, so there I had to swallow another lot of Estrofem and Clomid for a couple of days and I had to go back yesterday (Sunday 19 April). Hubby went with yesterday morning which was nice for a change, seeing that he can’t always make it. So we had to get up fairly early to travel to the doctors offices which is about 45min drive from our home. Got there and eventually saw doctor at 9am. Another scan was done, and we now managed to determine after all these years that my follies are only growing approximately 1mm in 2days, can you believe it… I just can’t believe my body is letting me down. So there is a little planning coming up, and we have an appointment on Wednesday morning which will determine how many active/life sperm is available in my mucus, depending on the testing and the results, we will be able to do inseminate on Thursday morning. In a way I feel exited and can’t wait for Thursday, but on the other hand I know I have to be optimistic but also sceptic. I suppose we will have to wait and see…. On the work front, my contract is ending at the company I currently work for, which means I will be moving very shortly. Scary, exciting and very stressful…! The wait to see where I’ll be going to is also killing me, I hate the long waits, I don’t like the interviews and I really don’t like the fact that I don’t have control over it, but at least before the interviews and stuff, hubby, me his brother and sister their children and spouses will be going to a campsite about an hours drive away from home. Hopefully this time will give me time to relax, and get focussed on all the tasks ahead. Get myself motivated again, and hopefully I’ll feel much, much, much more rest out than what I currently feel like. So ladies, I will hopefully be able to give you more details on Wednesday and Thursday…. And please, please, please keep me in your prayers and thoughts. Have a blessed week!

Easter!

This month is a very short month with all the public holidays, and no I am definitely not complaining. I can’t wait to pack up my stuff and duck, but the day is still ahead and I need to get through it before I can even go into weekend mode. For those of you who will be travelling over the Easter weekend, drive and return safely and enjoy the Easter weekend, and for those who will only spend the Easter with family and friends at home, have a great time. Have a blessed Easter everyone!

Hide Away

And so Friday arrived in all it glory, and what a beautiful morning it was. I was so eager to go for my blood test seeing that AF still hasn’t arrived, so off I went to get ready. Oops it was a bit early though so I had to sit and wait for the offices to open before I go. Anyway, as I sat there waiting in anticipation for the one thing that could be the best day of my life AF arrived, and with that all the emotions, heartache, self-pity, hatred and so this list could grow and grow, I really were so exited, and I knew not to get my hopes to high but I did, and that really brought me back to earth with a BIG BANG! So I contacted the clinic to confirm that AF arrived as per our agreement, Dr then prescribed more meds (Estrofem) due to the fact that the blood test on day 23 of my cycle indicated that my progesterone levels were not satisfactory, he also gave me Clomid which I need to use for a couple of days. Then on the 14th day, I’ll return for a scan. Darn, I really got my hopes up this time, and I really couldn't stop crying this weekend, I am just unable to pick my head up and face everything at this point in time. So for now, I'll be going in hide away until I can find away to face life again

Giggles

I’ve been reading a couple of blogs this week where ladies very elaborating explain how often they do their little panty inspections, and have to be honest, some of the ladies are quite funny in the ways they explain this. I of cause thought that this is something not everyone will do, and I figured that I would be different, only to prove myself wrong! Well as you all know, we went to the new Clinic on the 20th of March, and we had to plan naturally for the first time while other test had to be conducted, with of cause a little help from a “Boereraad”. Anyway, from there I had to go for a progesterone blood test on Monday 30th of March, and should AF not start between today and tomorrow morning, I will have a second progesterone and a B-hcg quantitative test. Anyway, since yesterday, I found myself running to the loo every time anything seem to feel different doing the one thing I thought I’ll never do and laughing every time I saw someone else mention it on their blog. Now I am guilty as charged, doing the same even though I have a little cramping on the left hand side, but not heavy like I normally would, maybe my hopes is already to high, maybe I’m just opening myself to heartache, I don’t know, but I’m sure as Hell trying desperately to remain positive, hopeful, and a little exited. This can potentially mean that by tomorrow I will land up being miserable, feeling heartbroken and hateful, but I’m just taking it 1 hour at a time for now…

What a Mess!

Today is one of those days where I regret everything. Have you ever had one of those days? P and I had one hell of a fight last night, and really about petty stuff. I can’t believe that I stooped so low to attack him back after he really said some stuff that hit home, but which truly did hit deep. Why is it that sometimes one says or do stuff that you regret later. I know that you are suppose to place a guard in front of your mouth and watch what you say, but hey I was one hell of a b*tch last night. P was in one of his moods yesterday, and I’ll normally deal with his temper and stuff, but for one reason last night was just one of those nights where I just couldn’t keep anything for myself anymore, and I lashed out. I said everything I wanted so say for so long, and over and above it all, I said the meanest thing…. You see, during our time at the previous clinic, P really didn’t go through everything I did but most of the time I had to attend my appointments, testing, operations and just everything by myself. I know that he tried to be there, but every time something was scheduled it just turned out that he wasn’t there. The one time with my HSG I asked my sister in law to accompany me, because I knew how I’ll feel, cause I normally feel invaded and very emotional, then P confirmed that I must cancel with my sister in law as he will be with me, when the day arrived, he suddenly had to go into work and I was all on my own… Yesterday P again had so many excuses about when sessions are to be scheduled, how long in advance and and and, but it really felt as if he wasn’t considering me. It really just felt as if P wanted everything to revolve around him, and as he was just going at me, I totally lost it. Sometimes it feels that I am being punished for things I did in my life, or that I’m not blessed with a child yet because of our fights, and today as I sit here writing this, I feel terribly sad. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I don’t know how to deal with the situations and I feel so emotional… most of all I need someone who understand what I’m going through, and I just feel alone today…

NEW CLINIC!

It has been a while since I last wrote something decent on my blog, but time just ticked away so quickly that one doesn’t seem to find the split second to write something and actually publish it. So as you know, we decided that this year we’ll set a goal to which both of us will work towards, and this goal is to have a little bundle of joy in our home, included in this we wanted to go to a new fertility clinic. Anyway this is the new day….. You know when nerves just gets the better part of you, mmm, well Friday morning was my turn… now the day when patience were dished out, I was definitely last in the queue, cause I didn’t get a lot… got up, got dressed and off we went to the new clinic, arrived, filled in all the forms and waited in the waiting room to see the new doctor…. Never did I know I’ll be sitting on the exact same chair, the exact same spot for 2 and a half hours, oh my greatness I could feel how my bum goes num, how my feet starts to tingle and how my whole body went into the slump of tiredness…. As we sat there waiting to see the new doctor, both me and hubby got a bit frustrated about the time we had to sit and wait to see him, even though our appointment want 11:30 we only got to see the doctor at about 14:15, which is a long time for people who normally can’t sit still for 10 minutes. Anyway, eventually we got to see the doctor, had a very nice, but long conversation explaining our past, and what we would like to achieve, and explained our expectations, the doctor in tern explained their process what potentially lie ahead for us and of cause concerns… he then did a mucus test and a sonar, which clearly indicated that I’m 2 – 3 days away from ovulation… (Oh my gosh… oh my gosh I ovulate! YIPPY) so yes you got it… planning time…. Dr explained an old “Boere raad” to me which I had to do from Saturday – Monday… and then on the 30th I would have to go for a blood test…. Then again on 3 April for another hormone and pregnancy test, if CD1 doesn’t arrive before then…. I have to be honest, I really like this doctor, I really felt comfortable with him, and he took the time to explain everything nicely. We never felt rush or anything, so I’m truly glad we had this opportunity to see him… So ladies please keep all your fingers and toes and legs and arms and everything knotted up for me… we would truly be blessed if it could happen this way… no the only thing we need to do is wait and see if that nasty little miss with her nasty little car is coming to visit…

Show Time!

Hey there, long time no write… So here another month is at its end, and more exiting stuff awaits us. The Randfontein show started on Wednesday and the programme is very exiting. Well most of the time we only go on Saturday which normally is very entertaining, live shows and more. I have to be honest I love the show, and I think the added benefit is the fact that I am able to see old school buddies, some of them I only get to see once a year and that is at the show. Last year was great fun, so lets’ just see what is in store for us!

Birthday Planning

What a week I had last week…. Well the week started off being a very quiet week, and then a sudden turn on it on Tuesday when I received a call from my sister in law, asking that we need to plan her sons’ 6th birthday party for Saturday. Let me tell you, you have never seen a party unfold as quickly as this one. In 2 days we arranged everything and were able to send out the invitations and obtain the RSVP’s… Well the little one chose to have the new Ben 10 character as the main theme for his party, now let me tell you, never try to obtain anything for a new Character in SA within 3 days. Everywhere you shop you need to at least have 28 or 7 shipping days, now only having about 4 this is really not the way to go. On Thursday we were travelling all over the show, phoning, asking, and searching for Ben 10… I think in between all these searches I actually had nightmares of Ben 10 and his 10 little alien friends. Anyway, eventually after a whole day of search we managed to obtain some stuff with Ben 10, and were able to make a few party packs for his pre-school mates… seeing that his birthday was actually on Friday. We thought that it’ll actually be nice to send something over to the school. We managed to make him a few party packs, had cup cakes made with the Ben 10 character which came out lovely, and off we went on Friday morning to deliver this at school. Now all the planning had to go into Saturday, as he had a couple of mates over, well mostly cousins, and 2 other friends. We also made them a couple of party pack, had a bigger cake made with Ben 10 and his alien friends, had a slip and slide etc… Upon arriving at the venue on Saturday morning, we had to decorate the spot, and made sure we have the slip and slide at the most exiting spot. As we were still blowing up the balloons some of the guest already started to arrive, but hey we were fast. After we were done, we started to entertain the children, and I suppose there were no child who didn’t enjoy the event. After most of the children put on dry clothing and become all worn out, the adults hit the slip and slide, and what fun we had... of cause none of us thought about the consequences the next day…

Work, stress and… new beginnings

I just can’t believe how quickly time goes by, just the other day I was typing a happy 2009 message and here we are already into almost the 3rd week into a new year. P and I decided that we would need to get back on track with a Fertility Clinic, as the last bit of 2008; I focussed on sorting out my body with acupuncture. I have to say that the acupuncture really helped me to distress, and somewhat sorted out my cycles. I think that the acupuncture just didn’t give me the results that I so desperately needed in 2008, and for some reason I feel overly eager this year. Maybe it’s because I really didn’t have any disappointments yet, or maybe it’s because I really feel the need to expand my family, or maybe it’s just the little clock inside me that ticks away, but for what ever reason it is, the main reason is I WANT TO! P and I had a deep conversation the other night regarding the fact that we always try to please everyone else except for the one who is closes to us… we always try to make everyone else’s’ life easier, but forget that we also have a life, which we need to focus on, we also have the urge to grow our family and above it all we also need to focus on one another. The pas year we always tried to support everyone else financially and emotionally to such extend that I almost lost myself in the process. Luckily for the both of us, we have grown so much stronger over the years, and honesty in our relationship is Key. So when we had the chat P mentioned that he really feels left out, he feels as if he is being punished for something that he has done (and here I always felt that I was the only one feeling this way). He also desperately wants a little bundle of joy, and for some reason we just always had to take the backseat, but not this year. P decided that we want to go see our GP, and he needs to go through an annual check (he feels he needs this), after this we decided that we would ask the GP to refer us to another fertility specialist. Don’t you get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the clinic we gone to last year. We just decided that we want to make a new start. A start where for once we will be able to focus on ourselves and what we want and need in our life, and yes I know life would be tough with this decision, we made it and we’ll stick to it. So wish me luck! And I will certainly keep you posted…

Exciting News!

So the New Year has started and I can’t be more exited about this year. I got a funny mail form the genebase webpage, that someone has actually sent me a mail after I registered when last… couldn’t believe it, and so I signed onto the webpage because you’ll know that I’m a very curious person. So there was a message from a lady called Giorgette. Now who in life would this be as I know of no one called even close to this... Anyway the lady mentioned that she might know me and left a mail address at the bottom of this message. I took the mail address of the webpage yesterday and decided to mail Giorgette to see how or if we could possibly be related. I mailed her asking how she believes we are related, and had to sit and wait for the answer. As quick as which I sent the mail I contacted my uncle to find out whether he knows of this lady, he responded that he did have a cousin called Giorgette, but he doesn’t know where they are. Anyway now I just had to wait it out. Eventually yesterday at about 4:00 I received a mail back, a mail with copies of photos I didn’t even know anyone had out there. When I opened these photos I sat in my office while the tears ran down my face, it just reminded me of my childhood, and the people I so deeply loved. Well Giorgette is family; her farther is the brother of my grandmother. Her mom aunts Alet always use to visit my grandmother and I vaguely remember her I just wonder why no one ever mentioned them again…mmmm… Anyway, I sent a reply on the mail as she mentioned that I need to confirm some of the information which will indicate that I am family, and then she will be in the position to provide me with more information… no I have to be honest, I can’t wait to find out what more there is that she will be able to tell me… maybe….maybe she might know something about my brothers and sisters, maybe her mother told her… maybe my mother told her as apparently she and my mom were close… maybe…maybe…maybe!

2009!

It’s a New Year and WOW how great the New Year started for me. I was privileged enough to spend a wonderful Christmas and New Year with family and friends, and I realised how dear my family is to me. One sometimes gets to tied down to your own things that you somehow loose track of the things that others experienced. Starting 2009, I want to thank each and every person who contributed on my blog, and I want to thank one person in particular: Tam thank you very much for your encouragement in 2008, you inspired me to start with a blog which has really helped me come to terms with everything in my life, furthermore, you showed me that there are people out there who also go through the same as what I am, and that it’s okay to talk about it, and that you don’t have to go through this journey alone. May 2009, be a blessed year for each and every one of you; hope that your year will be blessed, and that you will remain as strong as you always have been. I also hope that we will be able to support one another on this journey, and share all the great times that lies ahead. Have a Gr8 2009…